He wants a baby and I'm just not sure... How do I decide what to do?

[violetbunny]

DP and I have been together 4 years. We live together and on the whole are quite happy together. I'm 35 and he is 33.

DP has always been clear that he wanted a child. At the time we got together I thought I did too, although it felt a long way off and I didn't feel remotely ready at the time. Now I still don't feel ready, in fact I feel like it would be a drastic lifestyle change and as I'm quite happy with how my life is now, I'm hesitant to make such a change. I'm also very aware that at 35 I don't have too many years left to decide before nature decides for me.

The issue now is that we've really reached a crossroads in our relationship. He's made it clear that he really wants a child, and that our relationship is unlikely to continue if I decide for good that I don't want one. He is happy to wait some time before trying, he just wants to be sure we are on the same page and agree to try for one in the future. He seems to be holding on to our relationship for now in the hope I'll express an interest in trying, as he says I'm the perfect woman for him apart from this one issue! However, my lack of decision is clearly upsetting him more as time goes by, so we can't continue like this indefinitely. He also seems ok with the fact that we might try and not be successful, he says he just wants us to both be on the same page.

I feel really pressured to make a decision about whether or not to have a baby, which is making me feel even more paralysed to know what to do. I also worry that my commitment issues (which stem from growing up in a family environment of constant arguing and occasional abuse) are clouding my judgment. I am terrified that I will end up in a scenario where he leaves me, I realise I've made a wrong decision and basically lose both him and the opportunity to have a child. However, I also don't want to commit to having a child unless I'm sure I want one.

Has anyone else been in this situation before? How did you know if you wanted a baby or not? I love DP and would be heartbroken if we split over this, but I can't see a way forward. And I am finding it tough to even know how to decide what I want in the face of this pressure.

Also with regards to him doing his "fair share" at home, like I mentioned currently he works longer hours than I do as well as some late evenings. I do most of the cooking as I'm home first, and he does the dishes, other than that it's fairly equal. I certainly don't spend my life picking up after him.

Couldntmake- it's perfectly acceptable for anyone to want kids and make it a priority to the point where they'd move on from a relationship if the other person doesn't want them. As long as it's known what they want then it's fine. Or do you think one should bow to the others needs? He's not saying she has to get pregnant. Only that he might not stay if she has no interest at all.

He has said he is happy to change jobs, take paternity leave or whatever it takes to make sure he's doing his fair share and more.

What about giving up his job, and putting a career on hold because he is home looking after them?

You should never have a child because someone else wants one.

I also was unsure - would he leave? What if I was left to raise them alone etc

I get where you are coming from!!

I decided to gonfor it!!

In any situation with any male partner the thoughts would have been the same - you have to trust you made a good choice and do your best to stay together.

You are committed to buying a house, you are committed to your job friends and family -

You are just extending that family!!

Good luck whichever way you decide

Baffled by the advice to 'take the plunge'. How bloody stupid. What happens if OP does this and finds that she utterly regrets having a child? You can't change your mind and send them back

I was like you but had reached the ambivalent stage at 32/33, and am now almost 40. I decided that being ambivalent was an indicator that I should not have DC - at least until such time as I felt that I really wanted to try. As the years have passed I've become more sure of that decision. Will I regret it in my later life? Maybe. But one thing I definitely know is that I would rather regret not having had a child, than regret having had one.

If your DP wants kids and you decide that it's not for you, then you need to be honest with him so that he can look elsewhere if he wishes.

You are perfectly entitled and not unreasonable to not want children. Your OH is perfectly entitled and not unreasonable to want them. As you say, it's you that's changed the goalposts, not him. If you were posting from the other side of the fence, I'd say you would not be unreasonable to move on and find a new, like-minded partner. And in your circumstance, I'd say the same thing to your OH. It's not a case of being held to ransom over your ovaries, as a pp suggested. It's that he's being honest with you about his desire for a child and saying he's prepared to move on to fulfil that desire if necessary.
It must be very difficult for you.

But one thing I definitely know is that I would rather regret not having had a child, than regret having one.

Exactly. It's lovely that some people who took the plunge are happy, but even they say what hard work it is. If you give it a go & realise you loathe parenthood, you're fucked.

Never have a child you don't want. It isn't fair on the child.
Your partner might want something you don't. Perhaps it is time for him to move on.

If he wasn't pushing for a child, you would be kicking this decision back into the long grass, which says a lot. I think he's been perfectly reasonable, honest and patient and I think deep deep down you know what you want but fear is preventing you from articulating it. Now is the time to identify and confront your fears because kicking it into the long grass is no longer an option.

I was ambivalent about having a child but I wasnt firmly on the fence either, I was more 'if it happens, great and if it doesn't, that's ok' than, 'if it happens ok and if it doesn't, that's ok too. However, If I hadn't of become pregnant (unplanned) I don't think I would have made the active decision to become a mother. Motherhood seemed such a huge responsibility and although I didn't think I'd suck at it, I didn't feel that it would come naturally either. I was right, I don't suck as a mother and it isn't something that comes naturally either. My decision basically came down to, could I and would I want to manage being a single parent and the answer was yes. Little did I know that single parenthood suits me just fine.

Becoming a parent is a big deal and it is such a personal decision. Ignore all the 'you'll regret if you don't' and 'how do you think you'd feel in ten years time' statements. Becoming a mother is too bigger a deal to cross your fingers and hope.

