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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband Complaining I Don't Earn Enough

61 replies

Greedynan · 19/04/2017 22:27

Hi there. Just looking for a bit of advice really. Hubs and I have 2 young children. I recently went back to work full time after being part time for a while after being on maternity leave. I have a professional job and am at the top of my earning potential, which is approx £33k per annum, which I don't think is too bad. He earns quite a bit more than me and is quite ambitious in comparison to me. He comes from a family of academics whereas I was the second person in my family to go to uni and I didn't have a lot of expectation put on me when I grew up. Don't get me wrong, professional development is on my agenda but not right now. I feel pretty exhausted a lot of the time from work/home life. I do a majority of the house work. He's a great dad and does the gardening and walks the dog but I do disproportionately more of the domestic chores. Just lately he's been telling me I should have a long term career goal, that I should do a masters degree (which I've repeatedly suggested I do over the years at some point). He isn't saying these things in a supportive way; his manner is more condescending tbh. When I tell him that it's on my agenda but not right now he says I'm being defensive and should stop putting stuff off, that I repeatedly talk about changing my career but never do anything about it. The convo becomes tense and he then says he expects me at least to be contributing more financially. I've taken 2 lots of maternity leave for our children; relocated to another city to be closer to his elderly parent that we care for (another dimension to our relationship which adds to the pressure on us). This has all impacted on my career progression whilst he has remained in the same job throughout.

I feel really pee'd off. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
NonnoMum · 19/04/2017 23:26

HE sounds like my DH.

Naicehamshop · 19/04/2017 23:26

Tell him that you are going to do a masters and really concentrate on maximising your earning potential. This means, of course, that he will have to do a LOT more with the children and the house. Draw up a list of absolutely everything that you expect from him. If he doesn't accept this, tell him how disappointed you are with him, taking care to be as patronising as possible.

Then tell him to fuck off.

NonnoMum · 19/04/2017 23:26

Only I've got 3 children.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 19/04/2017 23:29

You sound quite upbeat given you live with a horrible man. I'm not surprised you have considered leaving, where's the love?

QueenLaBeefah · 19/04/2017 23:29

Has this arsehole got any good points?

Catherinebee85 · 19/04/2017 23:31

What a cock.

What would more money actually get you? It's not as though a masters would just magically earn you more money surely? It'd involve a couple of years of study which would = less time with your children with then maybe the chance to apply for higher earning jobs.

Sounds like you have much different priorities right now and that you need to talk about that before it drives a massive wedge between you x

Didiusfalco · 19/04/2017 23:34

I sometimes fantasise about being a single mum

Given what you've said about your husband that sounds totally reasonable

MusicToMyEars800 · 19/04/2017 23:44

tell him to fuck off!! I think 33k is a pretty fucking decent wage, and you both work, you do most of the housework.. why is he even making what you earn an issue?! I'm not surprised you fantasize about being a single parent.

PuffinNose · 19/04/2017 23:55

Is there a reason he wants you to bring more in? Is there a possibility he is feeling under pressure as the person who brings in the most?

TheMysteriousJackelope · 19/04/2017 23:56

He sounds like a joy.

If a masters is on your horizon anyway, I would work out what it would require from you in hours per week. Then I would list out all the jobs that need to be done for children/in-laws/pets/house and garden/shopping. They I would tell him how many of those jobs I could do each week while studying for the masters and tell him he needs to take on the rest, either in person or by paying a cleaner, gardener etc. If he can't do it, then tell him he is limiting your career potential and personal growth and you think poorly of him for it, especially as you put your career on hold to produce his children and to move to help his family out.

Properjob · 20/04/2017 00:03

He sounds a lot like my academic stbxh. He's ditching me after 30 years, as soon as I retired, even though I eventually did my fffing Masters!! Have a very frank conversation with him now. Don't forget you get at least 50% of everything including his pension. Hah.

ilovechoc1987 · 20/04/2017 00:04

I think he sounds like an arsehole.
He's the man in the relationship and you're the mother to 2 young children,
You earn a really decent salary and do most of the chores..what more could he want?????
Gone are the days when men were proud to have their wives stay at home and look after the little ones whilst they supported them!.
What the hell is wrong with him?.

ForestDad · 20/04/2017 00:05

haha I earn about £33k, DW £0k. Fancy a swap?

noego · 20/04/2017 00:14

Do the letters after his name stand for

BA = Bad attitude
MA = Master arsehole.

