Is it wrong that I don't want to get married?

[MissJessica]

I feel awful - my family think I'm being ridiculous. I've always wanted to have a partner, children, etc.

Which is what I've got. I have a wonderful partner (been together 10 years) and we have a child (who's 2) but recently he brought up marriage. We have spoken about it before, but I said it wasn't that important to me, so he just said okay and that was it. We earn very similar wages (I'm just slightly more).

We go halves with everything (well, we do it by percentage of wages, so it ends up about half, but with me paying ever so slightly more) and we are both happy with this. This means everything... I don't know, I've just always been like this. We have our own bank accounts and each pay into a shared one, again, that's for things we are paying half of, so if I have swimming lessons with our little one, I put half in and he does, so the money comes out of the joint one? It's a bit obsessive, I suppose

Anyway, he is quite keen on marriage now, he says it would be nice to have everything official? My family agree and keep bringing it up to him but we are happy and yeah, I nice ceremony and honeymoon sounds lovely, I'm not really up for being tied to someone, as much as we are deeply in love, why does marriage change that? Genuine question, what would be the benefits of us getting married now?

I think it's up to you. Personally I've never fancied the whole wedding thing but I have a friend whose DP had a catastrophic accident and was on life support. When it came to the end she had no say in what happened because they weren't married but been together 20+ years. His mum got to decide even though my friend disagreed with her. It does give you more legal rights etc. You are then officially next of kin and that does matter. After my friend went through that I asked my ex if we should marry as he'd just got a motorcycle and his parents hated me, he refused to make wills etc (dick). He'd been keen when we first met and I wasn't. He said 'what's the point!' Didn't last much longer after that. Personally in your situation I'd give it some thought more for security etc. You could just do it quietly if you don't fancy a wedding.

I suppose that's where we disagree. I don't believe I should have any rights WRT death/accidents, etc. I think his parents should decide and it's the same for me, my parents should. I wouldn't want that right given to me through marriage.

I'm not really up for being tied to someone

But you have a child together - that's a much more cast-iron tie than marriage isn't it? It's a permanent and non-reversible connection to the child's father for life.

If you don't want to get married then that's completely up to you, although I would argue there are some security benefits to it. But to me it seems a bit strange to say you don't want to be tied to someone when, in my mind, you've already made a commitment far far greater than marriage because you have a child.

If it's of utmost importance to your partner (which is his right), and it's an issue you completely refuse to budge on (which is your right), then I couldn't honestly say where you go from here. If he's OK with not being married then I would suggest you see a solicitor and get both your wills in order ASAP.

We are very happy with our wills. They have recently been changed to explain what I said in previous post

"I don't believe I should have any rights WRT death/accidents, etc. I think his parents should decide and it's the same for me, my parents should. I wouldn't want that right given to me through marriage".

Why not?. As his unmarried partner your legal rights are almost non existent now. In law you are seen as two separate individuals unrelated to one another.

You probably think that as well because this has not happened as yet to you or to anyone within your own social circle.

Sounds like you're sure and as secure as you want to be then. Good on you. Don't be pressured into it if you don't want it

There is no reason why anyone should get married. We did due to family pressure but for DH and I nothing changed. We already had our DT's and financial equality. I did change my name and the DT's were already double barreled. By the time we did get married we already had made the greatest commitment to each by having children. That is far greater than a piece of paper saying you are married.

Typo - Didn't change my name. I was never going to give up my name!

I don't believe I should have any rights WRT death/accidents, etc.

Marriage give you no special rights here anyway. There is no legal definition of "next of kin" in the UK, and married or unmarried you can nominate anyone you want as your next of kin in any given situation.

It's interesting though that you would want your parents making decisions for you in those circumstances. I would guess most people in a long-term co-habiting relationship would feel that their DP would know them best and would be best placed to make decisions on their behalf. Do you not feel that way about your DP?

There's nothing to stop either of you changing your wills without the other knowing.

I would do some checking about what would happen were you to split unmarried vs married. But ultimately it's up to you. As long as you stay in a strong financial position and are able to support yourself and your dc should the worst happen. If you were considering becoming a sahm or reducing your work hours, marriage would be a protection worth having .

