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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Friends of the opposite sex!

68 replies

Nameswitch101 · 17/04/2017 18:08

I've name changed as my partner knows my usual user name.
Not really sure where to start and I'm not sure what I'm looking for, but I'm very confused and can't talk to anyone in real life.

I've been with my dp almost four years and we have one dc, we're relatively young and dc was unplanned.

A few months ago I made friends with a dad at a baby group, we were both at a bit of a loss and not fitting in with the other mums and got chatting. He's a fair bit older than me, but we have a lot of similar shared intrests and we hit it off. All completely platonic, I told dp about him the same evening and I wasn't in the slightest attracted to him.

Since then we've become good friends, we meet with our dc a few times a week. He's met my dp, I've met his wife, all good. We added each other on social media and message each other, generally to sort out meeting with dc, and general stuff.

Just recently though, over the last few weeks really. We've been messaging a lot more, nothing untoward or anything I wouldn't be ok with my dp seeing. I look forward to it though, if I've messaged him I'm waiting for his reply, if I see a message from him, I get that fluttery excited feeling you get when you first start seeing someone.

Where as at first I wouldn't have said he was attractive at all, and he's really not my type. The more time I spend with him, the more attractive he seems. I know that's probably just because we get on, but I've got other male friends and never felt like that about them.

I'm confused and unsure about what I'm feeling. I honestly would have put him in the category of a completely safe friend as he's just so not my type.

Now I'm not so sure, and don't know if I should speak to my dp about it or to him or just try distance myself from him, but he is a good friend and I don't have any parent friends really.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 18:51

You could distance yourself if you wanted to

You just don't want to

He's sent 4 messages today alone ? I would say a line has already crossed and you are in denial.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 20:21

I don't think my partner would be keen on that Cricrichan but thanks.

I don't want to no Any
I don't want to feel like this either though. I just want to be friends like we started out.
I haven't replied to any of his messages today.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 20:24

Too late to go back to the beginning I am afraid

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 20:28

I know I shouldn't blame my boyfriend Sandy but I'm unsure what I should say. I haven't replied to any messages today and he's sent a whatsapp and a message on instagram asking if everything is ok!

I know it seems like a cop out, but I'm really bad at ignoring people. Its why I always end up talking to the lonley old person on the bus or the slightly odd people on a night out!

OP posts:
Chamonix1 · 18/04/2017 20:35

Can you not just say "everything fine; had a really busy day! I'll message you when I've got a spare day to catch up, see you soon Smile"

He sounds very full on.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 20:57

Yes I'll message something like that Chamonix he is quite full on and I don't really like in boyfriends! I should probably try focusing on his negative points, maybe that will stop my silliness!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 20:59

Ignoring his messages is ramping up the drama. Bit you know that.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 21:06

So do I tell him to stop Any
If I reply he replies and we end up engaged in a conversation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 21:12

Or am I best just telling my boyfriend?

OP posts:
WannaBe · 18/04/2017 21:32

OP, reality here is that you have developed feelings for this bloke. The fact he's text you four times today is not overstepping a boundary, it wouldn't be if it was a woman, and it's potentially not just because it's a man and the messages are general chit chat. However, because you have developed feelings for him you need to take a step back before you do overstep a boundary.

It's hard. Having a newborn is isolating, and baby groups can be incredibly cliquey. And while it really is hard to make mummy friends, the downside to making mummy friends is that as a rule, the only thing you have in common with these people is the fact that you have children who happen to be the same age. And there invariably comes a point where you realise that actually you're not so much friends with these people as attached to them based on a common link.

With this in mind, and given you haven't found the baby groups very engaging anyway, could you find a different activity to do with your baby which will take you away from the baby groups?

There is no way to step back from this bloke without needing to make an issue of it. So I would suggest that you instead find something different to do with your time with your baby and use that as a reason to disengage. Just tell him that you've decided that the baby groups aren't for you (that's not a lie) and you've decided to do something else instead, but that you wish him well, and assume he'll be going back to work soon anyway.

Then walk away and don't give him any more thought.

Cutting contact/stopping responding to texts/having a conversation with your DP are all going to put the emphasis on your feelings at some point. This way the feelings don't actually need to be addressed, and you can all just move forward in different directions.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 22:00

I like the groups though and think dd benefits from them too, I just don't seem to make friends at them.
If I do say I'm not going anymore, I think he'll suggest we do the other things together anyway, we sometimes just meet at the park or for coffee.
I think he's struggling to make friend too, as all of his are at work through the day.

I do other things too, but I've five days to fill. This weeks not too bad as I've got friends home from uni, but other wise the only people home through the day are my grandparents!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 22:25

You could cool it off if you wanted to

Someone upthread showed how it is possible to be polite but evasive and then just keep doing it. You don't owe him anything.

AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 22:27

Don't you think it is significant that you have forgotten how to fill your time when you are not seeing him ? How do you think your partner would feel if he knew that ?

