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Original poster

Is it wrong that I don't want to get married?

49 replies

MissJessica · 16/04/2017 22:59

I feel awful - my family think I'm being ridiculous. I've always wanted to have a partner, children, etc.

Which is what I've got. I have a wonderful partner (been together 10 years) and we have a child (who's 2) but recently he brought up marriage. We have spoken about it before, but I said it wasn't that important to me, so he just said okay and that was it. We earn very similar wages (I'm just slightly more).

We go halves with everything (well, we do it by percentage of wages, so it ends up about half, but with me paying ever so slightly more) and we are both happy with this. This means everything... Blush I don't know, I've just always been like this. We have our own bank accounts and each pay into a shared one, again, that's for things we are paying half of, so if I have swimming lessons with our little one, I put half in and he does, so the money comes out of the joint one? It's a bit obsessive, I suppose Blush

Anyway, he is quite keen on marriage now, he says it would be nice to have everything official? My family agree and keep bringing it up to him Hmm but we are happy and yeah, I nice ceremony and honeymoon sounds lovely, I'm not really up for being tied to someone, as much as we are deeply in love, why does marriage change that? Genuine question, what would be the benefits of us getting married now?

OP posts:
justyourstandardusername · 16/04/2017 23:09

Being married increases your security emotionally (for most) and financially also. I feel it makes you more of a unit and a team. But to some it's just a piece of paper. You do what feels right to you, don't do it to please anyone else.

Gileswithachainsaw · 16/04/2017 23:11

I have no desire to get married either. Never have. Never really looked Into security or anything like that.

PastysPrincess · 16/04/2017 23:13

You have more rights if you are married. You both need to have an iron clad will too- whos name is the house etc.

Original poster
MissJessica · 16/04/2017 23:18

The house is in both of our names, never would it only be 1! Our wills are pretty mirrored, due to our child, but we both have strict rules about the money (it goes to our son) but which ever partner is living can draw on that money to purchase things for child, we have both agreed we don't want our money to be able to go towards a future partner (which could potentially happen if married and then died!). Before having our child, I wouldn't have wanted everything to go to him.

OP posts:
kel1493 · 16/04/2017 23:19

It's different for everyone.
For me, I always wanted to get married. Not for financial reasons as we don't have our own home yet or much money. For me it was about feeling more like a family. I wanted his name before our baby was born. We got married the date we'd been together for 11 months, I was 4.5 months pregnant at the time.
For me, that piece of paper made us a family.
But that's just me. If you're happy as you are then there's no need to get married for other people.
I couldn't imagine not being married. But marriage isn't for everyone.

ThreeFish · 16/04/2017 23:21

Benefits of marriage are the next of kin thing, if horrible stuff happens.
You don't need a big wedding and a honeymoon.
But you need to understand financial implications now you have a child, then at least you are making an informed decision.

Original poster
MissJessica · 16/04/2017 23:21

Honestly, I'd never take his name anyway.

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 16/04/2017 23:21

If you have a child and both of you contribute equally financially then being married won't make any difference legally. It won't tie you up any more or less because of it. If you love him and he really wants to get married then i don't see the issue as it won't make any difference to you.

AssassinatedBeauty · 16/04/2017 23:42

No of course it's not wrong to not want to be married. You sound like you've got everything sorted out between you as it stands.

What is it about being "official" appeals to your DP? What does he think will make a difference to him? I'd think I'd like to know more about what exactly is driving the interest in marriage now.

I've been with my DP for more than 15 yrs, we have 2 children and own our home together. I will not be getting married and I've always been up front about it. I would be a bit disappointed if my DP decided it was now important to him because I've always been clear it's not for me.

PsychedelicSheep · 17/04/2017 01:22

In your position, as not just financially independent but the higher earner, I would say no there aren't any benefits to getting married really. I got married in my 20s without really thinking about it much, now I'm divorced in my late 30s and financially solvent there's no way I would consider getting married again. My assets are my children's security for the future, I know no-one ever expects to split up but you never know what's round the corner and I wouldn't want to compromise their security for the sake of something that doesn't mean much to me anyway.

TheNaze73 · 17/04/2017 01:23

Get your will sorted & don't bother with it OP

ferando81 · 17/04/2017 01:33

There is no reason to get married ,but also there is no reason not to get married.If marriage means nothing to you but is important to your partner,then why not?

user1486956786 · 17/04/2017 01:46

I feel the same as you. Marriage and a wedding is just not important to me. A lot of people will not understand it, like a lot don't understand my desire to not have children but if you are happy and know you are living the life you want with the person you want, why change something that is working for you? It's such a nice feeling doing what you want, not doing things because of family/friends/societal pressure.

Curlyone123 · 17/04/2017 02:25

The only thing is that if one of you died then if you are not married then you will not be able to access his pension and you will have to pay inheritance tax on his portion so unless you have a major slush fund you would have to remortgage to pay the tax. You would also get a widow's allowance or something like that. So being married just protects your children financially if one of you dies.

HeadDreamer · 17/04/2017 02:37

I think marriage gives protection in the case of separation. Also inheritance tax. There is also the next of kin issue when you get old and one of you lost the ability to make medical decisions. If you need to move abroad for work it's easier as a married couple. You should think about inheritance tax and that is worth a trip to the registry alone. We had a wedding at the registry with only my parents. We didn't dress up, we didn't have rings or wedding clothes. I didn't take his surname. You don't need to make fuss of it. It's just registering your interests as a family unit in law.

HeadDreamer · 17/04/2017 02:38

And yes to pension. Death in service for both our pensions are paid only to spouses.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 17/04/2017 04:35

If the tables were flipped and you really wanted something and partner didn't what would you feel. I suppose you have to think about how important it is to you not wanting marriage against how important it is he does

If it's not important to you but means a lot to him then why not? If you lose nothing but you gain making him happy

PuellaEstCornelia · 17/04/2017 08:09

You have a child with this man. How can you be less tied to him?

franke · 17/04/2017 08:19

Sounds like it's not for you op. But I would second what others are saying about next of kin. That for me was the clincher.

Runningissimple · 17/04/2017 08:26

I wouldn't get married. It sounds like you've got a good arrangement. As an earlier poster said, if you're both financially independent and you earn slightly more, I can't see why you would complicate that by marriage.

I'm in the middle of a nasty divorce though, so feeling pretty cynical about marriage.

Emboo19 · 17/04/2017 08:40

I'm the same op, only not been with my partner as long.
I've just never felt like I want to marry!

My boyfriend has always said he was fine with that and felt the same, now we've got dd (not planned) he's changing his mind. She has my surname so that's a factor, but he keeps mentioning us being a proper family.

We've sorted wills, pensions, life insurance. The house we live in is his, but I own a property through inheritance, so I've no worries in that regard.

I don't see any reason to do it and I don't want to!
I think I may have to compromise when it comes to having another dc though, as I think he'll say he wants us to marry first!

Puddlet · 17/04/2017 08:41

As you have a 2 year old you probably don't watch much cbbc but you might find it interesting to watch a couple of episodes of 'Marrying mum and dad' in which children arrange their parents wedding. From what I've observed (I have watched far too much!) knowing their parents are married means a huge amount to the children. It's part of their security.

It's also worth thinking a bit about the importance of celebrating the good and joyful things in life and doing that whilst all your parents are still around to join in fully with the day.

Beebeeeight · 17/04/2017 08:42

Don't do it.

You don't want to.

You have good reason to want not to.

ElisavetaFartsonira · 17/04/2017 09:40

Names have nothing to do with it. You can change your name to your partner's or indeed anything else without being married, you can call yourselves whatever you like when you are married.

In your shoes OP, I would simply take legal advice. The main difference marriage makes is that it formalises and makes it harder to opt out of a lot of provisions. So for example, your partner could change his will without telling you and without you being able to do anything about it. Whereas he can't opt out of the provisions of marriage that easily. So it is a tie, but then you're already pretty well tied to him with a child and property.

However, that can be a good or a bad thing depending on where you're sitting. Unmarried cohabitants have a very difficult time challenging wills, but if you think you wouldn't want to anyway, that may not worry you.

I would find out what your DPs reasons are. And your solicitor probably talked to you about this when you did your wills, but also keep an eye on inheritance tax thresholds. Unmarried partners can't inherit their spouses unused allowances, and what you don't want is for the bereaved partner to have to sell the marital home to pay the IHT bill.

SandyY2K · 17/04/2017 09:52

I'm not really up for being tied to
someone

^^^^

If you view marriage as being tied to someone, then it's no surprise you don't want to be married.

Seems like you want a quick getaway if things don't work out.

It's your choice, but depending on how much marriage means to your OH, he might prefer a partner who wants marriage.

Just like when a woman wants marriage and the man doesn't, my advice would be for that woman to leave the relationship.

I see marriage as the ultimate commitment in a relationship, not tied to someone.

Your view is different. Nothing wrong with that.

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