Marriage doesn't give you special rights as such, but being married makes it less likely that your parents will be the ones treated as NOK. However if that's what you want OP it sounds like marriage may not be for you.

I feel that having children does give your DP a stronger case for getting married even if just to give you both the extra security. If you were to have another child and one of you became a SAHP then that person would be particularly vulnerable if anything happened to the other, or if they left. Having that marriage certificate just gives you more protection in either of those instances and if your partner wants this for you both I would personally have to have some pretty clear reasons why my desire not to marry trumped his desire to marry, given that you have a child.

But if he feels strongly that he would like to get married, and it's not that important to you, I would consider doing it. You are tied to each other already whatever, so why not?

If you love each other then you'll stay together either way. You don't need to get married if you don't really want to.

He can change his will all he wants. His money would currently go to his son with me being able to draw on it, if he changed it to something else, he can go ahead, I could still financially support myself. I'll also think myself lucky that I wasn't with a liar! I don't think he'd ever change it btw...

I won't ever become a SAHM? I have reduced my hours and I'm part-time, but still earn ever so slightly more.

He isn't that worried about marriage. He just said he'd like it now.

Yes, I do think he could make correct decisions if I died, but quite frankly, my parents brought me up and my mum is my best friend, she knows me better than he does imo, she just does I think... It's a right that they should have. It just my views.

Benefits of marriage are the next of kin thing, if horrible stuff happens

Just seen upthread someone has mentioned that you nominate who you want to be as next of kin so it wouldn't matter if you were married or not.

I don't want to get married more because I have seen how much people spend on divorce as well as the wedding.

Friend got married and divorced 3 years later. After the cost of the wedding and divorce she reckoned the marriage had cost her £1000 per month.

Financially definitely not worth it especially as exh never paid her or their dd a penny in maintenance.

It's fine if you don't want to get married but I'm always a bit when people say that it's not important because it's just a piece of paper. A loo roll is paper and I'd gladly give it to my DP if it makes him happy. A marriage is important, otherwise you wouldn't have a strong feeling against it.

And with a divorce you could easily forget all about your partner but once you have children their other parent will be in your life FOREVER. So you are already tied to your DP.

So do you not want to get married because it sounds old fashioned or is there a financial reason or do you doubt your love will last? All reasons are fine, just be honest with yourself.

Hmm, marriage is important, but that's a very good reason to be aware of the legal implications before making a decision. The problem generally is people not understanding the lack of protections and rights marriage gives them. If OP gets that and prefers it, then I can't see what the issue is?

You can see a list of the legal differences between living together and marriage here.

If you don't have an expectation of ever needing your DP to financially support you, and you are not bothered about the possibility of him disinheriting you, then there probably aren't really any practical benefits to you of being married.

My partner has me as his next of kin, for everything despite us not being married.
We went to see a solicitor who was fantastic and went through every possible scenario, things we'd not thought of, or wanted to...what would happen for instance if something happened to me and our dd, do I want him getting everything, same if something happened to him and our dd, would he still want me to get everything of his!
My will is far more complex, but my boyfriend has just gone for everything being left to me, from decision making to pensions and life insurance.

Are you planning on more dc op?

I know more divorced with children mums who never see their exhs let alone get maintenance from them than I do exhs who see their children. Most are off like a shot.

OP, have you considered what will happen re next of kin once your parents die or if they become too ill to take on that responsibility?

Also if you intend that your partner should benefit under any life insurance policies or pensions you have, and vice versa, you should check whether your providers will accept an unmarried partner as a beneficiary.

FWIW, I had the devil's own job persuading an insurance company to accept my husband as the beneficiary of my life policy, because I hadn't changed my surname to his.

Patty penguin dp is in hospital at the moment and I am down as next of kin

We also have life insurance policies with the other partner as beneficiary. Never had any problems. You can nominated who you like as beneficiary I never even considered there would be a problem

Life insurance policies are normally fine to put down whoever you want, it's when unmarried partners don't list each other that they can run into trouble. You can of course get round this by making sure yours is up to date. People often don't, and people who don't get round to things are often better served by marrying, but it doesn't sound like OP and DP are two of those people.

Agree you'll need to keep reviewing who you want as NOK as your parents get older though OP.