You are already having an emotional affair

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 22:37

Its not that I've forgotten what I did before I met him, it's that I didn't do anything before.
My partner is glad I've made a parent friend, he's encouraging of me meeting him.

Until very recently it's really been no different to if I had a mum friend. I'm not sure why my feelings have suddenly changed, but I don't think he's aware at all!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 22:41

Tut tut

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 22:50

Not sure what the tut is for Any.
I'm not saying how I'm feeling is right, but I don't think I've broken any relationship rules and I'm certain I'm not having an emotional affair.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/04/2017 22:55

I beg to differ

Cricrichan · 18/04/2017 23:05

Ignoring his messages is silly as if you usually text back he'll be worried and thinking something has happened. Just message him like another poster said that you're busy but will call him another time. Keep things vague and cool off a bit. Join some baby massage/music group like bo jingles/ baby gym/swimming/messy play without him and make an effort to get to know other mums.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 18/04/2017 23:37

CricichanI didn't reply when he sent the messages as it tends to be little things, like what do you think of this....(usually dc related) when I answer he'll message back and we end up having a conversation. I did message him a bit ago, to say I've just been busy today.

They're the type of groups we already do. I do somethings he doesn't as well,

How do you make mum friends though? I'm reasonably confident, and I try being friendly saying hello and asking about their dc, that kind of thing.

I've recently got back into something I did pre dd, but it's one evening and one weekend morning.
Its nice to be doing something for me though.

OP posts:
Thephoneywar · 18/04/2017 23:41

You say it isn't an emotional affair. Then what do you consider him. He's more than an acquaintance, is he just a friend. Is he becoming a good friend or best friend. You're allowed to have a guy best friend that you get on with really well and have an emotional connection with, like you would with a woman.

Do you fancy him. Would you kiss him or be intimate with him, now or in the future?

If not then keep him as a close platonic friend. If you think you could sleep with himy then back away from him to keep your marriage.

JayneAusten · 18/04/2017 23:49

I look forward to it though, if I've messaged him I'm waiting for his reply, if I see a message from him, I get that fluttery excited feeling you get when you first start seeing someone.

This is so very, dangerously close to being an emotional affair. You have a very small child. Just stop and think about what you are doing - to her as well as to your OH - if you let this continue. She and a stable home and your OH matter more than the buzz it gives you when you get a platonic message from this guy. You need to back right off him. The fact he's hounding you for a reply shows that he too is far, far too invested in this (and I know that thought gives you a thrill, too, but honestly this momentary thrill will only boil down to something ugly and painful). You say that you're not the type to have an affair and never would, but you have already crossed lines and boundaries. There isn't necessarily a 'type' that has an affair, but you can get so close to someone that you're messaging them all day. That you'd choose to go and message them rather than be with your DH. Dress up a bit because you're seeing them. Accept a compliment from them. Say something that bigs them up or puts your husband down. Talk jokingly about how you spend so much time together you're like a couple... little lines being crossed all the time until any physical line you cross isn't a huge leap, just the next tiny step.

But when all that buzz is stripped away, you have nothing but a broken and ugly mess of your own creation.

SandyY2K · 19/04/2017 00:24

I heard of an app on the news recently for meeting other parents. You could try that. It was started by two mums on maternity leave, but I can't remember the name of it.

I'm a bit like you OP, in that I hate ignoring messages. But if I feel one of my male friends is messaging a lot, then I throw my husband's name into the conversation to ensure its all on a level.

If they're married, I'll also mention their wife in conversation too. Just in case anyone gets the wrong idea.

Peanutbuttercheese · 19/04/2017 00:40

You get a fluttery feeling ? That's emotional.

I had something similar start with a close male friend, if I had been single Fine but I'm not. I became aware and called it, he became quite shitty about it all. We aren't friends anymore. He knew marriage was in a rough patch at that time.

LockedOutOfMN · 19/04/2017 00:51

It seems like you have a bit of a crush, but you will get over it and might regret it a few weeks if you have acted flirty with him and it affects the friendship.

SandyY2K's advice is sound.

Original poster
Nameswitch101 · 19/04/2017 06:43

I'm not sure Thephoney I have guy friends one of my very best friends in fact, but I've never once felt anything more for him. I'd have said this guy was heading the way og being a good friend, but now I'm not so sure Confused
I don't know about kissing, being intimate as I can't not think of us both being in relationships and I wouldn't do that to my partner or his wife. If we were single, yes maybe.

I'm not choosing him over my partner though, it's not filling anything lacking in my relationship, more in my role as a parent (I'm not sure if I'm making sense!)
We do mention our partners in messages, his wife added me on Facebook and instagram too.

I'll look for that app Sandy I don't think it helps that we are in a relatively small town and so there's not much option for meeting different people, the same mums tend to go to all the groups.

I think that's all it is LockedOut I just want it to stop! I think it's thrown me as I don't ge crushes, other than one teacher in high school, I never have before!

OP posts: