why do people stay

[Justbreathing]

in dysfunctional relationships. I spent 10 years in one. My mother spent 25 years in one, a lot of my friends seem to be in them.

two of my best friends are in dead marriages and they tell me some horror stories about their relationship, I would never judge them for staying, but I just can't believe such wonderful people have ended up so ground down, on antidepressants, drinking to numb the pain, and I'm sure their OH arent happy either.

I just cannot believe the huge amount of low level unhappiness that most people I know are in.

not looking for any particular answers, I've read about FOG and obviously each person has their own personal reasons. but I It's sad to think most people I know will get divorced when their kids are older, and will have lost a huge chunk of their life feeling miserable like my parents.

some will make it, it just doesn't seem in the majority

I stay for all reasons in above post and the fact in in laws never felt right . I found out at the end of marriage why the inlays were off and I know my ex does not believe it . But I am glad I kept my kids from them.

My kids wish we had separated sooner .

My ex had adhd and and and wanted the house . I had no where to go . He only left because he thought he would get the house back he did not took 5 years of fighting going to court 1000s of pounds .

I even has affair and he did leave me .

My marriage was shit from about day 3 . And I wanted kids so had them with him .

Our kids are damaged and they don't really like me.
I have up everything for them. Fought as much as I could for them as had asd and other health issues.

I am in counciling have been for just over a year. Still not further forward as how my life as going to go.

I was just sitting here reading this and it struck me; if I had everything I needed in place now - a home at least comparable to the one we have, a job and/or enough money, if I could provide the nice things my DDs like to have (nothing outrageous just money for cinema and pizza, their own rooms nicely decorated) - if I had ALL those things, would I be able to cope emotionally and leave?

My H is emotionally abusive, does the strategic incompetence thing, isn't particularly nice to the kids although he thinks he is, the house is a tip because of his behaviour, he's lazy and entitled. I worry that all this might affect any relationship with grandchildren etc. I despise him, sexless marriage (my choice) for 13 years.

But despite all that, if I had everything I needed, at this moment in time I would not be sure I could leave and this is probably the first time I have ever admitted it to myself. So this now brings me back to the OP's original question - why not? Why do I feel I can't or shouldn't go?

maxwellandpeterson I think you have hit the nail on the head there. Especially for me. After 30 years of selfishness, not a family man, not bothered with my family, pub-guy, gave as little as possible - I am left with an older version who wants now to be a family man, not realising that the consequences of his past actions (non-actions) have left me and his DD completely ambivalent towards him. Marriage mainly sexless for last 15 years due to low-level drinking every night, nightmare MIL who lives nearby.

So, what to do at over 50? start again? It is so easy to let time go by just keeping the status quo. I think to myself that I have a brilliant job, beautiful clever dd, nice house and good friends. It's just that I have a crap marriage. I know I should have left years ago - I had plenty of reasons, but I hung on hoping things would change and of course they don't really. a wise mumsnetter said once 'listen when they tell you who they are as you won't change them' but MN wasn't around when I was a young wife trying so hard to get things right. I suspect there are a great many of us in my situation.

When my mum finally did leave, she met a lovely caring man who was not an abusive arse like my father who cheated on her the whole time.

and she left when she was 50 so I think there is hope for all.

I feel glad that she will spend her life happy now. because when she wasn't she was horrific to be around. hence why we don't really have a close relationship. And I really wish we did

I had my own house sitting empty, a good wage and I still stayed.
It felt better for my DD to bring her up in a nuclear family and I know she is upset about her parents being separated. We probably got on superficially most of the time but we weren't a partnership, we lived parallel lives. Ultimately I did something which I knew would probably break us up and I'm still working out if it was self sabotage. (It wasn't an affair or anything like that)

The psychology of abuse is really powerful. I wasn't even with my ex that long, but he had trained me to spend all my time thinking about what would please him rather than me, because the consequences of his displeasure were so severe. Quite literally, even after I left, I would walk into a shop and could only see what I could buy for him rather than myself.

I left with dd, but I had so much going for me - an income of my own, a family that were desperate to see me out of the relationship, but above all, I'd been to counselling and had achieved clarity that I couldn't fix this and it would get better. Even with all those factors in my favour, it was still very hard to do. I'm not at all surprised that people stay, just sad for the impact on their lives.

I stayed because I had no clue that walking on eggshells and being scared of upsetting him wasn't normal. I just repeated the patterns I'd learnt as a child.

My parents relationship with each other and with me was abusive. So many people/books/articles tell you how you have to 'work' at relationships. I just thought I needed to work harder and it'd come good. I'd never read about emotional/mental/financial etc abuse and well, he never 'meant' to hurt me, so it never occured to me that he was abusive.

I wish we could educate children about how a good relationship should feel, so they don't get stuck in these awful repeating cycles.

yes AhYerWill, I think that would be such a good idea. Usually it's parents who should teach you, but if you grow up in a dysfunctional home it's highly likely you'll repeat that pattern.
I feel so sad for my teenage self and the awful shit I used to put up with from men, and continued to do so up until now, 20 years later.

I'm in a loving, non abusive relationship but DP bores and irritates me to tears, and he feels equally bored and irritated by me. I'm happy to suck it up for a variety of reasons. Primarily, our DS. We parent well together, and DS feels secure in the family unit.

Secondly, finances. We gave good jobs and live in a nice area. Life is good. If we separated, we'd both have to go and live in starter flats in dodgy areas. No thanks.

Thirdly, self awareness. I'm a self starting person. I don't need or want a relationship which completes me, I want one that gives me all the time and space I need to please myself. DP and I do well living 'together alone'. It's not for everyone but it works for us.

None of this applies in an abusive relationship of course, but it answers the question I always had as a kid about why people who find each other dull or annoying continue living together. It's entirely pragmatic.

I stay because leaving is not likely to make any of us happier.

The relationship with DH is depressing but workable. We both get very irritable with each other - he wants more intimacy and closeness, I want more independence (and for him to stop fucking stroking the back of my neck when I've told him I hate it, the twazzock, and then saying, all hurt, that he was 'just being nice'... and breathe...) but there's underlying care and love and affection there, I hope.

The insoluble 'relationship problem' for both of us is DS (young adult with many problems). If we split, DS loses even that precarious stability, and neither of us has any support through the worst patches. But it's the insoluble nature of DS's problems that kind of grind us down and leave us feeling guilty, inadequate and depressed parents. We're all a bit hard to live with.