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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What the fuck do I do now?

56 replies

SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 17/04/2017 09:14

DP threw a meltdown last night. A tiny row after a few glasses of wine escalated into him pushing me, and smashing glasses all over the kitchen. Our 1 year old DD was asleep upstairs at the time. He's never done this before but I know the advice I would give to anyone is to get out.
The question is how?! My family are 5 hours away. I don't have a car, and am a SAHM so completely dependent on him financialy. This was fine when we were in a happy relationship but obviously now is a huge issue.
We have a joint mortgage, and aside from being a massive dickhead last night is a great dad so I don't feel like it's okay to take his daughter far away.
So how do I get out? I'm pretty much maxed out on my overdraft, so don't even have a back up plan for a rent deposit, travel, things for DD. I feel so stupid.

OP posts:
PastaOfMuppets · 17/04/2017 12:02

I think it's his responsibility to admit what he's done and make arrangements, but if he told you to get out (of the bedroom, or the house?), maybe you'll have to.
Could you call both your sets of parents to let them know what's happened, explain that you have your and your DD's safety and wellbeing to worry about now, and while talking to his DPs let them know also that they need to come and get him out of the house as he isn't remorseful, you are unsure if he is still feeling violent, and you need backup? If they say they think it's not their business call the cops.

twisterinyogapants · 17/04/2017 12:10

Could you stay at his parents until your could get you tomorrow?

neonrainbow · 17/04/2017 12:14

Report him to the police to protect yourself down the line. Everyone deserves to know he assaulted you.

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 17/04/2017 16:29

Thank you so much everyone.
Rang his dad who was here in under an hour (usually 1h 20 drive!) because he wanted to see things first hand. I packed DPs things and he's gone to his parents for the week.
But before he left, DP apologised to me and to his parents, which was surprising. He looked visibly shaken from his outburst and had obviously been crying. He also cleared up all the mess before he went, and when he said bye to DD, he promised he will get help for his obvious underlying anger and can't let her down.
I don't know where it leads for our relationship but I'm so grateful (and surprised!) for his dad's reaction. A week apart gives me a lot of time to think and make some new plans.
Thanks again all of you for the support and advice.

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 17/04/2017 16:42

Well done op - you've taken the right first steps here. And well done to fil!

Imi22sleeping · 17/04/2017 16:56

My best friends dad once threw a wine bottle at her head. Total isolated incident and totaly out.od characyer. He had a nervous breakdown days later maybe he is ill?

twisterinyogapants · 17/04/2017 16:57

Well done OP sounds like your FIL is a good man even if your H isn't.

RueDeDay · 17/04/2017 18:58

Surprising how they only start showing remorse once they start feeling the consequences Hmm

Well done, SnackSnack. You have done yourself and your DD proud over the last couple of days.

ohfourfoxache · 17/04/2017 19:28

Snack you have done amazingly well. Your thread reads like a "this is what you should do" instruction leaflet- you've taken all the right steps to keep you and your dd safe.

Wishing you peace and strength Thanks

BillyButtfuck · 17/04/2017 19:39

You're truly a super star, I appreciate your daughter is far too young to understand but you're setting such a great example to her and us Star

SandyY2K · 17/04/2017 20:12

It's really good to see parents not blindly supporting their adult children.

Your FIL sounds like a good man. Sometimes that at least gives some hope that things can improve and he'll see sense.

Polkadot1974 · 17/04/2017 20:42

I've no experience here but well done

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 17/04/2017 20:59

I bloody love mumsnet. Thank you all so much!
I'm sitting in our empty house feeling really sad about how our life has just turned out, 7 years just up in flames :( but reading all your responses reminds me that I've done the right thing.

I refuse to raise our daughter in a violent home, I've always said one time is once too many and just need to take my own advice... Which is much harder in practice! I hope when she grows up she'll realise why I've had to do this, even though it's devastating right now.
Off to the job centre tomorrow for the next step of making my baby proud!

OP posts:
summerfling · 17/04/2017 21:00

Given the fact that this is out of character, you will always wonder when he's going to do it again.

Darbs76 · 17/04/2017 21:30

It's definitely much harder in practice. His parents have acted totally responsibly clearly worried for you and DD, and their son. It's up to you I guess how you go from here, whether or not you think it's not possible to move forward. He clearly needs some anger management and perhaps he has some underlying depression, men are good at hiding things. Either way you've 100% done the right thing, you've shown him you are not standing for his behaviour and rightly so. Well done

kaitlinktm · 17/04/2017 21:36

Yes - he was remorseful when his Dad arrived, but I can't help remembering how he told you to get out when you went into (I presume) your own bedroom this morning. Only remorseful when he was called to account I'll bet.

Notthemessiah · 17/04/2017 22:10

Only you know the full circumstances here and I know that a lot of people on here have a zero tolerance policy for usually very good reasons, but for me everything would depend on one thing - when he pushed you, was he trying to hurt you? Was this a drunken argument where you were both having a go at each other and he pushed you away or was he full on ranting at you, knowing you were scared and yet not caring, then shoving you to hurt you or to win the argument through physical force?

If the latter then leaving him is the right thing to do - once you are afraid of the person you are supposed to love then that relationship is over.

