He wants a baby and I'm just not sure... How do I decide what to do?

[violetbunny]

DP and I have been together 4 years. We live together and on the whole are quite happy together. I'm 35 and he is 33.

DP has always been clear that he wanted a child. At the time we got together I thought I did too, although it felt a long way off and I didn't feel remotely ready at the time. Now I still don't feel ready, in fact I feel like it would be a drastic lifestyle change and as I'm quite happy with how my life is now, I'm hesitant to make such a change. I'm also very aware that at 35 I don't have too many years left to decide before nature decides for me.

The issue now is that we've really reached a crossroads in our relationship. He's made it clear that he really wants a child, and that our relationship is unlikely to continue if I decide for good that I don't want one. He is happy to wait some time before trying, he just wants to be sure we are on the same page and agree to try for one in the future. He seems to be holding on to our relationship for now in the hope I'll express an interest in trying, as he says I'm the perfect woman for him apart from this one issue! However, my lack of decision is clearly upsetting him more as time goes by, so we can't continue like this indefinitely. He also seems ok with the fact that we might try and not be successful, he says he just wants us to both be on the same page.

I feel really pressured to make a decision about whether or not to have a baby, which is making me feel even more paralysed to know what to do. I also worry that my commitment issues (which stem from growing up in a family environment of constant arguing and occasional abuse) are clouding my judgment. I am terrified that I will end up in a scenario where he leaves me, I realise I've made a wrong decision and basically lose both him and the opportunity to have a child. However, I also don't want to commit to having a child unless I'm sure I want one.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you know if you wanted a baby or not? I love DP and would be heartbroken if we split over this, but I can't see a way forward. And I am finding it tough to even know how to decide what I want in the face of this pressure.

You say "ultimatum" others say "question"

The "ultimatum" is a fair one. If the OP doesn't want children then she should let him know so that he can find someone that does.

Or should he stay with her on the of chance and become resentful later on?

Offred, the commitment issues stem from my childhood. My father was both emotionally and physically abusive towards my mother and I. I grew up with them constantly arguing (and on one memorable occasion, the police were involved due to the violence). I think that deep down I worry that I'll end up in an unhappy relationship like they were, even though rationally it makes little sense. None of my partners have shown any signs of abusiveness and if they did, I'd be out the door. (This is also why I value my financial independence.)

My marriage failed because my husband decided he was no longer interested in sex at all (not just with me but with anyone; he now describes himself as asexual). The failure of this relationship has, if anything, made it even harder for me to commit as I already tried and failed at marriage once before, and it was painful. Again, it makes no rational sense, however emotionally I am finding it difficult to commit.

I have no problem with living with DP on an indefinite basis, we have a good life together. It's the big things like children and marriage where I have to make an active decision to commit that I am feeling overwhelmed. I had counselling after the breakup of my marriage, but writing this out I can see I still have some unresolved issues.

I had a similar childhood and it has resulted in the opposite problem for me - I overly commit!

I relate massively to your description of the disconnect between rational thought and emotions. I have made some (limited) headway with that with inner child therapy. I can't tell you that will work for you though!

I think this must be a real dilemma for you really because you will end up being committed one way or the other even if you avoid making a choice.

What is clear is that you are happy with things as they are now. Maybe you could start with that - because it sounds to me like what you are saying is you are happy and comfortable with committing to a relationship indefinitely without marriage or joint finances.

I think the commitment of a child is quite different to any commitment of another kind such as marriage and a relationship. If you have difficulty with commitment generally then you might find it easier or harder with a child.

Forget how irrational or otherwise you feel your feelings on commitment are and maybe think about what it is about commitment that provokes negative feelings?