I messed up - and he's punishing me.

[amyc88]

Hi everyone,

Okay so I'm gonna be totally honest and say, 'I messed up'

Me and my OH wen away on a trip for valentines. The day before I found out I was anemic and pregnant. I spoke to the midwife who told me it was absolutely fine for me to fly. I'd felt a little sick, which is to be expected as I've been pregnant before.

Unfortunately when we came back from our trip, I had a miscarriage. Due to what's happened to me in the past and being left on my own when I lost my baby 2 years ago, I was stupid and panicked and didn't tell my partner or anyone and didn't want to tell him till after the trip once I'd been for a scan, because we both want children. We came back on the Thursday and I came straight home Thursday night which is unlike me, I'd normally stay but I just knew I needed to go home. The early hours of the Friday, it happened. It tore me apart, how moody I was really put pressure on our relationship while we were away. When it happened, I was so scared, I didn't tell anyone, not even my own family or friends. I freaked out and dealt with it alone, it the only way I knew how. I've always dealt with things on my own, And i shouldn't have and it's broken me beyond belief.

Since then I've felt like a failure as a woman, as an expecting mother and as a girlfriend, daughter and friend.

The Friday after it had happened and I was home alone, I kept thinking about how
I can even tell my OH, how could I keep
Something like this from him. He then proceeded that day to text me and tell me how much of a b*h I was while we were away, kept giving me st all day about how I ruined our trip. At this point it had been about 12 hours since I'd lost our baby, my head was well and truly up my a and I couldn't comprehend anything I was feeling. I felt numb.

That night he came round as we were going to see my mum, I was going to tell him that night. While he was getting ready, I looked at his phone, I never have before, something told me to. I'd just lost our baby, f**k knows what was going through my mind. I opened his phone and what did I see...messages to some woman he'd slept with before me, some woman who I've asked him 3 times not to speak to because it upsets me...talking about ME and OUR relationship and how shit things are. She then proceeded to tell him all about her sex party antics and how she's taking whatever she can at these parties...which he didn't seem to dismiss.

At this point, what am I meant to do. I've had a miscarriage and I see messages to some woman who we've had arguments about before. It's been a series of events since the miscarriage, new job, new house, putting the dog down. No time ever felt right, and it slowly ate at me.

I was an idiot and my reasoning behind why I did this was pathetic...about a week ago, i texted a guy I used to go to school with. my confidence and self esteem has been rock bottom. I guess me messaging him was an easy cop out, or a way to justify myself as a woman, to make myself feel desirable again, after what had happened, I felt worthless, through my
Own doing. I've not seen this guy since I was 17. I've not sent a picture, FaceTime, Skype, phone call or anything. It was a few stupid texts that I know I shouldn't have sent. I'm an idiot and I know I've done wrong.

Now, my boyfriend now knows about the miscarriage and the texts.

The strange part about this...he's taking me on the worst emotional rollercoaster ever....

The night all this came out, he wouldn't touch me, come near me, even look at me...but shared a bed with me that night...because, in his words, 'you're a girl that needs me'

Since then I've had onslaughts of abuse. Then the same night he made me my tea and picked me tulips after we'd been for a walk (where he also gave me an onslaught of abuse)

Then he made me my tea again another night. And then proceeded to give me more abuse after I'd taken us out to a museum and got us a coffee...literally as soon as we got our coffees, we were 20 steps outside costa and he started again in my car for a good hour and half.

Then he has sex with me Saturday morning. Doesn't look at me and then when I saw him Saturday night, he told me to my face that he couldn't even look at me while he was having sex me. Then gives me another onslaught of shit and tries to have passIonate sex with me again Saturday night.

Then, to top it all off. He went on a boozy camping stay over last night with his best mate - and ignored me till about an hour ago.

My head is mush, I make a mistake; I had a miscarriage and am being made to feel like I can't even grieve. And like
I've killed someone or cheated on him with his best mate. Like the world revolves around his feelings alone.

I deserve a lot of things, but this is torture. I feel used. Like an emotional punching bag.

Don't engage with his texts. He's making it all about him, absolutely pathetic. He's trying to get you on the back foot about things you've supposedly done wrong, to distract from the fact that he's being a massive cunt! In fact he cheerfully told you he was being one and tried to blame you for that too.

