Husband not in love with me

[Weegee92]

Hi
I really need some advice.
I have been with my husband for 6 years, married for 8 months and expecting our first child together in July. We have always had a generally good relationship and enjoyed travelling, eating out and having drinks with friends. When i found out i was pregnant it was a massive shock as i was told i couldn't have children due to PCOS. It took a while for us both to get used to the idea but my husband appeared happy.

I am now 27 weeks pregnant and 2 weeks ago my husband told me he loved me but is no longer in love with me and has felt like this for a number of months. We had been arguing a bit more since i became pregnant as we haven't been able to do the things to enjoy and it has been difficult but i never ever thought he had fallen out of love with me, especially so soon after getting married.

However my husband wants us to stay together and try to make our marriage work. He has suggested maybe once our baby arrives things will improve. I love him more than words but his revelation has broken my heart. I want to try and make things work but can you ever really love someone again if you have fallen out of love? I cry most days and im struggling to hold my job down because i am just so devestated.

Has anyone else been through a similar experience? Should i leave him or should i try for the sake of our child?

I has this too, turns out he was totally jealous of our baby ( a lot more common than you would think ) and he couldn't cope with the fact that he wouldn't be number one anymore.

We soldiered on until ds was 2 and I couldn't take it anymore, I left a pretty good lifestyle behind and moved into social housing with ds and started from scratch.

Ds is now 14 and it's happening again with ex, he married and had another son and the marriage is falling apart, his son is almost 2.

Some people just aren't cut out for parenthood I'm afraid, I know this isn't your major issue here but I think the two are linked, you get pregnant and he suddenly falls out of love, I sincerely hope I'm wrong in your case op.

I think it's quite easy to fall in love, hell it happens when we sometimes don't want it to! But I know from experience that it's hard to convince yourself to be in love when you're not.

Has dh said what has made him feel like this? Another possibility is that he's scared of fatherhood and having to provide for a family and once the baby comes along he will be fine, best of luck

You poor thing. I'm 24 weeks pregnant with my first...you must be in a right spin!

I wonder if having a child is not what he expected from your marriage and so this has sent him into a panic. It might be that this is his way of trying to upset things and lay the groundwork for wriggling out of things (i.e responsibility!) I don't immediately assume there's someone else but I suppose there could be.

Maybe it's worth seeing if he means what he says about wanting to work on things and arranging some relationship counselling. A baby is the last thing that's going to fix things if he's already feeling conflicted and if he's already hankering for your old lifestyle

Weegee - since his father was largely absent he may have really deep issues about that. My DP did - he didn't articulate it very well. His father had left after an affair when he was little and his mother blamed everything and anything on it . He felt huge panic at the thought of fatherhood - but never intimated that to me. Also, you got together young and have grown up together - he may feel "this is it" - no more clubbing, fun, girls etc and suddenly not felt ready.

I'm going against the grain here and say he may really mean it when he wants you to work it out. My DP stepped up after a couple of months of hell for me - like you I had no money(I had lent him my little store for the house) and no family support. I was totally distraught. However, he turned out to be a great father and was totally besotted by the baby and all our babies - we've been together 30 years.

There is not always another woman. people can panic and say stupid things because they just want to stick their head in the sand and for the situation to go away. You have been together 6 years what does your instinct tell you?

I also wonder if this is more about the baby and how your relationship has/will change.
Not quite the same as my boyfriend never said his feelings to me had changed, but he really struggled with our unplanned dd, to the point our relationship was almost over.

In his case his absent dickhead dad was the reason behind it.

He started counselling although he was adamant he didn't need it at first and it's made a huge difference. I can't help but feel some resentment still for how he was, but we're working on it.

What as your partner suggested for trying to make it work?

I know for a fact he wants this baby and wants us to bring her up together and he wants to be a dad who is there all the time and not a weekend dad. I have asked him so many times if there is someone else and he says there is not. And to be honest i don't think he'd have the time. He works away for a week on a ship which he cannot leave during that time and when hes home were basically always together. I cant keep accusing him either become if hes telling the truth it will only divide us even more.

Do you want him to stay? If s,o then you need to discuss how to make it happen - how do you want him to behave, are there changes he needs to make to help you start to emotionally trust him again?

I think it sounds hopeful.

I too think he's had a quick affair with someone on his ship. He does have the time if he's away for part of the week.

I agree this is likely about the baby. He may not like the change in lifestyle or the focus not being on him anymore (it's a fact many men cheat when their wives are pregnant for this reason).

I think it's worth going to counselling with him - if he wants to work on the marriage he should agree to this.

Don't make any rash decisions about leaving him until your baby is at least a year old as that's when things should start to settle down again and you'll be able to see your relationship clearly again without the stress of pregnancy/newborn.

Sorry you're having to go through this, especially while pregnant.

Don't rush into anything. You'll hear a lot of shrieks of LTB!!! and baying for blood, but your situation is not necessarily hopeless and there is a baby to think of.

Personally I hate the expression "in love" because it means such different things to different people. To some it means devoted, committed and faithful. To others it means overwhelmed with passion and lust. It's incredibly important to communicate with your DH and try to understand exactly what he means by "not in love".

If he just means that for him, the lustful "honeymoon" phase is over then it doesn't have to be a disaster. So it happened to him sooner than to you. It happens to everyone sooner or later. It's what's left afterwards that counts...especially once you start a family.

Talk to each other. Talk until you're hoarse. Then talk some more. (And don't forget to listen )

I think he is just freaking out about the unexpected pregnancy. You both thought that a child free future was what you were going to have and now it is not. That is a huge thing to get your head around.

Unfortunately he appears to be heading for the immature, wanker reaction rather than the supportive, going through it together option.

What came up when you talked together about the completely different future you are now likely to have as a couple? Before he talked about not being in love with you anymore?

I think it sounds a very cruel thing to say to the woman carrying your child to be honest. And I don't know that I could forgive that. Can you go somewhere to have a little breathing space?

Deep down i dont believe hes a cheat. His dad cheated on his mum and it broke up his family when he was 3 years old and i don't believe he'd put his own child through it. I am controlling at times and have been worse since being pregnant as i resent the fact we both made this baby but i cant do things that he can such as going out drinking. He isnt a boy, there is 10 years between us. He says it feels weird to thibk about sex when his daughter is inside me which i can understand and he said he only said his feelings have changed as i told him i was unhappy and he thought it was best to be honest about his feelings.

Goodness me he sounds really immature, Its weird to have sex with a baby inside you? He obviously doesn't fancy you when youre pregnant. My h was like this and preferred to look at porn with it being my fault because I was pregnant.
He also had an affair.
Doesn't sound like a good bet to me.
Think he's had his head turned by something else and is saying all this dad stuff to keep you happy.
Be vigilant and keep your eyes open for the possibility of cheating. Id be checking phone calls and atm transactions if I were you.

Or just leave him with your self respect intact.

By the way my DH went off sex when I was pregnant too. He couldn't quite get past the fact that there was a little person in there and he found it, well, a bit distracting. I think it's pretty common and nothing to do with being immature or any change in his feelings for you. The partners of two of my NCT friends went completely off the boil during their pregnancies too. But they all got back into the swing of things once life settled down after the babies were born. So don't let that bother you.

I think this is all down to the massive upheaval that you're both going through, along with a hefty dose of hormones and all the normal, natural stress and apprehension of preparing to become parents. If your gut feeling is that he hasn't been cheating, then you may well be able to ride it out. Get as much support as you can from friends and family, NCT, midwife...and get relationship counselling if you can, and if your DH is willing. Accept all offers of help without hesitation. This is not the time to be all polite and independent.

And please, please...keep talking.

Attacking my husband and telling me hes a cheat when i have no proof isnt really advice but opinion so that doesn't make me feel any better. Hes still the father of my baby.

Not opinion.
Experience.
Hindsight!
Hundreds of us on here know the script only too well.
So many have been here a long time and it ALWAYS pans out exactly the same.
We are just sharing with you our knowledge and trying to prepare you for what you will probably find out soon enough.
It's tough.
It's hard to hear.
It's hard to believe.
We all know.
We really do.

Listen to the advice and be aware that's all. Wish I'd had some of this advice when my h said the same thing.
You don't have to act on it but you don't want to be blindsided.
Also I wouldn't be accusing him either as he wouldn't tell you the truth.
Act in your own best interests and listen to what he's saying which tbh is the script.

OP - my DH role me the same thing - IILWYBNILWY after we had been married for a short time. That was 20 years ago now. We'd had a difficult time and various traumatic issues to deal with. There was no other women but it was caused by my DH freaking out about being married and becoming a step dad. I gave my DH space to work it through and when he was ready we talked. I was deeply deeply hurt and the breach of trust took me a long time to get over and after the hurt I was angry with him because I felt that he had deceived me and hadn't been honest with me (he said he wished we hadn't got married - but was too scared to tell me). We worked it through but it wasn't without battle damage and the scars are still there. I hope you find your way through this but to find the truth you may have to wait until he is able to work it out - just consider if you want to give him the time to do that

OP, please try not to take it personally - but the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is SO cliched. It's a script that posters here have seen time and time before. I bet my shiny pound that he's bonked someone else whilst working away, but wants to stay married to you so that he's got the cushy home set-up and access to his child whenever he wants it. Pretty sweet deal for him, no?

Sack him off. Find your self-respect - you are worth more than this. Are you honestly thinking that it would be a good idea to stay with someone who doesn't love you - carry on cooking, cleaning and raising his child whilst he swans in and out of your life? Presumably staying married means that you can't go and meet someone else - so what, you stay celibate for the rest of your life? You live without any affection, hugging, kissing or sexual contact?

You are about to have a daughter - if she was asking you for advice in this situation, what would you tell her? Would you recommend that she stay put and turn herself into a doormat in the hope that he magically changed his mind? Or would you advise her to remember her dignity and self-worth and leave the relationship?