Academia is not the be all and end all of life. Believe me. I got out of the matrix years ago.

BuggersMuddle · 20/04/2017 00:20

Doesn't sound reasonable on the faec of things. Does he understand the hits you've taken?

DP and I have no kids, but we both understand his £££ experiences would've most likely involved splitting up (early days) or trailing spouse. Likewise my £££ opportunities would've involved mutual sacrifice (South East jobs with opposing, much longer commutes). So here we stay in Scotland understanding that I'm a mid- low senior manager rather than shooting to exec and he's moved from his highly specialised technical role into something that's rewarding and pays more.

That said we talk about this. We understand the impact of taking up individual opportunities as a couple vs staying where we are. So there's no opportunity to cast up. When DP gave up job opportunity involving move to South East (which I offered to get a transfer to support) we all knew what we were doing. When you've made these choices (career limiting, mat leave length, moves) have you had a clear discussion on the impacts? We always do even if we both kinda know the answer.

(Not saying we get everything right by any means, but I am a reasonably high earner who works for pay and DP was highly specialised, but in a lower paying industry that he loves, so there was a contention that needed to be evaluated.)

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2017 01:00

I cant help thinking that same as a pp....that his head has been turned by a high earner.

PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2017 01:01

submitted too soon....

and that this will be the first in a long line of criticisms he will invent. Really really hope that I am wrong.

Dairymilkmuncher · 20/04/2017 09:15

I'm so annoyed for you OP!! Angry

Please get this all sorted out with him soon because a life ahead of you with put downs and no encouragement is just not right. I don't know your hubs or the best way to get round it but with my DP it can be hard to bring this sort of stuff up face to face we both get too emotional/defensive so a well thought out email explaining my feelings used to do the trick he would have time to read, absorb and understand but I know not all men would appreciate that....

And a working mum getting over £30k and also shouldering most of the childcare and housework you're an absolute catch and he is so lucky to have you, I hope you're fitting in taking care of yourself in all this!

kingfisherblue33 · 20/04/2017 09:19

We have his elderly and ill parent over three nights a week, inc a day every.single.weekend.
hubs can be a bit of an emotional bully. He can be arrogant and condescending. He is never wrong. I rarely get a compliment. He tells me how to parent our children, criticises a lot of the time and, quite frankly, I sometimes fantasise about being a single mum.

OP, you COULD be a single mum!! That's a lot of his bad points right there. Does he have any good ones??

yetmorecrap · 20/04/2017 09:25

Tel him actually you will be better off as a single mum with maintenance if his attitude doesn't change

hellsbellsmelons · 20/04/2017 09:54

Good grief - what a feckin' knobhead!
You sound lovely.
Why are you putting up with this.
You could be far better off as a single mum.

Sorry but I believe he's probably had his head turned as well.

Original poster
Greedynan · 20/04/2017 12:33

Really? Maybe I'm being a bit naive... a few people have mentioned about hubs having his head turned. What is it I've said about the situ that makes you suspect this? TIA x

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 20/04/2017 12:41

Its the fact that so many of us know The Script and criticisms like this is often how it starts because they are comparing the wife to the OW (or potential OW). The wife is always found wanting. It can be earning potential, weight, looks, housekeeping, other financial stuff......basically anything that justifies them starting a new relationship somewhere else.

None of us are saying that that has definitely happened but dont write if off as a possibility, keep your eyes open. Things like extra long visits to the gym, longer hours at work, "conferences" that require an overnight stay where there havent been any before. "Mentionitis". Being very grumpy and picky at you for nothing much at all and constantly trying to pick fights or find a reason to storm out for hours on end.

As I said, not saying this has definitely happened, its just worth bearing it in mind as a possibility.

Rainbowqueeen · 20/04/2017 12:43

I think because if there is an OW or the prospect of one then the criticisms start. It's a bit of a red flag. It may also be so if you split he thinks he will be required to give you less

Has he told you what he is willing to do so that you can earn this extra money? What would happen if you asked him? Or does he think his career progression is solely down to him and your contributions re child rearing and running the home have made no difference?

I would think hard about my options in your situation

Original poster
Greedynan · 20/04/2017 12:43

Thank you. I wil def keep this in mind xx

OP posts: