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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm so stupid...

14 replies

Whateverisnext456 · 17/04/2017 17:35

Met my now H 10 years ago, married a couple of years ago. Sold my home so we could buy together. Now looking back wish I had protected my future because I don't think for one minute this is happiness and I'm sure he feels the same which is really sad.
It's his second marriage, my first, he left everything & more to his ExW. I don't feel secure around him, question our future and what that looks like and feel second best to his previous life. I continue over time to find out more and more things he pays for - private health care, insurances etc.
We have nothing which suggests a future together As far as he is concerned if we separate/divorce then we split the home 50/50 which I'm not happy about. I try talking to him, as soon as I mention anything he brings up the subject of divorce which means I don't continue with the conversation. He earns considerably more than I do, I don't have any hope of being able to afford to buy again but strongly believe that's mine and my DS's future. My family strongly believe that if my H dies then his ExW will make a claim on our home etc and I will have absolutely nothing. It's all a mess & I don't know what to do next

OP posts:
KateDaniels2 · 17/04/2017 17:37

Why would your dhs ex have a claim on yoir home together? Does he owe her money?

wherearemymarbles · 17/04/2017 17:46

She has no claim. They are divorced.

If you cant have an adult conversation with him about it then i cant see a future really. Suggest at least getting your finances together and seeing a solicitor so you have some idea about how things might in reality be split. Assume ds is his?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 17/04/2017 17:51

At the very least you both need a will. .

SheldonsSpot · 17/04/2017 17:51

It all sounds a mess. Do you think it's salvageable with counselling - would you consider that? Would he?

If he is divorced then of course his ex wife has no claim on your home? Why are your family interfering and putting ideas like that into your head?

isitjustme2017 · 17/04/2017 18:05

I assume you put more equity into your home together - is that why you don't want to split 50/50? If the house is in joint names with equal share, not sure you can do anything about this.
His ex has no claim on the house so don't worry about that.
I would suggest getting a free 30 mins with a solicitor to really find out exactly where you stand legally!

Original poster
Whateverisnext456 · 17/04/2017 18:31

Stupidly I put all my money into the house, he had no deposit to give. Doesn't seem fair that I split it 50/50 when he has a pension, I don't. He has various shares and saving schemes though his work, no idea how much or what they are worth etc. He earns considerably more than I do. All I want is what is fair. I want nothing more, only what I put in.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 17/04/2017 18:33

What you do next is make an appointment with a solicitor and get proper legal advice. If there is significant disparity in pensions etc, those need to be sorted.

isitjustme2017 · 17/04/2017 18:48

Yes please seek legal advice. I'm no expert but you may be able to claim some of his pension. Its frustrating! I borrowed quite a bit of money from my parents as a deposit on a house for me and dp. We are now splitting (and haven't paid much back yet). Because I made it 50/50 ownership, he could technically take half and not pay my parents back. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

SandyY2K · 17/04/2017 18:53

The problem is him saying divorce to shut you up.

I think you should open a bank account in your own name and start putting some cash aside.

BTW you're entitled to a share of his pension.

You could open a trust fund or similar for your DS and save money that way.

There must be a reason he still feels the need to keep paying for things for her.

Inertia · 17/04/2017 18:57

You need legal advice- it's not up to him how the marital home is split.You're also entitled to a share of his pension. Don't believe what he tells you- he doesn't get to make the decisions.

Whisky2014 · 17/04/2017 19:00

You would get a stake of his pension

Whisky2014 · 17/04/2017 19:01

And if he buys ou out then you use that money as a deposit for your next house.

ptumbi · 17/04/2017 19:31

Get legal advice - you have a child which means you should get at least child maintenance, if not spousal maint as well.
Your deposit should be reflected in the split of the house. You should also be able to stay in the house until the dc are through tertiary education.

Stop talking to him if he just stonewalls you. Get proper advice from someone who knows what they are talking about (not your family!)

ptumbi · 17/04/2017 19:32

And yes you have a claim on his pension. Use it to open on of your own.

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