You need to be honest, right now you're still not ready to have a child or to commit to having one in the future. However, you can't keep kicking this into the long grass and you should give yourself a deadline to come to a decision, which leaves the ball in your DP's court as to wether he can wait any longer..

It's crunch time for both of you, good luck.

Unless you can wholeheartedly say that you are happy to have a child with him, come what may, then don't do it. There are too many stories about women who had children because their partner was keen to, but when life got difficult, the men shipped out and the women were left bringing up kids they had never wanted in the first place. It might mean the end of your relationship, but there is no way to compromise on this - and it's your body on the line.

Regarding putting his career on hold, he has said several times previously that he would be quite happy to stay at home. He works hard but is not career driven, I am the one who would be less willing to make career sacrifices.

Thanks again for your comments, some in particular have been especially useful and are good food for thought. The point about whether or not I'd be happy to be a single parent is one in particular that I need to think about some more.

Same as others, I never wanted children until I fell pregnant and it's the best thing I've done! Sometimes we don't know what we want until it happens. I was never interested in others kids, found them annoying.. but love mine to the moon and back.

I love my DD to the moon and back too but if I hadn't of had her I don't think I would have regretted not being a mother. Regret isn't my thing and that comes with not wanting a crystal ball, I try and made the best decisions with what I have at the time.

I'm glad Ex is an Ex and there's a cats hell in chance that I would ever go back there but I was once there because I was a different person and hindsight doesn't exist. What I'm trying to say but badly, is that it's ok not to be maternal (hell despite loving DD, there's are a lot of things that I didn't or don't like about motherhood). God I remember the gasps and daggered looks when I said that I hated breastfeeding and that rather than making me feel close to DD, it did the opposite. The ridiculous and insidious pressure to be everything to everybody at the same bloody time, I don't miss that!

Another thing, Ex was very much the new and forward thinking male until being a parent impacted him and then all the talk went out the window and all his expectations of motherhood became apparent. Essentially I should remain the same and have the same responsibilities whilst being the default parent, becoming a domestic slave and becoming his mother. Your partner maybe a good un but do not underestimate the pressure that society and gender stereotypes exert on women and how easy it is for some men to flip to the dark side when you are at your most vulnerable.

I don't regret having DD because I made the right decision for me at the time. Had I done it for someone else, it wouldn't have ended well because it's a personal decision. based on my personal feelings and capabilities.

I know myself better in the last ten years than in the thirty five before becoming a mother, thank god it worked in her favour.

Really good posts from Isetan.

I agree with Isetan that you have no idea how someone will be as a parent, until the baby is there. Up until that point, it is all talk. But you are the one who will carry and give birth to the baby, and it is you who society will see as the default carer.

At a population level, the vast majority of men increase their hours when babies are born, and a minority take paternity leave.

There are guys who step up, but it is not a given. So you need to be sure you are happy with the decision, otherwise it will lead to resentment when you are exhausted in the early months

It's much easier to do your fair share when you don't have kids and the shares are both small.

Yes, I wouldn't be too complacent about his modern parenting attitudes. Lots of people talk a good game, but with the best will in the world, it's really hard not to slip into the conventional roles. Especially when it feels like the baby can't be comforted by anything but mummy, and the social pressures, and the fatigue and monotony of the baby years. And mum soon finds she can't just pop out, but dad thinks nothing of it.. Recommend you read 'Wifework'.

I was ambivalent about having children and in the same position. My OH is 5 years older than me so was really keen to have them. Had DD last year and OH is a SAHD and it's all working out great. Now I wish I had not been so scared and had them sooner.

Just don't fall into the trap of indecision like I did. It actually made me ill and so stressed obsessing over if I wanted them or not. Make a decision and own it!

CouldntMakeThisShitUp
So......held hostage to your ovaries eh?
I wonder if he's ever used that 'If you love me you would do XYZ' line before?

Projecting much?

what exactly is wrong with him being honest?
It is a deal breaker for him.

Don't have a child unless you are 100% committed to wanting a child, it is just not fair on the child (or yourself).

TBH I can't see the changing careers will happen when baby arrives if he's not done so already. You'll be on mat leave for however long, money will be tight, a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush sort of thing and before you know it he's still doing lots more hours and you're left holding the baby feeling cheated that he's gone back on his word. Has he even any savings in the bank for a financial cushion to show he's serious? If not why not? Is the expectation on you to shoulder the responsibility for the baby?

Hmmm.... I think the commitment issues you have are really key here.

This is a decision which requires a commitment either way for you. You can't possibly make the decision that is 'right' in terms of being sure how you will feel as a result of it for the rest of your life. It is a decision you have to just make and commit to sticking to really.

What caused the commitment issues? Was it to do with your divorce?

And be warned re what he thinks he will do as a father. Out of all the families I know only one father who promised he would do equal childcare/make accommodations in his career actually has and his profession is nursery nurse/jobbing actor/life model!!!

My father and the two dads of my four kids all promised to be equal and then felt a threat on their manhood so ran away to work.

I think a consideration for BOTH of you re having a child together is how you would feel about being a SAHP/single parent. If he feels he is not prepared to be a SAHD/single parent I think he doesn't really want a child he wants YOU to have a child.

boney Not projecting - just voicing my opinion based on the info provided.

He's prepared to give ultimatums to OP......but not put his money where his mouth is.

Like i said - if he can't/won't do his 'fair share' pre-dc how the hell is he going to do it post-dc?