How to deal with In-law

[notmywords]

My DH is very close to his Dad. However, I feel that his relationship with him is getting in they way of our relationship, and his relationship with the DCs.

His Dad comes to our house every weekend an often stays for about 4 or 5 hours. They do odd jobs around the house, stays for lunch etc. If DS has a football match on, either I take him, or DH and his Dad do.

Often he comes on a Sunday too for dinner.

My issue is that this is the priority of our weekend. We can never plan anything else for Saturday mornings as that is the routine which cannot be broken. A few weeks ago, DH and DC had dentist appointments and haircuts and his Dad went with them!

Also I feel excluded from their cosy relationship.

I don't have any family so can't do the same thing with mine, and it means I'm often on my own.

He is often just 'hanging out' at our house, sitting in the kitchen reading the paper, which doesn't sound too bad but it means I don't feel relaxed.

Dh says I'm being selfish and unreasonable and his Dad is lonely.

But so am I.

It sounds silly but I want to spend timing hanging out with DH, pottering around the garden etc, working on something together, but feel pushed out.

How do I broach this without seeming like the wicked witch?

Your DH is prioritizing the wrong relationship. He needs to prioritize you and his children.

Why doesn't your husband go to FIL occasionally? Your DH does seem to prioritise his relationship with FIL over his children. Please tell me that DH makes the roast dinner? In any case, my DH wouldn't ask anyone without checking first and neither would I. I would want to be supportive but would hate the routine of this. Mayb DH and Fil could take the DC out?

Did you/your dh work long hours that means you don't see much of each other midweek?

What age is fil?

This is so hard, I can actually see both sides here. I know I'll be like your dh with my Dad when my mam dies . But neither of you are being totally unfair and that's why I think compromise is key here

I think the things that get to me most are

• they have conversations that exclude me. So they are really into cars and that is all they talk about. And that's all they talk about to the DC too. I have zero interest so there is this whole dialogue going on in my house that I literally have no part of. If I walk into the kitchen and ask DH something, FIL will just carry on talking as if iI'm not there

• I have no say in it. I can't arrange anything as his visit is the priority for the weekend. So we can't do anything else until about 2pm,we're just hanging around, at which point DH then gets very twitchy and impatient because 'we are wasting the day'

• I don't get the equivalent time because I don't have anyone to do that with and also that would take up even more of the weekend.

• it sounds stupid but it is really damaging our relationship. I think it's really important that a couple achieves things together, even if that's just fixing something or tidying the kitchen, or just pottering. He has that 'couple' thing with his Dad but not with me. When his Dad isn't there he never just wants to hang out, he always wants to go out somewhere. It feels all back to front.

• I think it is damaging his relationship with the DC. Although they adore FIL they rarely get time with just DH.

DH had the day off this week while I was at work. He took the DC out for the day but invited FIL along too.

He's also often taken time out during the week to help his Dad out with stuff (car related) but has never so much as met me for lunch, despite me frequently suggesting it.

He also bought his Dad a better Easter Egg than me, although I can see now that I'm being childish!

I'm torn as it's clear his dad is lonely after his wife died and he probably looks forward to watching your son play football all week. Does it really matter if he's there for things like that? It's not like it's something only parents do together. I often see grandads watching my sons team and wish my own dad could but he lives too far away.

As it is affecting you then you should speak to your husband and see if he's willing to ask his dad to maybe only come one day a weekend. He might find that hard though knowing he's lonely. Family aren't around forever and it's nice your husband has a good relationship with his dad. But he needs to take into account your feelings too.

I really don't think it's an issue though him inviting his dad on a day out when you're at work. Why wouldn't he want his dad coming along too on a day trip with his grandchildren? I underhand your frustration but I think some of your feeings are a bit petty. This is normal behaviour for a parent to invite a grandparent along on a day trip in school holidays

Yanbu! It's not on that he's there every weekend. I wouldn't do that to my kids, I'd give them some space and family time. Also, it's crap that they don't even look after the kids when he's there so you don't get to relax at the weekends either. I'd make plans every week and make it clear that whilst his dad is welcome, that there's no way you're going to continue accepting him turning up sat and sun every week and you get left with all the childcare! Tell him that if he continues like this then he'll be seeing his dad all he wants because you're leaving him!

He claims he doesn't feel that I am invested in our relationship anymore

Well there are only meant to be TWO people in a marriage - but your H has introdcued a 3rd party as a permanent fixture' into your marriage!

Have you pointed out to him that he is projecting onto you?
How can YOU invest more into your relationship if he is physically/mentally/emotionally absent from your family unit?

I think your husband uses his dad as a means of avoiding doing any childcare himself - he seems to think that's YOUR job or his dad's.
Ditto with wanting to go out instead of hanging out at home - he relies on you and the activity to avoid doing any direct childcare.

It sounds to me like it's HIM who wants out of this marriage - which is why he DELIBERATELY doesn't spend time with you or the kids.

for the next month or so i suggest you go out soon as fil arrives on a weekend.
There's plenty you can do on your own - museums, theatre, spa, window shopping, taking up a hobby, seeing a solicitor.....
Leave them to it.....

I know some of my feelings are petty but I think it's the cumulative effect.

So him going on a day out with them is fine, but my children need to spend time alone with DH too. They rarely get it, and his Dad usually is the focus.

Similarly with the football matches. Obviously it's fine if he wants to watch but he becomes the focus. So either DH & his Dad take him or, if I want to watch to, I take DS in time for practice and DH & FIL rock up for kick off, then stand talking to each other whilst I talk to all the other parents.

Similarly with birthday parties. DH will 'look after' his Dad whilst I'm being sociable with everyone else.

I have said to DH that I don't think he enjoys my company anymore and is using his Dad to paper that over because it's more convenient for him if we stay married.

However he always says that it is not true and I am being selfish.