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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

In law visits - how often is too often?

57 replies

BigDaddy2017 · 19/04/2017 13:56

A chap writing in....interested in the perspective of others.

My wife and I are in our 40s both on second marriages, her kids are young (10 and 12) mine are older (18 and 24) and we have my wife's kids (who are great) with us one week on/one week off. Everything is tickety boo apart from my in-laws who live close (2 miles) and want to visit EVERY day when we have their grandchildren with us and every other day when we don't.

Appreciate they want to see them but in my view every day is just way too much and when they visit they tend to take over and my wife and I don't get time with the children on our own.

At our previous house (10 miles away it dropped to 1-2 times a week but is now getting progressively worse - on the rare occasion we do get time alone as a couple they will call asking if they can 'pop round'.

We have politely but firmly tried to curtail the visits but they take no notice - not helped by the fact that my father in law is, frankly, a domineering, opinionated know-all. They very reluctantly stayed away for a couple of days last time it was mentioned (by me...politely but firmly) but now ask if they can come when I'm not there instead as they think that I am 'the problem'.

I'm a pretty amiable guy but it is causing real issues in my otherwise excellent marriage and I feel like a pressure cooker about to explode - it has now reached the point where I stay late at work ( run my own business) rather than go home but I am approaching the point where I feel I've had enough. My wife is also exasperated with them and has been very direct in asking them to leave us alone but nothing seems to work. The situation is also exacerbated by the fact that the in-laws do not get on (with each other) and I think coming to us is 'go to' alternative than having to spend time rattling around in their house together.

Interested in how often everyone else sees their in laws.......

:-/

OP posts:

happypoobum · 19/04/2017 16:05

I agree re not opening the door. I had to do this with XILS a few times before they took the hint and stopped "popping round" uninvited.

I knew they could see I was home but I just sat still or busied myself around the house until they went away.

Same with the phone - you don't have to answer it. Assuming you have caller display, let them go to voicemail and respond if/when it's convenient.

Agree long term you will have to move to another planet away.

Crapuccino · 19/04/2017 16:23

ohfourfoxache: I remember my dad going nuclear on my mum's mum.

If done at the right time for the right reasons, I think it can be a really defining moment in a family, in a good way. DH said it was like letting out two years of anger and resentment in a single, cathartic, one minute burst. He was floating round on a cloud of pure relief for months after that. It took me longer to feel like we'd done the right thing but now, not a question in my mind. I think if he hadn't got it out, we wouldn't have made it because eventually all that resentment would have been turned on me.

Like fox says, OP, if your DP is on side and you can present a united front, then you both ultimately hold the cards. It's not nice to have to use them, but if they can't follow clear requests, then it might be time to start laying down some aces.

SeaCabbage · 19/04/2017 18:27

I haven't read the whole thread and I'm sure it is tricky but surely if you and your wife are in agreement, then you have to not let them in in the first place.

They can't keep coming over to your house if you don't let them in the doorway.

Do not answer the door. Decide what you are comfortable with and let them know when you want to see them. And stick to it. Say once a fortnight. Arranged by text or phone. Between times, I repeat, DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR!!

DevelopingDetritus · 19/04/2017 18:54

I think a once a week visit is enough. The idea of grandchildren doing a sleep over at theirs is a good idea too.

Silverdream · 19/04/2017 19:05

I'd hate that I'd feel a stranger in my own home.
How about giving them a day they can visit. In law Wednesday and make it clear that's the only day they can pop round unless invited by both of you.
If they insist on popping over open the door and say it's inconvenient and see you on Wednesday.
Both of you need to be strong and stick to it.
It sounds grim.

2rebecca · 19/04/2017 21:33

If your wife doesn't want them there every day then she has to learn to stand up to her parents and tell them their visits are too intusive as you don't have enough time together and you want them to develop their own social life more and give you more space. Suggest once a week max or something.
Is the problem that she wanted them around a lot when she was a "single parent" but now doesn't need them as much and they've not really developed lives of their own.

Siwdmae · 19/04/2017 21:53

What do they do when they come round so often?!

I wonder if your wife is rely standing up to them? Is she actually ok seeing them so often or does she just not feel able to tell them to fuck off? I bloody would. Want me to come round? They sound invasive and uncaring of how their shitty actions are impacting on you.

Siwdmae · 19/04/2017 21:53

Ment to say: don't let them keep you out of your own home. That is beyond outrageous!

AddToBasket · 19/04/2017 22:05

Your wife has to do this. They'll keep coming back unless it is from her. Can she write to them saying the impact it is having? Maybe if they see it in black and white?

Original poster

BigDaddy2017 · 20/04/2017 09:43

Firstly thanks again to all for posting. Not intending to give a daily running commentary 'soap' drama on this (sure it will bore everyone to tears!) but based on what I read on this thread I have to say that last night at home was a seminal moment so I thought I'd share it...