You've had a miscarriage. In a normal non abusive relationship I'd say he may well be feeling very upset too etc but in this case it's irrelevant because of the sheer nastiness he's exhibiting and the total, utter lack of empathy for you.

Regardless of the cheating texts, even regardless of the miscarriage, you shouldn't be putting up with somebody who "proceeded that day to text me and tell me how much of a b*h I was while we were away, kept giving me s**t all day about how I ruined our trip".

No matter how you behaved on the trip or for what reason, only an abusive arsehole would treat their partner that way. Why didn't he ask you what was wrong, instead? Show some love, maybe?

Leave. The. Bastard.

Easy for me to say hun but leave him. Miscarriages are very distressing. Ive had 3, and he should not be giving u abuse like this. You have gone through a awful time your hormones are all over the place and this is his treatment of you he's made it all about himself! I'm not gonna lie hun he sounds like he will turn abusive on you. Verbally and emotionally! He will withold contact and blame you for everything n call you awful names! I would really consider leaving him if this carrys on x

He didn't know I was pregnant on our trip. I didn't tell him, didn't want to until we got home and I had a scan. Then the miscarriage. Then everything else after that

He didn't know I was pregnant on our trip. I didn't tell him, didn't want to until we got home and I had a scan. Then the miscarriage. Then everything else after that

What I'm saying is that that's important to the fact that his behaviour was rude, abusive, disrespectful, and generally just not the way a normal person treats their partner. The fact that he became even worse after finding out you had reason to be upset just makes him even more of a bastard.

You must have extremely low self-esteem if you think you can't do better than this fucko. Please just leave.

Okay - he didn't know you were pregnant. It wasn't clear from your OP if he knew or not, but it makes no difference. He was still obnoxious to you about your trip.

As I said - he now has a stick to beat you with, your M/C.

It will not get better, unless and untill you GET RID!

that that's NOT important, I meant to say! He was a cunt either way!

Amy GET RID, GET RID, GET RID.

what he knew or did not know is really irrelevant. He is a shit of the highest order and you need to leave him now, for the sake of your sanity. Please get real life help to grieve your loss of baby and to escape this utter moron. Do you live together, are you married etc etc?

If you are not married and do not live together then just tell him it is over, have a friend accompany you if you think he will get violent.

If you are married or share a home, ask Women's Aid for advice.

His on again off again, kind comment, cruel comment, cook dinner, be rude, have sex, be offensive, is all calculated to ensure you do not know which way is up. All very useful if you want to keep someone i a state of shock and dependent on you.

He has a text conversation with another women, let him to go to her, or not, as he likes, just look after you. Then you can heal your mind and body and be ready to start a family with a man who is not an utter shit, sound appealing? Trust me, parenting is hard, really hard, you need a partner who is there for you, loves you, and can be depended on. Or you need to go it alone. A man who messes with your head is not what you need.

Just want to reiterate what Greyhound said. 'Giving' you a bit of kindness when you're feeling vulnerable (which should be absolutely standard in a loving relationship anyway), then being abusive, then doing something nice or 'opening up' about his terrible childhood or what have you. It's all a head fuck designed to keep you addicted, unsure of yourself and in constant emotional turmoil.

Amy maybe your 'man' (not going to call him d or p) needs help, BUT he must be the one to get it. You are not in a position to help him. And together you are finding him toxic.

You need time to heal from the loss of your baby, the loss of a beloved pet and all the rest. Please seek some help in real life.

Well I've told him straight that what he did to me isn't okay. Less than a week after your girlfriend tells you that you have a miscarriage and you find texts...and you're already having sex with her then telling her that you couldn't even bare looking at her.

Scum bag. ive done wrong. I sent stupid texts that meant fuck all but I also had a miscarriage! But everything is just 'too much for him to comprehend'

Didn't stop him going away with his best mate last night to get pissed up

Told me he was depressed the other day from all this. Depressed people don't plan trips to get pissed. Depressed people don't drag down the person who's 'made them feel that way'

Fuck me, then tell me you couldn't even look at me. Some MAN he is

Good for you OP. But please try not to engage with him. It's typical that he's now playing the depression card, not that it's a 'card' as such - it's a serious mental illness and I'm not in a position to say anyone is or isn't suffering from it. But in his case it's just another way to try and suck you in and make it all about him. He really does sound absolutely foul and it sounds like you're realising that. Even if he actually is depressed, that has sod all to do with being an abusive shit. It's no excuse, absolutely none. Forget about the texts you sent, they're not even relevant here. He's just using them as a stick to beat you with when he's been equally inappropriate with another woman in addition to treating you like crap. The sex without looking at you thing is sickening . I really hope you're finished with him now. The best 'revenge' you can get, as difficult as it will be, is to sit on your hands and ignore, ignore, ignore any attempts to contact you. He's an attention seeking nasty manchild and it'll drive him bonkers.