The former, for me anyway, would need more consideration before ending things then and there.

Wish you and your DD all the best for the future, whatever happens.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 17/04/2017 22:39

Listen carefully. You are doing the right thing, although it's hard, but there's one thing you said that's not right: "he looked visibly shaken from his outburst."

No no no! He was quite cool with his outburst until he saw what the consequences were!

It was hard enough doing the right thing when he was lazing in bed and coolly bossing you around. Now he's likely to make it as difficult as he can for you to do what you decided to do. I think it is very unlikely that you will get much space to think this week at all.

And please don't listen to people who try to write this off. Most people manage to live their whole lives without taking out a minor row on half their glassware! Any time he talks about anger management Hmm Hmm, remember how he spoke to you, mid-morning the next day. There is absolutely no explaining that away, so if you confront him with that he will most likely deflect and distract so that you forget how that felt. Don't forget.

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 18/04/2017 08:13

Kaitlin and Charlotte you're exactly right. His first reaction was to get rid of me yesterday morning, rather than face up to what he's done, and I'm going to remember that. He was also happy to hide away for hours while I got up with the baby, did breakfast and kept everything normal for her, so falling down in the dad stakes all the time.
He just Skyped to say morning to DD (he works away a lot so thankfully this is quite normal for her) and apologised to me again. Obviously we'll be in contact for her sake this week but he said he'll give me the space I need to think and the ball is in my court. Apparently he has a GP appointment this afternoon to talk about his outburst and his next steps... He says even if it's not enough to save our relationship he needs to do it for DD which I guess is a good start.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 18/04/2017 08:41

I have RTFT and know OP's DH has gone to his parents. But I was very struck by this comment by the OP early on: "We argue like I guess anyone does"

Why do people think that? I've had two long term relationships (three years, not living together) and ten years (living together). and I can honestly say that there was only ever one occasion in each where voices were raised (neither at the end of the relationship). I would see it as a huge red flag if arguments were more than very isolated occurrences.

kaitlinktm · 18/04/2017 08:54

I don't think arguments which are quickly resolved are necessarily a bad sign. My ex and I rarely argued - we were together nearly 30 years - but he is still an ex. I think I tried not to argue with him unless it was something extremely important. I thought this was the right thing to do at the time, but now I'm not so sure. He got used to having his own way a lot. I'm not saying that people should blow their tops over the slightest little thing, but there is some middle ground between doing that and being a doormat.

Naicehamshop · 18/04/2017 14:00

I guess it depends on your definition of"argue" Shatner.

It could mean disagree but discuss things in a reasoned way, or it could mean full on screaming fights complete with plate throwing.

Disagreeing and discussing in a reasonably calm way seems healthy to me; better, certainly, than one person biting their comments back all the time because they are frightened of arguing.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 18/04/2017 19:00

Yes, seeking help for DD's sake would be good. It would take the right sort of help and a lot of sustained work, though. Can he even explain what happened to the doctor without minimising it? Does he think of this as an isolated incident, out of character? I don't see how it can be.

I think it would be worth doing some reading up on emotional abuse, OP, to see if there were signs he could behave like this that you didn't see. Unless you've only been together a couple of years, I think it's likely that there were. Personally, I feel uncomfortable with the precarious financial position you are in. I know you said it was a joint decision, but I also know that in unhealthy relationships it's quite possible to persuade yourself you're agreeing with stuff because it's easier than the alternative.

nackle · 18/04/2017 19:15

You poor thing - I can't imagine how frightening it must have
been to be in the middle of the storm while he's smashing the
glassware all over the kitchen.
It comes across to me that he was putting on a theatrical display
of poor me and belated concern to impress his dad.
Wonder if it was his dad who made him see the GP too.
For you, OP. Flowers

Original poster
SnackSnackEatAndCrave · 24/04/2017 16:45

Honestly how are you supposed to tell the difference between someone needing your support and being emotionally manipulative?!
DP came home last night to get sorted for work, and we talked for hours.
He's been to the GP this week and has anti depressants. Someone on his project (he's a civil engineer) had a serious accident at work a while ago and apparently it has left him unable to work, which has affected DP as they are similar ages and stages in their career. I did know about this at the time but didn't realise it had got to him so much. Apparently there is a waiting list for counselling but he's on it, and he's cut out drinking until he's got to the root of his issues. He says he doesn't blame the outburst on this work thing but wants to be honest about his feelings. He also said that no feelings or arguments or alcohol can excuse his reaction and he has scared himself.
I feel like he's telling me the truth. I don't want to excuse his behaviour but it does explain a lot. He hasn't had the motivation or the joy out of life lately like he used to have. I've seen his tablets, so the GP obviously agrees he has issues. The man I knew before last weekend has always been honest with me so I don't see why he would lie now. And he was amazing with me through my PND so I feel like he deserves my love and support now.
But then isn't that all textbook abusive partner behaviour?! He behaves like a dick then comes back with a sob story to win me over until next time. My cynical brain would say he's taking me for a mug. He could just be telling me what to hear so I don't take his baby away.
Seriously, how the fuck do people determine what's abuse and what's a genuine mistake?! Sad

OP posts: