Husband Complaining I Don't Earn Enough

[Greedynan]

Hi there. Just looking for a bit of advice really. Hubs and I have 2 young children. I recently went back to work full time after being part time for a while after being on maternity leave. I have a professional job and am at the top of my earning potential, which is approx £33k per annum, which I don't think is too bad. He earns quite a bit more than me and is quite ambitious in comparison to me. He comes from a family of academics whereas I was the second person in my family to go to uni and I didn't have a lot of expectation put on me when I grew up. Don't get me wrong, professional development is on my agenda but not right now. I feel pretty exhausted a lot of the time from work/home life. I do a majority of the house work. He's a great dad and does the gardening and walks the dog but I do disproportionately more of the domestic chores. Just lately he's been telling me I should have a long term career goal, that I should do a masters degree (which I've repeatedly suggested I do over the years at some point). He isn't saying these things in a supportive way; his manner is more condescending tbh. When I tell him that it's on my agenda but not right now he says I'm being defensive and should stop putting stuff off, that I repeatedly talk about changing my career but never do anything about it. The convo becomes tense and he then says he expects me at least to be contributing more financially. I've taken 2 lots of maternity leave for our children; relocated to another city to be closer to his elderly parent that we care for (another dimension to our relationship which adds to the pressure on us). This has all impacted on my career progression whilst he has remained in the same job throughout.

I feel really pee'd off. Any thoughts?

Sheesh that makes scary reading. I too was wondering why people were thinking that there'd be someone else

He is just very focussed on his career, particularly at the moment, as he's trying to change his career. He's been doing a few hours for another job. I mentioned before that he went out for a drink with a female colleague. Somebody else was there though. He was v up front with me about it all but I got quite annoyed because, at that time, we'd not been out for a drink just the two of us for a few years (no joke). He reassured me and said he'd cancel but then he went anyway. I later did some detective work (basically went thru his phone - yep, hands up) and he'd deleted all of the messages between him and this woman. I confronted him and he went nuts. Initially denied it but later admitted he'd deleted them because of my jealous past behaviours (yes, I have a history of jealousy). This was all a while ago now and there have been times when they've been in social situs together since and the whole thing bugs me. But, really, I know he doesn't really have time to stray. Though his head may well have been turned. This OW is an academic which is worth noting. How am I supposed to deal with all of this? I accept his head could've been turned but I also accept that this can happen in a marriage... my head was turned a few years back but I didn't act on anything...

Invoice him.

Weekly.

Cleaning X hours @ £10 (minimum) /hour
Chef X hours @?
Carer X hours @?
50% after school child care at X hours per child
Paperwork/accountancy service
Laundry & ironing service.

Seriously break it down and show him in black and white how much you put in which you may not have time to do if you have to do a better paid job.

Then ask him what he is willing to pay or contribute as his share to make up for the short fall his plans for you will cause.

Then tell him you already have too much on your plate and he needs to help others pay for a cleaner..

*or pay

Tell you expect him to be contributing more at home and ask for a detailed breakdown of how he proposes to do this. Not if you get a higher-paid job, but right now, as things stand.

Call his bluff.

Tonight.

You know what? (you condescending arsehole) I've had a good think and you're right. Now is the time for me to have the focus on my career. I spoke to my manager, she says it's great news and she'd love to have me on X Project asap. It'll really open doors and £progression for me. Now, you need to do xyz pick ups and abc domestics.

sometimes fantasise about being a single mum. How awful is that?!

Sounds perfectly sensible given how ghastly he is.

Bloody hell could he get any further up his own arse.

He appears to talk to you like you are five years old when in fact you are an amazing woman who has given him two children, looks after his bloody elderly parents and you get what for it; him putting you down and speaking to you like he's a sergeant Major; this sound nothing remotely like a healthy supportive partnership; I don't know how you can stand him tbh.

He sounds like a total wankbadger - why are you tolerating this?

I am sure you would be far happier on your own with 20% of his net income in maintenance and none of his shite.

Say that he sounds like a gold digger and chose the wrong woman to wring out.

Free him to use someone else. (I don't see how anyone could sniff at your salary though!)

It does sound like you would have much less on your plate as a single parent.

I agree with the fault finding as a strategy to mask the ulterior motive to fabricate circumstances to split. Not to say that is what he is doing, but could be.

This is not about you or your education or your pay check. This is all about him. Does he see himself as your manager? The condescension suggests so. Make it clear he is not your boss.

This is not normal behaviour from him op. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Dp and I have always supported each other and never pressures. When thinking about career choices, career progression and studying, we've discussed it and made decisions together. Dp decided to pull out of some post graduate training when dd was very young, as we knew the challenges would out weigh the benefits. I've taken a huge step forward in my career since dd was born, which I was only able to do due to dp doing way more than half the parenting and house work for a while. That's the kind of behaviour you should expect from your partner. Not bullying.