why do people stay

[Justbreathing]

in dysfunctional relationships. I spent 10 years in one. My mother spent 25 years in one, a lot of my friends seem to be in them.

two of my best friends are in dead marriages and they tell me some horror stories about their relationship, I would never judge them for staying, but I just can't believe such wonderful people have ended up so ground down, on antidepressants, drinking to numb the pain, and I'm sure their OH arent happy either.

I just cannot believe the huge amount of low level unhappiness that most people I know are in.

not looking for any particular answers, I've read about FOG and obviously each person has their own personal reasons. but I It's sad to think most people I know will get divorced when their kids are older, and will have lost a huge chunk of their life feeling miserable like my parents.

some will make it, it just doesn't seem in the majority

My mother's best friend tried so very hard to leave. Her DH was awful, she would wear polonecks all year round to cover bruises, he would monitor her milage so he always knew where she was. The abuse was badand she was raped,beaten,locked in rooms etc.

She had been housed in a refuge several times, each time he found her. Her two sons were very young and he made sure she was fired from every job she ever had. She had no money or the opportunity to gain any independence. Police were involved but ineffective. (This was early ninties)

They eventually moved up north, and within a week,he murdered her. She was stabbed 50+ times. I am crying writing this as she was the loveliest mum and friend you could wish for. She tried EVERYTHING to leave but had everything against her.

God Suffolk that is horrific
Utterly horrific
Poor children.

Oh, that's so sad, Suffolk, the poor woman.

I stayed because I didn't know any different way of life.
I moved from my parents house at 17 years old to my own
home as a wife. And now over 46 years (more than half of it
loveless and sexless) of miserable marriage to a passive
aggressive I'm getting divorced.
And I don't know how's going to pan out, I suffer ill health +
disability and barely leave the house. I think the rest of my
life is going to be lonely and a struggle but I would still prefer
it to a dead marriage where I'm treated as if I'm a disease.
I feel I've served my time.

• Fear
• Lack of money (especially SAHM, low earners, poor education)
• Low self esteem
• Low confidence
• Thinking you can't do better
• Love
• Kids (their stability)
• Kids (Not wanting to loose time with them)
• Hoping it will improve
• Not even recognising the relationship is abusive

This thread is heartbreaking. Annieshop all strength to you.

Annie, I think you sound amazing and I think you will be happier! Life is complicated but small joys will be worth so much.
Ive started helping at a charity, a few hours a week, I cannot believe how that has given me a good feeling of self worth.
We all deserve to be happy. Maybe that's what we forget.
I wish everyone was happy, but I have to realise I cannot make everyone happy and at the same time utterly sacrifice my own happiness

I stayed for financial reasons and because I put my kids' needs before mine. It wasn't until they asked me why I was putting up with so much abuse from their father that I realised things had to change. I was also afraid of being alone but now I am much happier and I regret wasting so many years of my life with the bastard!

In comfort zone - however uncomfortable that actually is.

Money. Kids.

The hope that it'll get better.

I left a 18 year unhappy marriage for another man who, 3 years later, has turned out to be a largely selfish controlling twat. But, mad as it might sound, I have to say, I don't regret any of it.

Of course I wish my marriage had been happier - but I tried hard at it, and it wasn't. And I think EXHusb and I are both happier out of it. And of course I wish DP hadn't been such a controlling twat.

But my parents were unhappily married and it was a horrible situation in which to grow up, especially as the only child. And as they got older their unhappiness and frustration with each other only deepened. I would not wish that on anyone.

I think DH would kill himself. He almost did once before. I am ok mostly but get a chill every now and again. I've fought for the marriage and DH has changed for the better but I suspect that I am too damaged from past EA to ever love him fully again...

Fear that I wouldn't be able to cope in terms of setting an example for my DCs as I suffer from social anxiety.

I didn't cope; we had a very solitary life (DCs grown up now) and though I have a good relationship with them and two are in happy, stable relationships, I worry terribly about my DD, who though she can handle being alone much better than me, still spends far more time alone than I think is good for her.

As for me, 15 years on I haven't managed to overcome my social anxiety or make friends, let alone find a new partner. My ex and I get along pretty well, he has mellowed (he was EA) and sometimes I think I made the wrong decision for all of us.

For myself, if I'd known then how lonely I would be for so long, and with no prospect of my being able to change that or get used to it, I don't think I would have had the courage to leave...and gain what? I still don't feel I can cope.

This thread is sad. It's such a shame that so many women put up and shit up in this day and age. The men are probably just as unhappy too. Very sad.

Shut up not shit up!!!

Also, a lot of relationships aren't bad for all of the time. If they were, then I think more people would leave sooner. Sometimes you still laugh together, have nice days out, go on enjoyable holidays, and enjoy the companionship of being with that person who you've probably known for many years. At those times, you can get lulled into a temporary sense of happiness that helps you 'get over' the last bout of meanness.

Some types of 'dysfunction' in a relationship can be quite subtle and take many years to creep up on you and wear you down.

The thoughts of leaving, starting again, dealing with the finances in separating, the potential nasty atmosphere as you start the separation process, the divorce process; then living alone, being lonely, potentially regretting it - all those can be huge stumbling blocks.

This is a question I keep asking myself several times a day. Caught my w sexting multiple guys a couple of weeks ago and have had a string of lies and hiding things from me since then.

I know she's still talking (she claims it's all innocent stuff now but don't believe her). She'd said to one that they could meet up but he couldn't make it (just waiting for her to try again).

The main issues for me are money - no way I can afford to keep the house/rent a new one, buy furniture etc so stuck there. The children - 2 ds under 3yo, the idea of not seeing them everyday makes me want to kill myself and there is no way anyone else is raising my kids (not that I think she has found anyone yet).

Love - despite all the crap she's put me through -very little remorse shown and refusal to delete app and give me access to phone when I want it to check - I still love her deeply and we keep fluctuating between every thing seeming fine and us making each other happy (last night) to barely speaking and talking about how we shouldn't be together any more if this is what it'll be like (yesterday afternoon - I know, work that one out!)

Oh I meant to add, this morning was super frosty again despite going to bed on good terms, talk about mixed signals

Money is a BIG one, I think. Also not wanting the kids to go with the ex on his/her own.

I had no money to leave. I was emotionally ground down and thought I was worthless. He told me he would take the kids off me and I would never see them again. I had to account for everywhere I went and everything I did and tell him where I was at all times and where I had been during the day so he knew what I was doing. I had no access to money except what he gave me bar the child benefit which he monitored the spending of. Every penny had to be accounted for. Also physical and sexual abuse. But that was just a part of making me feel worth less.

Yes it's money. If money wasn't an issue, leaving wouldn't be one either

If children are in the equation it's not that easy. Also you need family to depend on, if family doesn't exist, what do you do?

I have two close friends in long-term, unhappy marriages. One friend, in particular, has been telling me about how unhappy her marriage is for over 20 years. She's still there. Two of her adult children now have serious problems with alcohol/drugs/mental health issues. I can't help feeling that living in a home full of resentment and conflict has contributed to this in some way (one of the major issues they disagree on - and constantly undermine each other about - is how to parent their children). Her reasons for staying are/were primarily financial, I think, although she also comes from a family where divorce is strongly disapproved of.

It seems to me a tragic waste of a life (well two lives), not to mention the damage done to the children. Being a single parent is hard and exhausting, yes, but to me it's much better than spending your whole life being miserable and perhaps damaging your children into the bargain - life is way too short and children only have one childhood.

I had nowhere to go. I had no money. I had no friends. Literally none. He had isolated me from everyone I had ever been friends with.

I had children to think of. I had no money to get away. It took me years to plan and gather up what I needed. I left in the end but it took too long and it damaged me emotionally. And despite my best efforts damaged my DC. Especially my eldest.

Please don't tell me if I'm saying money is the reason it isn't that bad. That minimises the experience and isn't really fair. Don't judge until you've walked a mile etc etc

username22345 - I've been a single parent twice (two lots of children, many years apart). Absolutely no family support since I was 16 yo. You stand on your own two feet and do what you need to do, for yourself and for your children.

I have an amazing relationship with all my children, it's the most important thing in my life - did the oldest lot miss out on material things when they were small and I was a single parent? Yes. But they always knew they were loved and we spent a huge amount of time together. The youngest lot haven't missed out on anything financially, as I'm a high earner now, but I can't spend as much time with them. I think my oldest lot had the better deal tbh.

I don't think I would have worked so hard or created the career I have now if I hadn't had to go through the process of being a single parent and realising that I really am 'it' - if I didn't look after them (and myself) no one else was going to do it.

sometimes I think it is very hard for men, as welly says, the not seeing the children part that is. If they are decent and want to see their kids a lot then that can be difficult.
I have one (male) friend who's OH threatens to take the children away from him every time they try and discuss it, and I guess he thinks it's worth staying for the foreseeable, if only to have that relationship with them. whether she would do it or not, I don't know. but the fear keeps him there.
I know money is a huge issue, that was my reason my mother gave, but I had so many friends at school who were happier and poorer than me. I longed to have a happy home. I barely see either of my parents now because our relationship was so damaged by the resentment that seeped into every aspect of our home.
My best friends thinks her kids are fine, maybe she's right. But the way her husband treats her is so heartbreaking I can't see how it won't affect them in the future.