I got home and , sure enough, the ILs car was parked in the drive and they had landed for the evening. Dinner was on the table when I walked in with my wife running around after them (while they sat on their backsides) and they were busy undermining our instructions to the children about excessive TV consumption by letting them watch whatever they wanted.

I waited until towards the end of the meal when, as expected, the " We'll pop in tomorrow again around teatime and see you and the children"....

'Erm..actually, no you won't' I heard myself saying out loud ......'and in future you need to agree in advance with us a convenient time to come over rather than just pop in. Elly and I are finding your visits excessive and we want some time alone as a family. You can come over for lunch on Sunday and you can have a whole day with the kids on a Wednesday when we have them, the rest of the time is ours and we will be doing other things".

The phrase ' could have heard a pin drop' is an understatement. Neither answered me and looked directly at my wife who, thank god, backed me up an agreed that that was what she wanted too.

A few 'never been so insulted' mumbles and icy stares towards me later they were off out the door with a slam.

Awkward but I have to say, it felt like a weight had come off my/our shoulders and my only regret is not saying it sooner. Fall out today no doubt but I'm ready for that. Thanks again for all the replies, certainly helped my sanity and reinforced my/our view that the unreasonable behavior here wasn't coming from us.

OP posts:

Crapuccino · 20/04/2017 09:58

Well done OP. Of course, the proof will be in he pudding. Let's see if they actually respect the decision and stick to it.

And don't forget - you don't have to answer the door. Especially if you're having dinner!

ohfourfoxache · 20/04/2017 10:13

Absolutely bloody fantastic- well done!

I bet your DW was so, so relieved that you said something. I'm so pleased that you've stood up for your family.

DevelopingDetritus · 20/04/2017 10:19

Well done OP. Don't let them weedle their way back in because I'm sure they'll be trying that one.

OnTheRise · 20/04/2017 10:23

Very well done! Now you just have to enforce the new arrangement, which is going to be tricky at first. Stick to your guns. Don't answer the door or phone if you don't want to. If you do open the door to them, don't let them in. It's going to be difficult but you can do this.

Two visits a week is still too much in my view, so you're being very generous to them, even if they don't see that.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2017 11:39

You poor man. I'd have to be fitted for a straight jacket by now if I were you. Given that you have both tried to talk to her parents and they refuse to listen, I think the only option, and the one which might actually get through to them, is to not answer the door. I would inform them that this is what you're going to do should they pop in without prior approval, that way they aren't completely caught off guard. Ugh. What a nightmare.

2rebecca · 20/04/2017 12:03

Well done. I think it's impossible to be assertive with overbearing people without offending them. Considerate relatives would have been asking when it's convenient to come but this pair sound totally self centred so the only way to stop them taking over your house and lives is to be self centred back.
Arriving at a meal time seems bizarre if you haven't been invited for dinner.
It sounds like your wife needs to learn to be more assertive with them as well in a "this is our house and they have watched enough TV please stop undermining me" sort of way but if she's never done that before she'll find it hard now. Why did you move near them if they're that awful?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/04/2017 12:16

I missed your update! Good for you! Standing up to them is long overdue. They might be pissed at the moment, but they'll just have to get over it. And they will.

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 12:16

Fantastic. Well done!

It's never easy putting in boundaries with unreasonable people but it is vital. Reasonable people don't have to be told how to behave decently.

Very glad for your wife that you took charge of this.

JK1773 · 20/04/2017 16:18

Wow well done!! I had ex ILs like this but we didn't have DC (thankfully as it happens). I tried asking them to stay away by being a bit meek like '... no you do enough for us, have a day off...' etc. Never worked, just used to slag me off to my ex who never supported me, despite saying he did when they weren't there. Horrible situation. No doubt they're not happy in themselves which may be why they're out all the time at your house. I'm very impressed, your DW needs to be strong now as they will no doubt blame you entirely for this

happypoobum · 20/04/2017 17:05

Well done OP

Prepare yourself for one of them having The Mystery Illness.................

MusicIsMedicine · 20/04/2017 18:25

The next stage with people like this is the passive aggressive behaviour. They will behave as if they have been wronged and will either stay away and give the silent treatment to try to manipulate an apology and the "rules" being dropped, or they will simply ignore the boundaries and start turning up again and when reminded, claim they forgot or its just this once.

This is why once a boundary is put in, sticking to it is vital. Once they succeed in making you break your boundaries once, that is it out the window.

There is usually some fallout when a boundary is first put in, as all parties adjust to the new relationship dynamics and the being prepared for this is key. It will be hard for both your wife and you at first if they resort to control and manipulation to get their own way. Boundary-less people often have a whole range of unhealthy behaviours.

Silverdream · 20/04/2017 22:42

👍 brilliant. I hope they stick to the rules and don't try to sneak in tomorrow.

ForalltheSaints · 21/04/2017 06:29

I think whatever you decide as the approach, doing it together may send the message better.

ForalltheSaints · 21/04/2017 06:31

Sorry should have added in future, once you've had their response over the next week or so.

LatteLady · 21/04/2017 08:27

Wow! Well done OP,

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