How to deal with In-law

[notmywords]

My DH is very close to his Dad. However, I feel that his relationship with him is getting in they way of our relationship, and his relationship with the DCs.

His Dad comes to our house every weekend an often stays for about 4 or 5 hours. They do odd jobs around the house, stays for lunch etc. If DS has a football match on, either I take him, or DH and his Dad do.

Often he comes on a Sunday too for dinner.

My issue is that this is the priority of our weekend. We can never plan anything else for Saturday mornings as that is the routine which cannot be broken. A few weeks ago, DH and DC had dentist appointments and haircuts and his Dad went with them!

Also I feel excluded from their cosy relationship.

I don't have any family so can't do the same thing with mine, and it means I'm often on my own.

He is often just 'hanging out' at our house, sitting in the kitchen reading the paper, which doesn't sound too bad but it means I don't feel relaxed.

Dh says I'm being selfish and unreasonable and his Dad is lonely.

But so am I.

It sounds silly but I want to spend timing hanging out with DH, pottering around the garden etc, working on something together, but feel pushed out.

How do I broach this without seeming like the wicked witch?

"No, your dad isn't lonely. He spends his weekends with you. I am lonely, because you spend most of your free weekend time with your dad. I and the DC are supposed to be your priority in life, but you are prioritizing your dad. And I feel lonely and neglected because of this clear priority. How are you planning to fix this?"

Make him hear you and answer your question.

I'd love it, I'd go out have my haircut , drink coffee, meet friends, go to the cinema, leave then to it

I've tried but I can't seem to make him understand without seeming selfish and unreasonable.

We've been having issues recently. He claims he doesn't feel that I am invested in our relationship anymore.

I've tried explaining that this is the reason but he won't connect the dots. I think he thinks I should be happy just bringing them both cups of tea.

But they're so busy with these other jobs that I have to be around with the DC.

So basically DH gets 6 hours each weekend to do as he pleases with his Dad.

I could insist on the same but then a) I'd be on my own even more and b) we'd have absolutely no time together.

I also feel like we should be spending time with the DC individually too. They are very different and I think they would appreciate time by themselves with one of us.

But there is no room for this.

So, I would like to take DS1 to training so DH can spend time with DS2 and vice versa. But DS2 gets stuck on the X Box whilst DH spends quality time with his Dad.

It seems like a some boundaries need establishing.

It doesn't sound healthy for your fil either. Why doesn't he have his own friends? His own social life?

I don't understand why a grown man, a father himself, can't grasp how important it is for a husband and wife to spend time together and with their dcs alone sometimes.

Can you suggest your fil takes the dcs out somewhere?

He doesn't really have friends of his own.

He's fine looking after the DC in the house but will never take them out anywhere.

He's quite happy to tag along with us for a family day out but would never dream of taking them out by himself.

DH also has a brother who lives nearby. He's the same. Quite happy to pop round to bed fed or have a day out with DH but has never once offered to so much as take the kids to the cinema.

Can you book tickets to go somewhere, just you and the dh/DC? I think you need a really serious chat with your dh and tell him you don't want every weekend to follow this tedious routine.

I've tried that but it doesn't work.

Either DH says I'm being awkward, or it happens for a week and then goes back to normal.

I thought DS having football would help but FIL just tags along.

It sounds petty but I would like DH and I to go and watch him together as a couple. DH doesn't see a problem with his Dad being there too and says I'm being mean.

If we do anything, FIL wants to come and watch!

It's DS next month. I'd like a relaxed breakfast at home and his party is in the afternoon. It's an activity party (rather than village hall & games etc).

FIL has already invited himself along and I know he will expect to turn up as usual in the morning (as it's a Saturday).

I don't think six hours per week is bad at all. It's his father, your children's grandfather and they all benefit from this time together - emotionally and socially.

I don't understand why you can't entertain yourself for three of those hours at least. Tell dh you are going to take up a weekend hobby.

