Friends of the opposite sex!

[Nameswitch101]

I've name changed as my partner knows my usual user name.
Not really sure where to start and I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I'm very confused and can't talk to anyone in real life.

I've been with my dp almost four years and we have one dc, we're relatively young and dc was unplanned.

A few months ago I made friends with a dad at a baby group, we were both at a bit of a loss and not fitting in with the other mums and got chatting. He's a fair bit older than me, but we have a lot of similar shared intrests and we hit it off. All completely platonic, I told dp about him the same evening and I wasn't in the slightest attracted to him.

Since then we've become good friends, we meet with our dc a few times a week. He's met my dp, I've met his wife, all good. We added each other on social media and message each other, generally to sort out meeting with dc, and general stuff.

Just recently though, over the last few weeks really. We've been messaging a lot more, nothing untoward or anything I wouldn't be ok with my dp seeing. I look forward to it though, if I've messaged him I'm waiting for his reply, if I see a message from him, I get that fluttery excited feeling you get when you first start seeing someone.

Where as at first I wouldn't have said he was attractive at all, and he's really not my type. The more time I spend with him, the more attractive he seems. I know that's probably just because we get on, but I've got other male friends and never felt like that about them.

I'm confused and unsure about what I'm feeling. I honestly would have put him in the category of a completely safe friend as he's just so not my type.

Now I'm not so sure, and don't know if I should speak to my dp about it or to him or just try distance myself from him, but he is a good friend and I don't have any parent friends really.

Have you met his wife? Spend time with her at all?
If not she is probably adding you on social media because she's noticed her husbands recent attachment to his phone and is uneasy about it. Keep your friends close and all that.

I think if he's the kind of guy you'd sleep with "only if you were single" and you get "fluttery feelings" when he messages you it's not a good idea to remain friends.
I have male friends who I can see are good looking but have never ever had "fluttery feelings" when they message me.
I can also pick out 100 of their flaws that drive me a bit potty and could never be with them. In fact find myself worrying for their poor wives/girlfriends sanity some times!

I did think it might be a good idea to tell him dp has expressed concern over the amount we message

Op you are already knee deep in the script, you really are. You know it and anyone here who recognizes the signs knows it too. The only reason you would mention this would be to throw it out there as a tester. All unspoken emotional affairs have this moment of conversation that acknowledges something is going on. All of them.

Are you bored? Do you feel that your partner doesn't pay much attention to you? Because it's really telling that you have considered telling your partner. That's just going to create a whole load of needless drama that on some level is appealing to you, or you wouldn't consider it.

Yes I've met his wife, he was quite keen for me to do so early on and I did think that was probably her wanting to meet me. I'm like that with my other male friends Chamonix and he's not good looking (or not my type of good looking) and he's older, much older than I'd consider dating, so until recently I never once thought of him like that!

It's not about drama Rogue or attention. Me and my boyfriend always agree to tell each other things, he tends to get a fair few messages from other women due to a hobby and he always informs me, we don't keep things from each other.
The only reason I haven't told him already, is that it will bring up the parenting issue and I feel bad as I know he's trying really hard with that and I don't want to upset him.

Well, if it was that she wanted to meet you it's probably not because she was really excited about his new female friend, I should imagine she was checking out what sort of person she thinks you are, how her DH is around you and whether she thinks she needs to be worried. If that's the only time you've met and she's now added you on two social media sights she is probably worried- and rightly so.
It's a shame you can't just be close mates, but the fact you've developed these feelings for him means you can't. You obviously can do this with other male friends as you've said, which makes this man an exception and therefore not a viable friendship.
Sucks but it doesn't matter if he's normally your type, if you've husbands better looking, if he's older if he has 2 noses you are attracted to him and are getting emotionally involved (hence the fluttery feelings) id offend him if necessary and just cut contact if he keeps messaging.
iPhones have a wonderful blocking feature if you have one of those. Can also block emails of hotmail and instagram too, if that is what it comes to in order to stop this progressing and therefor save your marriage, do it.
If that's what you want.

Thanks Chamonix I think you're right! I'm still going to need to speak to my partner though, he's going to notice me stopping contact.

Surely there is a middle ground though - being friends but not good friends if you're straying into EA territory? Has anyone ever managed this?

While I do agree with many PPs I do wonder how practical some of the NC advice on some of these threads is.

OP, it seems to me you're being very proactive about doing the right thing.

I'd honestly not tell your partner.
I'd rather say he's busy at the moment and you'll see him at babygroup.
Don't think telling him will gain much, for either of you.

Boogie- if OP could just do idle chit chat about babies and dirty nappies at baby group with this man she wouldn't be getting fluttery feelings over this bloke in the first place and worrying about how her partner would feel about it all.
I'd always advise to just stay Casual friends but I don't think this is going to happen somehow.

I will still seem him at the groups we both attend and will obviously say hi etc. I'm hoping if I just stop any extra chatting, going for coffee and the messaging, it will be ok.

I'm torn on the telling my partner, as we've always agreed to be open about anything like this and has a result neither of us have ever felt jealous or questioned nights out, weekends away with friends etc. He's also doing some work for the friend in a few weeks and I'll be worrying that he'll mention me not meeting up anymore. If he questions me about it I can't lie and then he'd be annoyed I'd not told him straight away!

Just wanted to say a thanks for the advice. I know most people thought telling my partner wasn't the best idea, but I think speaking about it, made me realise the one person I did need to tell was him.

We spoke last night and he was really lovely about it, if also finding it a bit funny!
We both agree that maybe being at home 5 days with a baby isn't for me. I'm due to go to uni in September anyway, but have discussed a few things I could look at doing between now and then.

I feel so much better about it now and think realistically it's far less about my friend than it is about me being a bit bored. I feel bad admitting that, as being home with baby is what a lot of mums really want and I do love my time with her, I just think I need something more too!!

I think it's good that your DH is aware.

You really need to cut all contact and change baby groups for sure.

I feel so much better now my dp knows loveyoutothemoon
I'm not planning on stopping the groups though, it's only two mornings a week.
I'm going to reduce the extra contact and the messaging.

That's good. What exactly did you tell him?

I just told him, I was feeling confused and pretty much what I'd put in my first post, about how I feel about the messages and stuff.

At first he was just like 'really, are you joking!!'
Then he asked if he could look at my phone, which I said was fine. Asked if anything had happened which it hasn't.

Then we talked through quite a few things and what I/we would do about it now.

Your partner sounds lovely. Really supportive and thoughtful. You've handled this really well I think.

He's pretty great to be fair Dogmatix34

I just saw this thread, god the hysteria on here sometimes is overwhelming.

Op, I had a similar situation with a friend. A good friend of mine who is gay, I found myself fancying him.

I told DH and for whatever reason, that helped me put the silliness aside. I am still good friends now and those silly feelings have gone. DH helped me realise what I fancied was the fun and carefree nature of the friendship- something DH and I had lost a bit since having DS... so actually talking to him was the best thing I could have done.

Jesus you'd think you two were swinging from the chandeliers the way some people on here responded!

Thanks LondonStill I'm feeling a bit silly since telling my partner to be honest and he's find it quite amusing to tease me about it!

As I said now it's out in the open, I've realised it's really not about my friend at all.