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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband not in love with me

44 replies

Weegee92 · 20/04/2017 21:00

Hi
I really need some advice.
I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 8 months and expecting our first child together in July. We have always had a generally good relationship and enjoyed travelling, eating out and having drinks with friends. When i found out i was pregnant it was a massive shock as i was told i couldn't have children due to PCOS. It took a while for us both to get used to the idea but my husband appeared happy.

I am now 27 weeks pregnant and 2 weeks ago my husband told me he loved me but is no longer in love with me and has felt like this for a number of months. We had been arguing a bit more since i became pregnant as we haven't been able to do the things to enjoy and it has been difficult but i never ever thought he had fallen out of love with me, especially so soon after getting married.

However my husband wants us to stay together and try to make our marriage work. He has suggested maybe once our baby arrives things will improve. I love him more than words but his revelation has broken my heart. I want to try and make things work but can you ever really love someone again if you have fallen out of love? I cry most days and im struggling to hold my job down because i am just so devestated.

Has anyone else been through a similar experience? Should i leave him or should i try for the sake of our child?

OP posts:

foxyloxy78 · 20/04/2017 21:08

God leave him.

foxyloxy78 · 20/04/2017 21:09

You deserve so much better and so does your child.

Orangebird69 · 20/04/2017 21:09

I couldn't stay with him OP, knowing that he felt like that. I'm sorry

LiveLifeWithPassion · 20/04/2017 21:14

He loves you but isn't in love with you? What does he actually mean?

I'm just wondering if it's the shock and feelings around the baby or that he's actually not in love with you anymore.

Timeforabiscuit · 20/04/2017 21:18

Well, theres a couple of things - firstly, a pregnancy is a massive lifestyle change which takes adjustment - the whole "not in love" spiel could be him being put out that he is no longer a top priority, which isnt a good sign - but this could be fear and adjustment rather than pure fuckwittedness on his part.

Secondly, it will NOT get easier when the baby arrives, babies are like putting a bomb under a relationship - and I reckon you know he is talking bollocks on that point.

If he wants out because a baby was never in his life plan and he is a selfish manchild to boot that puts you in a horrible situation, do you feel the relationship is a solid one at heart?

MrsDustyBusty · 20/04/2017 21:19

So what does he reckon happens to you once he falls in love with someone?

JK1773 · 20/04/2017 21:22

What an awful thing to say. No matter what happens moving forward you will never ever forget what he has said. I couldn't live with it. It would eat away at me inside forever. Be honest with yourself now before you are years down the line? Can you continue knowing this is how he feels? Big hugs

yetmorecrap · 20/04/2017 21:25

I do wonder if he was more in love with the lifestyle pre pregnancy than 'you' so sorry to sound harsh, maybe he hasn't quite grasped that mature love is not often like the first 6 months!!

isitjustme2017 · 20/04/2017 21:35

If he is prepared to make the marriage work, why the hell did he have to tell you that? What does he expect you to do with that revelation? If he genuinely isn't in love with you, things will NOT get better when the baby arrives.

I'm so sorry he has been selfish enough to tell you this. Your hormones will be all over the place as it is and you should be looking forward to your lovely new arrival.
You've only been married 8 months so I find it strange his feelings have changed so quickly. It does sound like this unplanned pregnancy has messed with his head. You do not deserve this though.

Original poster

Weegee92 · 20/04/2017 21:41

In the beginning he was besotted with me and i know this for sure. I have not been the easiest to live with but part of me feels he is only staying for the baby and not for us. I am only 24. I dont know what do to. I have no money and no where to go. I can barely look at him knowing how he feels and knowing that i am still entirely in love with him.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2017 21:43

He loves you but isn't in love with you? What does he actually mean?
It means he's had his head turned or is having an affair.
It's the cheaters script! Totally!
You've been arguing more because he's been engineering that.
Think about it. I bet most of it is his doing.
Has he been on his phone more?
A bit more secretive with it?
Takes it to the bathroom?
Honestly.... it's obvious from where I am!

Livelovebehappy · 20/04/2017 21:54

I would agree with Hellsbells, apart from the fact that he wants to stay and give the marriage a chance. Cheaters generally put it out there about falling out of love etc, and then walk. Awful to go through this OP when you are pregnant, which should be a happy time for you both. I would say try to make a go of it; maybe he is overwhelmed with the pregnancy thing and is having difficulty dealing with it. Not that that justifies his twattish behaviour, but whilst there's hope, I would give it a try.

greylove · 20/04/2017 22:07

I am sorry your going through this especially pregnant it's bad enough being hormonal

maybe it's the reality of having a child
If you love him give it time he maybe panicked feeling all sorts of emotions
I am not excusing his hurtful behaviour it really horrific for you but if you want him then try it for your self

He wants to say for the child and try
( it sounds like maybe he isn't 100% out for love otherwise he would just go )

A lot of men freak out

Mamia15 · 20/04/2017 22:07

OW?

