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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The snip dilemma

29 replies

1DAD2KIDS · 20/04/2017 18:48

So basic background. I am a Single dad 33 with a 2 and a 5 year old. I am happy with my kids. I am so proud of them but two is enough and it would be good to still be youngish when they grow up. I am in the prime of my life (at least that’s how I feel) meeting new people so family planning is an issues to me going onwards towards relationshipville (hopefully). So I have been planning to get down the family planning clinic to organise the snip.
The only trouble is some silly thought keep popping into my head lately. First is what I can only describe as feeling a bit broody when I see new born babies. I melt at the sight of them. The second is that one day think it would be nice to be in a long term relationship again. What is that person does not have kids and wants them?
I know these things are silly and I should crack on with it. I have given it a lot of thought and there are many reasons to get it done.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 18:51

I wouldn't

Who knows what is round the corner for you ? I don't actually understand why you want the snip. If you don't want more kids (but are not 200 % convinced which it sounds like you are not) then keep something on the end of it. Job done, options still open.

JK1773 · 20/04/2017 18:57

If you have doubts then don't. Why not wait a few years and see how life pans out

SnugglySnerd · 20/04/2017 19:00

I'd wait. DH wants the snip and I am trying to talk him out of it in case I get broody in case I die or something and he meets someone new.

Jayfee · 20/04/2017 19:03

Absolutely wait.

itsacatastrophe · 20/04/2017 19:07

If you are not in a relationship and having unprotected sex with a woman and therefore need to consider contraception, which is effectively what the snip is, then why get it done? I don't see the purpose whilst single. When you are in a committed enough relationship that you no longer require condoms then consider it then with the wishes of your partner but until then don't worry

GirlOverboard · 20/04/2017 19:11

Don't do it. It's no big inconvenience to use condoms for the next few years, and then reassess your options. It is a big inconvenience if you get it done and then decide in a couple of years that you want more kids.

Bob19701 · 20/04/2017 19:13

Put it on the back burner for now, you are still young and as you say may meet someone in the future who wants children with you . I had it done last year at 46 because I have 2 children and I'm 100 % not having anymore ..

TheNaze73 · 20/04/2017 19:44

I had it in my early 30's. Best decision I ever made.

AnyFucker · 20/04/2017 19:49

My H had it when he was 38. But he was in a very different situation to you.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2017 20:13

I had my tubes tied 16 years ago one year after the birth of my 2nd child and it's one of the best things I've ever done. However, where as I was positive I was making the right decision, you are definitely wavering. I think you should wait. In the meantime, just be sure to use protection so there are no little "accidents."

AuntieStella · 20/04/2017 20:17

You can have all sorts of practical reasons, as you say, but as you are neither fully committed to the idea nor emotionally ready, don't do it

Ellisandra · 20/04/2017 20:26

My fiancé has had it done and it's great for us.
I don't see your dilemma though - you need to be using condoms right now because you're dating.
So you have plenty of time to see if your feelings about it (or about newborns...) win out.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 20/04/2017 22:16

I am not the sort to rush into things. Thus has taken a lot of thinking. My main reasons are:

It doesn't seem fair to my kids to have a child with someone else. I love them more than anything and I want to give them my vary best. I do not want to have to split and of my love, attention and resources away from them.

I want to enjoy a life of adventure and freedom once the kids grow up and I am still young to enjoy it. Another child in the future would set this right back in terms of years and finances.

What if things didn't work out with the Mother of said child? I would add serious complications to splitting up.

I am settled in a house I love and I don't want to move. You could say its my forever home. It is a 3 bed and perfect for us. Another child would cramp things.

The kids take up so much of my engery (and worth every bit) but do I really want to do it again? I think not.

I have over the last year and a bit been finding my self and who I really am. This has involved a fair few different sexual partners on different terms. I do in the words of Jezza put ‘something on the end of it’ but there is still a risk. And just the idea of that risk puts a bit of a dampener on things in the back of my mind.

Hopefully I will be one day with a long term partner and we can do without a condom. It is so much better and feels far more intimate without. But female birth control is not fool proof and if we are (hopefully) very active then statically there is further increased risk of pregnancy. Also a lot of women (like my ex) experience bad side effects from birth control. So this is a good alternative to condoms and if she is on birth control too then double safe.

Its my body and I want to keep control over birth control too. In a relationship without condoms the woman holds all the power. Now I know we must trust our partners but experience has taught me that trust can be broken even with people you trusted 100%. I am sure most of us have experienced this at one stage on this site? And of course in the relation to pregnancy and trust being broken it always comes back to the man that contraception is his responsibility too, fair argument. So yes I want to have power over my reproductive rights.

So if I don’t want kids and my logic above checks out then I would be a wise move. I hate the fear of getting someone up the duff.
I suppose its perfectly normal to feel a bit broody when you see new born’s. They remind you so much of the joy of your own kids when they were tiny babies. It doesn’t have to mean that subconsciously you want more?

As to thinking about the wishes of a new partner who doesn’t exist yet that stupid think of mine. When will I learn to put my own wishes first? I have a right to decide too if I want kids. Anyone who wanted to be with would just have to be have that don’t want or can have kids. That’s fair isn’t it?

Does anyone think i am missing any think. I want to see all angles because there is no going back.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2017 22:51

I agree with everything you've said. When I got my tubes tied, I believed that I would never want more kids, even if my husband died. As it turned out, we divorced. I've been remarried for many years, and the first thing we talked about when we went on our FIRST date was that I was not going to have more children. He didn't want any of his own, but he has been the best step-dad I could have ever hoped for. I've never regretted my decision. You do what's right for you. If you feel comfortable with the decision, that's all that matters. You just need to be upfront from the start with future partners.