I know some people on here would find it intrusive but it's not like he's doing a six hour hobby or pub trip every weekend.

I think my issue is the routine and regularity rather than the length of time.

So - I would like to start my weekend relaxing at home, reading the paper, pottering, but no sooner am I out of my pyjamas (and sometimes before) there he is.

I used to take the DC to their swimming lessons on a Saturday morning so it wasn't a problem, but now it is.

Also I can't take up a hobby because I'm allegedly in charge of the DC unless FIL decides he wants to watch DC2, in which case they decide to go instead of me.

At it's not always 6 hours. Sometimes it's Sundays too!

I wouldn't actually mind if he was out of the house for 6 hours every weekend.

At least then I'd be able to just mooch about.

This would drive me freaking nuts!!! Yanbu for the love of god I feel your pain.

Thanks mrsJC at least I'm not the only one!

Its having your house invaded. I had a problem with my BIL and SIL doing this, every Sat night they would come and invade my house with a toddler until 10pm when all I wanted to do was eat curry and watch crapola on tv in my curry pants.
It took me to get to 39 weeks pregnant until I lost my shit about it. I had to speak to them both myself and it turned out fine, they didn't take offence and keep visits to a Sunday morning for an hour every 3 weeks or so.
Nothing worse than a regular home invasion, especially when it's not even your own family.

Maybe if it was just one day per weekend, that would be OK, or it wasn't the same time every week.

I try to be subtle but it doesn't work.

Last week DH invited him round on Sunday for dinner

DH: do you want to come around 4?

Me: actually I would like to go out for the day so we can eat later. Do you want to come at 6:30?

FIL: OK, I'll be here at 5ish.

So, some in-law equivalents for 'no is a complete sentence' would be good.

Your DH is the issue here, he's not prioritising you and your kids. You need to have it out with him. It's nuts that his Dad spends that amount of time at your house. Good luck

I hope someone can come on here and help you a bit more but my one bit of advice is to never say "do you want to ...........?"

Say, "so come round at 6.30".

Do you have mutual friends or someone who your dh likes and trusts, who you could talk to about this and who could put your point of view across? He isn't believing you about the problem this is causing you or your marriage. Do try again in plain and simply language for him!

I would do as bigchris suggested and take yourself off for coffees etc Ignore the fact that they are "too busy with their jobs". They'll have to get unbusy with them! Just say with a smile "I'm just popping out for an hour" and go off and relax for a bit.

It would drive me mad to have so much of my weekend invaded! It doesn't sound like the situation will change so get a bit of you time out of it.

Also, it might make your dh start to rethink if he realises that every time his dad comes round it no longer means he gets to switch off and check out of the family.

I actually think they sound like they have a wonderful relationship, I would love that with my Dad but I appreciate that is easy for me to say. I think you should try for a compromise here, explain its too much and he can't have it both ways that his Dad is there but you also need to be so suggest you agree to four hour visits, you'll pass peasantries for 30 mins before he leaves and after he arrives and then you go out for three hours by yourself OR he agrees to every second week visits as they are. Either of those options are a fair compromise.

Where is mil?

MIL is dead, as are both my parents.

So I completely get why he wants to spend time with him, and I genuinely don't begrudge it.

I would love that with my parents too.

But I'm lonely and I don't feel like I have my own family. I feel like I'm a visitor in theirs.

I think it sounds like a lovely relationship. They are obviously just after the company if he goes along to hairdressers and dentists , its sweet (you would have to pay me to go to the dentist with my dh unless I was needed for something) I think you need to work out what it is that gets to you the most. It sounds like you need a 'no arriving before 10am or similar ' rule so you can have your morning, and some time with your dh. Maybe going for a walk? Also being more clear eg with the arrive at 6:30 example. If you were more assertive about these few points I think the whole thing would bother you less. Talk to your dh about this, make sure you sound reasonable. If you feel lonely, please try and imagine how dfil feels.