He does not want to look like the bad guy esp with you being pregnant so he is saying stuff about trying to make it work - and yet he has delivered what must have been an extremely devastating blow, that he's not in love with you and is being grumpy/moody.

Classic cheaters script I'm afraid.

Wormulonian · 20/04/2017 22:40

I've known quite a few men say this with an unexpected pregnancy - they freak out. They can be depressed or totally knocked by the situation especially if they have problematic relationships with their father or an absent father. Has he had any MH issues in the past?

Even so - it is a very sh*y thing to say - it can never be unsaid, it sows a seed of doubt. It is also so unfair when you want to stay happy and strong for the sake of your baby. I'm so sorry you have been caused this sadness with your first pregnancy.

Original poster

Weegee92 · 20/04/2017 22:46

His mum and dad split when he was young so his dad wasnt really part of his life until he was in his teenage years. No MH issues but he isnt a very emotional person and i feel his dad leaving affected him more than he lets on.

OP posts:

lelapaletute · 20/04/2017 23:02

Oh you poor love. My interpretation is that he for whatever reason wants to end the relationship (might be he's freaked by baby, might be someone else, might bf old fashioned he's young and wants to sow the oats) but he's trapped by the fact you are pregnant and leaving a woman who is pregnant with your child is a universalky recognised dick move. He doesn't want to look like a dick; he doesn't want to feel like a dick.

Soooo, he has told you this devastating thing, then nobly offered to try and 'make it work' regardless. You will naturally be devastated,brokenhearted, hurt, emotional. You will not be able to 'make it work' on these new, degrading, destabilising terms. When the relationship breaks down, he will be able to tell everyone including probably himself that he tried really hard to avoid that outcome, selflessly setting aside his own feelings for the baby, and it is your fault.

Tldr he's s wanker and a coward. Get rid before your baby comes and do him up the shutter for child maintenance. You can do this lovely xx

numberseven · 21/04/2017 06:22

This.

And "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is such common cheater talk that it has its own abbreviation. Google ilybinilwy.

Itshello · 21/04/2017 06:32

If he was genuinely confused about his feelings, I don't see why he even had to tell you. You are recently married and expecting a new baby and adjusting to it all. I think his comment was cruel.

I'm afraid I would be on high alert re having his head turned as well. I wouldn't automatically say ow normally but I don't understand his motives for telling you otherwise.

suffolkinggrand · 21/04/2017 06:36

"We had been arguing a bit more since i became pregnant as we haven't been able to do the things to enjoy and it has been difficult but i never ever thought he had fallen out of love with me, especially so soon after getting married."

I would echo what everyone else has said and add this too in light of your comment here about not being able to do the things you used to enjoy. Presumably this means you're knackered and also not drinking, going out or having sex as much as "you used to" now you're pregnant, which btw is quite normal and usual and perfectly acceptable and understandable.

If your DH can't see that all these physical and emotional and practical changes are happening to you and he can't be mature enough to accept that this is because you're nurturing his child, then he's going to be hopeless once the baby actually arrives.

He sounds quite immature, controlling and unpleasant if he's blaming your pregnancy for you not being fun anymore and therefore he's no longer in love with you (classic gaslighting and cheater script, btw).

LTB (never said that before!) as he won't improve with time or a baby on the scene.

Underthemoonlight · 21/04/2017 06:43

My ex said the same line when DS was 1. He has ow on the side.

Itshello · 21/04/2017 06:48

Did you ever talk about having children? Did he want them? If you thought you couldn't conceive maybe he had never considered it and he doesn't like the changes to his lifestyle. It doesn't sound like he will adjust to the baby very well in that case.

TheNaze73 · 21/04/2017 07:46

He's made his bed & needs to lie in it.

He's panicked, as the lifestyle he had, he's realised is over with children on the way. Sounds like to me, that he doesn't want children & has gone about this completely arse about face.

AnniesShop · 21/04/2017 07:57

I'm going to go against the grain here. I've been in your
position - from my perspective you're fortunate that
your DH explained to you how he feels and wants to
change it.
My ex didn't tell me (why risk losing a cosy home
and a skivvy?) I was left to figure it out myself and it took
me years to realise it was the end and not a bad patch.
I wish my ex had been decent enough to give me the
choice you have, OP. Good luck

Joinourclub · 21/04/2017 07:58

What is the difference between 'in love' and 'love' ? What does he actually mean? it's a horrible thing to say, but he might not mean the same thing as you would mean if you said it iyswim.

I think you two need some couples counselling. Feelings do change in relationships over time as the relationship matures and you mature. Msybe he is struggling with the changes in his feelings since marriage and pregnancy.

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