In law visits - how often is too often?

[BigDaddy2017]

A chap writing in....interested in the perspective of others.

My wife and I are in our 40s both on second marriages, her kids are young (10 and 12) mine are older (18 and 24) and we have my wife's kids (who are great) with us one week on/one week off. Everything is tickety boo apart from my in-laws who live close (2 miles) and want to visit EVERY day when we have their grandchildren with us and every other day when we don't.

Appreciate they want to see them but in my view every day is just way too much and when they visit they tend to take over and my wife and I don't get time with the children on our own.

At our previous house (10 miles away it dropped to 1-2 times a week but is now getting progressively worse - on the rare occasion we do get time alone as a couple they will call asking if they can 'pop round'.

We have politely but firmly tried to curtail the visits but they take no notice - not helped by the fact that my father in law is, frankly, a domineering, opinionated know-all. They very reluctantly stayed away for a couple of days last time it was mentioned (by me...politely but firmly) but now ask if they can come when I'm not there instead as they think that I am 'the problem'.

I'm a pretty amiable guy but it is causing real issues in my otherwise excellent marriage and I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode - it has now reached the point where I stay late at work ( run my own business) rather than go home but I am approaching the point where I feel I've had enough. My wife is also exasperated with them and has been very direct in asking them to leave us alone but nothing seems to work. The situation is also exacerbated by the fact that the in-laws do not get on (with each other) and I think coming to us is 'go to' alternative than having to spend time rattling around in their house together.

Interested in how often everyone else sees their in laws.......

:-/

Hi all

A quick update. It's currently playing out pretty much as I suspected - I am now, officially, Public Enemy Number 1 and ILS are going for the divide and conquer approach with me being positioned very much as'the problem' with more attempts to visits when I'm not around and even telling the children that they 'are not being allowed to visit them at mummy's home now' which, of course, ratchets up the pressure on mum with tearful children and helps paint them as the victims. All very predictable and unfair on the kids but easily neutralised with a calm and balanced explanation from us (to the children).

Thankfully OH is standing firm and batting it all straight back. They'll be a few weeks of this I'm sure and it will be a strain but we both know that if we don't stand our ground and have our boundaries respected then it will never, ever change. Thanks again to all for the advice and support, it's been much appreciated.

If they're misleading the children, and causing them distress, then stop the children spending time with them and tell the PILs why you're doing it. They can't behave that way without consequence.

You're doing well to keep going. Well done!

I think the kids are old enough to understand that you don't want their grandparents round every evening. If the ILs are trying to contact the kids in other ways the kids might get fed up of this and not want to see much of them either.
Did your wife's ex find them overbearing as well? if so he won't want them trying to get involved on the weeks he has the kids.
They will soon get used to the new normal.
The kids will appreciate being able to eat their dinner without an audience and an atmosphere.

Just read this thread and I am impressed by your decisive action, OP. Bet your DW is relieved. Grateful too. You did the necessary and now she's not getting it in the neck from her DPs. My DH and I did that - if we didn't want to do something our own relatives were pushing we'd blame the other one: "that holiday you think we should all take? Well, DH really doesn't like the idea." It provides the perfect excuse.

It really was an impossible situation for both of you. I adore my DPs but daily visits? No way!

They are classic narcissists experiencing a narcissistic injury to their pride. Watch carefully now as they launch into full bore power and control attempts and believe me, a narcissist will stop at nothing to get their own way, as you have seen, by them pulling the disgusting tactic of playing the victim to the kids.

This needs to be nipped in the bud and fast, otherwise the kids will become their primary tool of manipulation. Very well done on keeping calm and explaining boundaries to the children. The inability to learn and understand boundaries and respecting and setting them can result in massive issues for young adults and it is very difficult to learn in later life.

You are effectively renegotiating this relationship and that inevitably brings some pain, however sticking with it is vital or they will run riot over your family needs

Your OH should encourage her parents to find some hobbies and other areas of focus as they seemed to have made her and the children their focal point. It might help with their own relationship if they can find a common interest to keep themselves occupied and if they really can't stand each other then some separate interests but they need to busy themselves some other way if you really want them off your back. They sound like they have a lot of time on their hands!

OP I think you were generous in your statement after the meal regarding contact. IIWM I would have withdrawn all privileges and returned a few one at a time until I and OH felt comfortable. Under the new arrangement IMO your ILs will get enough with DC. Just make sure they are supervised or the whispering campaign will continue, unfair on DC.