Amy are you married? Do you live together? Do you want to stay with him? At the very least you could suggest a break so that you can get your head together.

If he is depressed he needs to see his GP and request a mental health appointment for himself. You cannot fix this for him.

Have suffered from depression, to the point I didn't want to go on, and never have I abused people in my life like that. I wanted to keep my depression to myself, not use it as an excuse to hurt others.

change the locks, throw his stuff out, game over.

This is no way to spend your life.

I wish you the very best.

You keep saying you did something stupid, you sent messages, but only because...

But unless I'm missing something, texting someone you knew in your teens is not wrong, no matter the circumstances!

I'm sorry you lost your baby but this man is not someone you should have a child with. Get out now.

I am worried you will continue to engage with him, to argue with him and try to convince him you are right, and then he'll apologise, and 'have sex with you' and pick you flowers (did he steal them?), until he's reeled you in to be nasty the next time.

Use this anger to leave, not to try and argue with him. Be careful

Totally agree with NotYoda "Use this anger to leave, not to try and argue with him. Be careful"

If you keep communicating all that's going to happen is that you and he are going to go round and round with blame and justification. What's the point of that?

Personally, I think you should dump him. It doesn't sound to me as if he's ready for or committed to your relationship.

But if you aren't 'there' yet, maybe you could suggest to him that the two of you 'back off' and take a 'break' for a couple of weeks. Define the terms (i.e. 'break' as in 'free to see others' or 'break' as in 'together but taking some time apart) and then agree not to contact each other so you can both work out exactly where you are and what you want from a partner.

Then you spend that time thinking about your own life and what you want out of it. And how you feel a true caring man should treat you.

Fuck me, then tell me you couldn't even look at me. Some MAN he is

That's right. So dump him.

An awful lot of women seem to come to MN to rant. They don't appear to take a lot of notice of the advice they are being given. They just come back every time they want to vent, and I've an awful suspicion that it actually helps them to carry on in their miserable relationships.

Please listen to NotYoda's advice. Use your anger to help yourself. Don't accept one more self-pitying word or angry word from this excuse for a man. Your partner is supposed to be a source of love and support - he is not supposed to go to war with you when you are at your most vulnerable. Get rid of him.

My Ex didn't even come to the appointment/hospital when I had a mc and then a later D&C. I was 12 weeks pregnant, and he wouldn't leave work. I was devestated, couldn't show it because it upset him too much to see me upset and he couldn't cope with it.

I went on to have 2 beautiful boys. We split up 10 weeks ago because his emotional abuse worsened. I still love him ironically.

My point is, you don't have children with this twat, he is treating you badly. Your hormones will be all over the place, even if you only knoew for three days. You need kindness and compassion, not worrying about him. Get your strength and go. I told my best friend at the weekend about the mc incident, she was horrified. I never told anyone because it hurt too much. I wish I had mumsnet then (although I wouldn't change my boys for the world). We had some happy times, but essentially the lack of care was always there. Its a sign, a sign he holds his needs much much higher than yours.

Massive hugs, you didn't mess up. No-one has thought that on here.

Why are you with him? Telling him he's treating you badly is treating him like a toddler, who needs to be told how to treat you properly.

If someone treats you this badly, you walk away.

It really is the only sane response.

Drop him. Block him. Never see him again.

He's abusive and using this as an excuse to wind down the relationship, whilst still having the sex. You poor girl. Kick him to the curb now.

There is no good reason to waste another second on this drop kick. The smartest thing you could do is rid yourself of him. Do not see him, text him or otherwise engage. He is not going to change. Any time spent with him or obsessing about him is time ill spent.
Organise yourself into some sort of professional support system. Going back and forth with posters on the internet is not the way forward, in fact, you sound very messed up to even consider this man worthy of thought never mind a relationship. Seriously, you need proper help.