I messed up - and he's punishing me.

[amyc88]

Hi everyone,

Okay so I'm gonna be totally honest and say, 'I messed up'

Me and my OH wen away on a trip for valentines. The day before I found out I was anemic and pregnant. I spoke to the midwife who told me it was absolutely fine for me to fly. I'd felt a little sick, which is to be expected as I've been pregnant before.

Unfortunately when we came back from our trip, I had a miscarriage. Due to what's happened to me in the past and being left on my own when I lost my baby 2 years ago, I was stupid and panicked and didn't tell my partner or anyone and didn't want to tell him till after the trip once I'd been for a scan, because we both want children. We came back on the Thursday and I came straight home Thursday night which is unlike me, I'd normally stay but I just knew I needed to go home. The early hours of the Friday, it happened. It tore me apart, how moody I was really put pressure on our relationship while we were away. When it happened, I was so scared, I didn't tell anyone, not even my own family or friends. I freaked out and dealt with it alone, it the only way I knew how. I've always dealt with things on my own, And i shouldn't have and it's broken me beyond belief.

Since then I've felt like a failure as a woman, as an expecting mother and as a girlfriend, daughter and friend.

The Friday after it had happened and I was home alone, I kept thinking about how
I can even tell my OH, how could I keep
Something like this from him. He then proceeded that day to text me and tell me how much of a b*h I was while we were away, kept giving me st all day about how I ruined our trip. At this point it had been about 12 hours since I'd lost our baby, my head was well and truly up my a and I couldn't comprehend anything I was feeling. I felt numb.

That night he came round as we were going to see my mum, I was going to tell him that night. While he was getting ready, I looked at his phone, I never have before, something told me to. I'd just lost our baby, f**k knows what was going through my mind. I opened his phone and what did I see...messages to some woman he'd slept with before me, some woman who I've asked him 3 times not to speak to because it upsets me...talking about ME and OUR relationship and how shit things are. She then proceeded to tell him all about her sex party antics and how she's taking whatever she can at these parties...which he didn't seem to dismiss.

At this point, what am I meant to do. I've had a miscarriage and I see messages to some woman who we've had arguments about before. It's been a series of events since the miscarriage, new job, new house, putting the dog down. No time ever felt right, and it slowly ate at me.

I was an idiot and my reasoning behind why I did this was pathetic...about a week ago, i texted a guy I used to go to school with. my confidence and self esteem has been rock bottom. I guess me messaging him was an easy cop out, or a way to justify myself as a woman, to make myself feel desirable again, after what had happened, I felt worthless, through my
Own doing. I've not seen this guy since I was 17. I've not sent a picture, FaceTime, Skype, phone call or anything. It was a few stupid texts that I know I shouldn't have sent. I'm an idiot and I know I've done wrong.

Now, my boyfriend now knows about the miscarriage and the texts.

The strange part about this...he's taking me on the worst emotional rollercoaster ever....

The night all this came out, he wouldn't touch me, come near me, even look at me...but shared a bed with me that night...because, in his words, 'you're a girl that needs me'

Since then I've had onslaughts of abuse. Then the same night he made me my tea and picked me tulips after we'd been for a walk (where he also gave me an onslaught of abuse)

Then he made me my tea again another night. And then proceeded to give me more abuse after I'd taken us out to a museum and got us a coffee...literally as soon as we got our coffees, we were 20 steps outside costa and he started again in my car for a good hour and half.

Then he has sex with me Saturday morning. Doesn't look at me and then when I saw him Saturday night, he told me to my face that he couldn't even look at me while he was having sex me. Then gives me another onslaught of shit and tries to have passIonate sex with me again Saturday night.

Then, to top it all off. He went on a boozy camping stay over last night with his best mate - and ignored me till about an hour ago.

My head is mush, I make a mistake; I had a miscarriage and am being made to feel like I can't even grieve. And like
I've killed someone or cheated on him with his best mate. Like the world revolves around his feelings alone.

I deserve a lot of things, but this is torture. I feel used. Like an emotional punching bag.

And op I'm so sorry for your loss. A miscarriage does not make you any less of a woman or mother. A lot of us have been thro miscarriages.

Surround yourself with people who love and care for you. Get support and get rid of this loser.

This isn't fucking okay anymore. He isn't gonna treat me like this!!

^^^ Keep those thoughts and tell him to stay away from you, unless and until he can treat you with love and respect.

People treat you how you let them. Don't let him treat you like crap.

Leave him. This isn't a decent relationship. You'll both be better off away from each other. Best of luck!

Why do you feel like you don't matter? Like your feelings and your wellbeing don't matter?

He should have been understanding and caring towards you - BUT because you found out about his communication with his ex he had a perfect get-out. As long as he makes you feel you did wrong, he gets away with it. This is severe emotional abuse. Please walk away from this horror of a person. You deserve better.

What a horrible mess 😕💐

I am very, very sorry to hear about your miscarriage

Whatever the ins & outs, you need to walk away from him. He's not a good person.

Walk away, be by yourself for a bit. Be your own person, make good friends, get your life on track & find happiness. Then you will find a person who is worthy of sharing your life.

This isn't fucking okay anymore, he isn't gonna treat me like this

He already is treating you like 'this'. There is nothing you can do except decide whether you want to sign up for more of this treatment. Please don't have children with this man. You'll be tied to him for life then. Even if you split you'll have to deal with him due to shared custody and child maintenance while the child is a minor, and at all family events and celebrations (weddings, funerals, birthdays, anniversaries) for the next 50 - 60 years, depending on how old you are. There are so many nice people in this world, spend time with them.

Dump him, block him, leave him to his ex and sex parties. To fix what is wrong with him would need extensive help from a therapist, drugs, and possibly a cattle prod.

Oh my word. Everyone here says this is not ok and it's actually abusive. You have your whole life ahead of you and there are millions of lovely, caring men who also want a family and wouldn't dream of treating you in this way. Get rid of that nasty man sharp and take time for yourself to grieve the loss of your baby.

These are your choices to make, not his.

Why are you with this man? Have some self-respect and leave. Find a man who treats you well and please, please do not have a child with a horrible and abusive man like your current BF.

There's a reason you couldn't tell him what you were going through. You didn't trust him. And not just 'I don't trust him not to contact other woman' but you don't trust him with your deepest feelings, with your vulnerability and with yourself.

You need to trust your feelings and look after yourself. He's not a nice person. Please split with him before you are in the position of having a vulnerable baby with him

I am so sorry about your loss

OP, you need some real life support. You are in no way less of a woman because of having a miscarriage, lots of us have them then go on to have other, healthy pregnancies.

BUT...don't do it with him, he is an abusive arse and you deserve better- ditch him now for your own good. You sound very mixed up, low in confidence and worn down. It's important to talk to people in real life. Start with your GP tomorrow morning.

I'm so sorry about your baby.
It doesn't matter whether you told him on the day or whatever.
He is taking a chance when you are up incredibly upset and vulnerable to be selfish and hurt you even more.
He is most definitely showing you who he is and the future.
My husband was a quiet, poetic sort of boyfriend who adored me. Once I had a stomach pain in a restaurant and asked to leave and left. He was angry because he didn't get food and was shown up. We married, and that part of him has become the whole him.
Please take this warning of a selfish immature man showing you what happens when he is under some stress.
Please make sure you have had a medical/ midwife check.
Please take care of yourself.

You won't get him to agree that he's abusive, because he's abusive.

Can you tell your mum how he has spoken to you?

Op

Have a look at the thread called 'Right Listen Up Everybody' at the top of the list of threads in Relationships

Also, take a look a the Womens Aid website

Also, I have cut and paste this from the Disrespect Nobody website

"Some people think that relationship abuse is just about violence, or physically forcing somebody to do something they don’t want to – but that isn’t true. Abuse can be emotional and verbal, and could escalate to physical or sexual abuse. All types are serious and they’re never OK.

What is emotional abuse?
Some people use emotional abuse to control people. These signs can be more difficult to spot, but could include:
Getting angry when you want to spend time with your friends
Isolating you from friends and family
Threatening to spread rumours about you
Saying things like “If you loved me you would…”
Putting you down all the time, using names like ‘frigid’ or ‘slut’ to control what you do, humiliate you and destroy your self-esteem
Trying to control your life (telling you how to dress, who you hang out with and what you say)
Threatening to harm you or to self–harm if you leave them
Demanding to know where you are all the time
Monitoring your calls and emails, threatening you if you don’t respond instantly
Getting really angry, really quickly
Using force during an argument
Blaming others for their problems or feelings
Being verbally abusive
Using threatening behaviour towards others
Pressuring you to send them nude pictures
If someone is lesbian, gay, bi or transgender and not ‘out’, their partner might threaten to ‘out’ them if they don’t do what they want.

What is physical abuse?
Some people use violence to force someone to do something or threaten to use it to control them. It could include:
Hitting
Punching
Kicking
Slapping
Pushing someone against a wall and refusing to let them go
Holding somebody down

What is sexual abuse?
Forcing someone to do any sexual acts they don’t want to is rape or sexual assault. This kind of abuse can happen in relationships.

I cannot imagine much worse for a woman than the pain of losing a baby. The only appropriate response from a partner is love, cuddles, support and empathy. You taking your time to tell him doesn't change that and, reading between the lines, I suspect you might have done so sooner if he was a different kind of person. He is a cunt, no other word for it. Please realise you deserve do much better for yourself than him.

Hang on, so he thought you we re pregnant for the last 2 months when you weren't?? That's a hell of a deception OP.

I can't imagine how I would react to that

One day you'll look back on this and thank heavens you didn't bring a baby into this relationship.
He is choosing to behave this way. He's showing you his real self, walk away and don't look back.

He doesn't know how to respond? Fuck that.

Send him a text that says "That's ok if you 'don't know how to respond' because I do. The way you have treated me has shown me that you have no respect for me and cannot possibly have any true feelings for me. I'm ending our relationship and I ask that you do not contact me again".

If you have any of his stuff or he has any of yours (that you want back) arrange for it to be dropped with a third party for each of you to retrieve.

You deserve so much more than this insensitive prick.

Whosthemummy

Not like the OP's partner, though, I hope?

OP you must know in your heart that this relationship cannot/will not last -- it's a matter of when not if it will end. I know you are feeling confused/hurt/weak atm but you will feel much better when he is no longer draining you of energy and self esteem. LTB and good luck

Amy I cannot see that you have done anything wrong. Sending texts and whatever to a male friend when in a relationship is not great and this might be the one thing you have done which you may have been able to stop yourself doing, but it is minuscule. But as far as the miscarriage goes you did nothing wrong and you felt unable to tell him because of how he behaved.

Please get some counselling to help deal with this. Please speak to women's aid about how to get out of this abusive relationship.

Please do not go on to try and have children with a man who has treated you like this. You deserve better.

My OH didn't know I was pregnant. I didn't tell him. It was 3 days from me finding out to having a miscarriage.

He says that because it's happened to his exs before. He can't comprehend anything and that's it's not fair on him.

This is all about how he feels. He keeps saying, 'it's YOUR body so how I feel doesn't matter'

It's been a week of emotinal rollercoaster. I had knowledge of being pregnant for 3 fucking days. Didn't even get chance to accept it myself before fucking losing it.

Then the texts...how can I tell me OH I had a miscarriage that morning of the day he's texting some slag.

Honestly, the more I rationalise this, the stronger I'm getting and the less okay I am with his bull shit.

I sent dumb texts. I'm not excusing that, but I've also lost our baby, all be it that I didn't tell him. I was scared. How could I? My head was fucked.

He's just asking me WHY I didn't tell him. And me being scared and being on my own last time and dealing with it the only way I knew how....

It isn't good enough, it's like he wants answers I can't give him!

Thank you to everyone posting. Your words are building up my courage.

*whosthemummy) - she went through the M/C ( and lots else, in the OP), her body, her hormones, her feelings. She has a total right to tell or not tell anyone she likes.

HE tells her that she was 'shit' on their holiday (while, as far as he knew, she was still pregnant with his child) and then she finds texts on his phone, detailing things the woman does at sex parties. He then finds a text or 3 on her phone, and decides that she is a cunt for doing this to him.

He has sex with her as a convenience to himself, she is just a hole.

Poor him, eh?

OP - get angry. Get rid. DO NOT have children with this abusive shit of a man.

X post OP.

He doesn't want answers. He wants to big it up over someone. He has an 'excuse' now, to abuse you, and he likes it.

Don't bother with him.

Please confide in someone in real life too, OP. If you can