Wise words there neutrogena, and in reply I can only hope to god that I never go back to how I was. I don't want to not ever drink again (who does?!) but if that's the only way I can lead a good life and be a good mum, then so be it.
I am not really a believer in AA (apologies to any who it works for, I know it does for masses of people), but there really is truth in the 'one day at a time'. When I first found out I was pregnant, even though I had gone off alcohol (mainly how I knew something was up!), the thought of not drinking for the next 8/9 months terrified me, plus the thought of the fact that alcohol had made me so selfish that I would carry on drinking regardless and damage my baby
. But I went the first evening without a drink, then the second, then the third and so on. And before I knew it, a week had been done. And then two... and so on. I am not trying to suggest it was easy by any stretch of the imagination (restlessness, irritable moods, sleeplessness, etc) even though I had cut down drastically before. But it was easier than I had convinced myself when I was in the grip of two bottles of wine a night. Almost as if I had convinced myself that I could never give up or get out of the cycle.
Once I had proved to myself that I could survive and even shock horror have fun without drinking, it was far less difficult if that makes sense? Plus the feeling of being normal again far outweighed any desire to get blotto every night. Don't get me wrong, there are days when I would love to go and sit in the pub, or open a bottle of wine or three and just lose myself, but as time has gone on, that has become less strong. I do find myself reminding myself that it is 'just for now' but hopefully by the time the baby is here I will be able to have a more of a permanent mindset. I just want to be a good mum, and set a good example, and I know I could never do either if I was to get into old habits.
I don't even mind when other people are drinking around me now, whereas that would have absolutely killed me previously (ironic really, considering it was the drinking that would have been slowly killing me!).
Anyway, waffling on again. Hope you don't mind if I pop in now and again to say hi (this bus has been such a great support in the past) and that I don't come across as some sort of smug smarmy Mcsmug pants. Drinking has cost me countless relationships, two jobs, many friends, a house, two failed stints in rehab and other things that I am too ashamed to admit. Makes me feel a bit sad that it has taken this to make me give up, as if I didn't value myself enough to give it up for, only my child. But now that my head is clear, my eyes are bright, my skin is far better, my face is not bloated and red, my hair is shiny, I don't wake up with panic attacks, bruises and no memory of the night before, my bank balance is healthy, my friends are true, I am finally in a relationship with a lovely guy who doesn't judge me, who helps me rather than puts me down, who works with me, not against me, and I am actually enjoying life, and looking forward to the next chapters (even though I am scared shitless!), I can see that I kind of am worth it. And so are you all. I just wish I hadn't wasted the last decade of my life in a drunken blur or things could have been very different. But in some ways I am glad they are not, but I wish I didn't have so many horrible and deep regrets.
Anyway babes, have a good day, I promise I will stop now (made me a bit emotional typing that!). Remember you are all special people, and you deserve to be happy and healthy and hopeful, even though a lot of you are facing very difficult times and amaze me with your strength. And kick that wine/gin/vodka Bitch where it hurts.