WildBelle · 20/04/2017 23:20

The only problem I foresee is that in the short term you may be limiting your options a bit - a lot of women your age or a bit younger are going to be at the age where they do want kids. However, in a few years that won't be such an issue.

I had my kids quite young and many times over the years I have thought about being sterilised. But like you, I kind of had the 'what if' idea in my head, I might meet someone in the future who was perfect and I might want more kids. It didn't happen, and now I'm seeing someone who has had the snip which is a massive plus in my book. He has 2 kids, so do I, neither of us want anymore. I think it's an innate thing to feel the urge to breed but logically just no, I'm getting my independence back, and in 10 years my kids will be grown up. Bugger going back to square one.

Thing is, once it's done, you'll just have to be upfront with people from the off that more kids are off the cards for you, and they can accept that or move on. I'm sure there will be plenty of women who will see not having to worry about contraception as a massive positive.

5moreminutes · 20/04/2017 23:27

You might have a fight on your hands to get a vasectomy at 33 and with "only" two children. A friend of mine certainly had that problem - both she and her husband (first him, then her) tried to get referred for sterilization on the NHS in their mid 30s and were told the answer was no because they might change their minds. They also had two children together and he had an older child from a previous relationship. They were very certain they wouldn't change their minds but never the less the answer was no.

Not a comment on whether it is a good idea (I'd say on balance it is a good idea for you) just that it might be immaterial unless you're going to go private.

itsacatastrophe · 21/04/2017 20:08

Well I agree with all your reasonings tbh. Dh has had the snip but if we were to split i would also choose to be sterilised as I do not want any more kids, all for the same reasons you have listed. I am also 32. I still don't think you need to rush it, but if you are adamant then go for it. Just be aware that it is possible for your tubes to reconnect years down the line and fertility to return. Just google "pregnancy after vasectomy". Just remember that only celibacy is guaranteed to prevent pregnancy

user1490465531 · 21/04/2017 20:35

I wouldn't worry about it until you get in a serious relationship and you don't know when that will be.
if your having casual sexual partners then you should be wearing a condom anyway as you can still catch STDS.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 24/04/2017 19:01

Thanks I am well versed with the birds and the bees regarding STD's. But like everything I do I work things out based pros v cons and this approach has favoured me well. Whether its been causal sex or with a serious partner or anything in between I have always used a comdom unless I know and trust for certain their sexual history and level of contraceptive protection. I have done some real thinking on this and it the right thing for me. You may ask but why now? Well yes for the points I stated but reason for getting this done now is to have an improved peace of mind and confidence when having sex that I cant put a bun in the oven. Yes I am currently very careful but that extra level will just make me that must more happier in my mind. There was a time I used to secretly take the used condoms home with me or flush them down the toilet when I was around someone new. I guess my previous experience did leave me a bit mistrusting of women. So yes it is a point of anxiety for me.

In fact on the paperwork it says ' sex may even be more enjoyable, as the worry or inconvenience of other forms of contraception is removed'.

I know the future I want. Maybe it may involve someone else's kids but no more of my own. I couldn't ask for better kids but I am retiring from the baby making game. Anyone I meet in the future will have to accept me as I am and respect that its my choice too over kids and my body. I just want freedom from the prospect (as much as possible anyway, I know no contraception is 100%) of more kids and to be able peruse other things as time goes on.

I spoke to my doctor today (over sometime else) but I did ask her about it. She gave me some paper work and said to come back and she her. She seemed very supportive and positive about it so I don't think she will have a problem saying yes.

OP posts:

Somerville · 24/04/2017 19:09

If you're so certain then I'm not quite sure why you started a thread about it...? The fact that you did would make me wonder if you should wait a bit longer.
But if you're sure, you're sure, I guess.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 24/04/2017 19:11

Plus referring back to point 8. I am scared to death of having a child with someone and it not work out. Blood kids are very powerful weapon that are sadly often used as a weapon in split ups. Plus partially messy if your other kids have become used to living as a family. I know now in life often things don't work out and I don't want to be subject to such unsavoury warfare should things not work out. See it all the time on here. So I know now that you sadly always need to plan how you can bail out if things go wrong. I don't want to be subject to a woman's control again.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 24/04/2017 19:13

Tbh I think your reasons are very sound and you should do it.

As regards a future relationship - it actually might be fairer and more efficient. If I was a woman who was in her thirties dating a man in his thirties, I would naturally ask what his position on kids was. And if I really wanted kids, a response of "I've had the snip" makes things pretty clear and straightforward.

Whereas a lot of women ask and the bloke says "Well....I don't see how I could, really....I doubt it....." and she hears MAYBE! And then proceeds to hope he'll come around. And the years pass. And then she's on here saying "I thought he'd change his mind! He loves babies! You should see how good he is with his own kids!"

And it ends up being a bit traumatic for both her and him.

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 24/04/2017 19:13

Somerville I was looking to see if there is anything/angle I missed as it is such a big decision. Its only wise to see if anyone can add some insite into why I shouldn't. Its always best to open a model to scrutiny to see if there are any flaws.

OP posts:

Original poster

1DAD2KIDS · 24/04/2017 19:15

ElspethFlashman that's true, no wishy washy answers, no leading people on for years (it happens). Everyone knows where they stand before too much is invested.

OP posts:

Somerville · 24/04/2017 19:16

Oh okay. You call it a dilemma in your title which implies that you're finding it a difficult choice, you see.

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