I left the bastard ... now what do I do

[Nowitsover]

I have posted here before under a different name, I had some very helpful advice on how bad H's behaviour was and some tips on how to prepare to leave him.

So it all kicked off on Thursday night. H bought the eldest DD1 a giant Easter egg but didn't buy anything for the other DCs. Eldest DS1 was really upset about this and asked H why he didn't buy him one. H started shouting and screaming at him that he didn't deserve one and he was a bad boy. DS1 was getting so upset so I sent him upstairs. H then had a massive go at me for letting DS 1 go upstairs.
H was really awful and threatening and nasty. DD1 was still in the room and begged him to stop but he wouldn't.
He stormed through the house smashing stuff and then eventually went out to the pub.

So I gathered up the DCs and all their stuff and left. We went to my grandmother's house the first night. Then I went back the house picked up some stuff we had left. Then DD 1 had an idea which she got from a book that we should go to the seaside away from here for a bit.

So we are currently in a small caravan park by the seaside. I don't really know what to do next. We need to go back at some point because the DCs will have to go back to school next week. H is really angry. I text him once to tell him the DCs were safe. He was been texting and calling constantly telling me he is destroying the house if I don't come home.

I don't want to go back to him because my kids deserve better. But I don't know how to keep them safe from H.

Well done for getting out x

Call the council and tell them you want a homeless appointment. Also you may need to call jobcentre if you might need benefit advice.

I'd also call the police non emergency number so they know what happened and it gets recorded that this is a dv case.

Dont go back to the house without the police.

Stay safe. I've been in a similar situation. Make notes of all the suggestions above so you can refer to them when you need to.
I'm so proud of you for leaving. I know how hard it is. You are a fantastic Mum for putting your children first.
I really hope none of the above comes across as condescending.

Well done for leaving him and showing your dc that this is not normal.
Just echoing others about contacting women's aid, the job centre for benefits and your local authority to go on the housing list. I know in many areas of you are escaping domestic abuse you get bumped up the ladder for social housing.
Good luck

I know now isn't the time really, but as your married surely some of the equity in the house is yours? Please don't let yourself be walked over - you need legal advice here.

It may also have some bearing on how the council can help you longer term.

Citizens advice bureau are brilliant. They will give you all the contract numbers to start getting financial support and housing.

Basically, I think you should long term stay out of the house. Most divorces they say stay in the house but your ex is dysfunctional so that won't be possible for you. You need to get advice on how to get on your own two feet. Keep the nasty threatening messages and show the police so that they will escort you when you go to the house and collect a truck load of your possessions and documents. Don't go there without them.

You will need a solicitor if you are married so that you can take him to court and split the assets before you divorce. Legal aid is hard to come by. But citizens advice can tell you all about this too.

Regarding the children, they are allowed to have a say about custody arrangements. If they are frightened of him they can say of they don't want unsupervised contact. Again ask citizens advice about this to begin with....they can point you in the right direction

Buy an a4 notebook and have a two page spread each for

• Housing... Dealings with the housing association need to be recorded.send stuff to them by recorded mail.
• Incoming finances... Wages, child Ben, universal credit...this needs sorting first
• Divorce...solicitor, court dates, assets
• Bills...all your outgoings balanced against your income
• Record of his threats
• Children... School stuff that needs to be sorted eg making sure you are the one to collect from school, free school meals and the associated benefits like trips and extra help with school work

It will help you feel like you are getting things in order bit by bit

Bump, OP - well done for what you've done so far. You are amazing.

You don't have to do this all alone. It's impossible to manage somebody like this without help. Women's Aid, the police - you WILL be able to access help. You and your family have the right to be safe.

Also it might be worth getting this loved to relationships as there are some amazing ladies in there who will be able to support you

Loved = moved!

I don't know the best procedures for what to do in this situation but you've absolutely done the right thing by leaving, stay strong and keep talking to us.

You and your children deserve better. Keep records of everything that's happened and any supporting texts etc.

Best wishes to you. Maybe the council can help with emergency housing?

You've reach the bottom now op.
The only way is UP now.
It will be ok .

Yes, as a PP has said, get this moved to relationships.

Thank you
I have reported the thread and asked for it to be moved to relationships.
I have spent most of the day on hold to the council trying, I have managed to make an appointment with the housing department s thats something.

Can I ask roughly what area you happen to be in 'by the sea'? Would like to help if you're near me

WELL DONE for leaving the bastard (and he really does sound like an utter bastard).

You need specialist DVA support and legal advice. Please call Women's Aid (lines open 24/7) and the free Rights of Women family law helpline (limited hours but open tonight 7-9pm).

As you're married it doesn't matter if your name isn't on the house deeds, you have "home rights" and you might be able to get an occupation order which allows you and the children to stay in the family home and forces your husband to leave. If you can't (or don't want to) do that, you might be able to apply for social housing but it depends on the council's allocations policy and you would probably need to provide evidence of his abuse in order to be eligible. Women's Aid, Rights of Women and Citizens Advice would all be able to advise you on these possibilities.

You have made the first step to keep yourself and your children safe - just carry on taking those steps one by one, and it will all work out.

Hi OP well done for being so brave. Leaving an abusive relationship is a very difficult thing to do. Hopefully the Housing team will be able to help you, I was going to suggest them as first port of call. Do you own the house or is it rented?

I

Sorry, just re-read and seen it's in his name.

Hi OP, do you have any savings you can use? You could potentially find a private rental and get moved in pretty quick if you have the money. If not, could someone loan you some money? Well done for leaving!! what a brave lady.

Get the police or a friend to come back with you.

You've been very brave getting away - have you phoned women's aid yet ?

Why are so many men suck total dickwads like this! Using their strength to bully and intimidate their wives, partners and DCs. Fucking HELL. It is absolutely fucking rife.

Well done OP. You've had some great advice here. You are a brave lady but please don't go back there by yourself.

Good luck x

FerdinandsRevenge, for all anyone knows you could be the ex. I hope that was just idiocy that prompted you to post and not anything malicious.

Yay!!! Well done, that's amazing! And even though it isn't nice for your children to see, at least they can understand your reasons for leaving!

Xx