When is a good time to broach *the future* with my partner?

[KatDubs261]

I'm 25, 26 this year, and have been with my boyfriend for 7 months. Things are going wonderfully and for the moment I'm happy building memories together.

My boyfriend recently took me to his friend's wedding and began asking me what I thought about rings etc. At one point during the ceremony I could barely tear him away from a newborn baby. And to think women are meant to be the broody ones!

But last night he made some comments that concerned me. He joked about not being a fan of babies/children (news to me as he seems to adore his niece & nephew). I asked him about it and he just said he doesn't want them right now. When I asked if he is planning on being an older father, he said he didn't know - 'maybe', as his parents had him late in life (his mother was in her 40s) and his brother is having a kid in his 40s. He asked me the same question and I told him I wouldn't wait because my aunt (who I am very like genetically) started trying at 38 and couldn't have them. He just listened and said 'to be honest it's just not something I've thought about.'

I suppose in my mind I'd like to start trying by 30/31 and fear the thought of building a life with someone that doesn't want the same things. He wants to have more adventures and not give up his independence, nor do I yet. I want to keep enjoying our time together for now but I also don't want to find out in 2 years that we want different things. Any advice?

For God's sake - slow down! You've got years ahead of you before you need to worry about things like this. Some of the posts on here are absolutely bonkers!

I had that conversation with my now DH pretty early on, when I was 26. I wanted to make it clear to him that I wanted to get married and have children in the next five years or so, and also that in the abstract ahem I had no interest in dating or being engaged for years without actually getting married. meaningful look I probably wasn't as subtle as I could have been. He said that he felt the same way. So I was happy that we were on the same page, and after we'd been going out about 18 months, he proposed and we got married six months later.

If he had said that he was NOT interested in getting married and having children in the next 5 years or so, I would have broken up with him. Obv. I thought he was amazing (and still do) but I didn't want to date for two or three years before finding out the relationship was essentially pointless, and I always wanted to have children a bit younger than my parents were when I was born.

It's ridiculous to shy away from making your position clear when it's your ENTIRE FUTURE that you're talking about. If you want to get married and have children in the next 5 years, you need to make sure that he does too, or you're both wasting each other's time.

The 5 year timespan I have mind is due to 1) knowing the problems I may face if I leave it later genetically and 2) I simply think I would like to have a kid before then.

People say that I have years yet but after you meet someone you may then spend years engaged, kids after that etc. It takes time to build a foundation upon which you can have a family. I am really happy with my boyfriend now and certainly don't want to scare him off! But I would be very disappointed if I get to about 30 and he still wasn't ready. It would feel like wasted time to an extent.

I actually agree with OP - it's daft to waste time on a relationship where they don't want the same things.

Personally I don't want to have children. I could possibly foster or adopt but I've no wish for a biological child. I wouldn't want to be with someone who absolutely does and for them to find out late on and be heartbroken someone they had built a life with didn't share their values.

However women are often pressured to consider this more and it may likely be that he's just not given it a thought.

If I were you I probably would carefully broach the issue and explain that you very much do want children and are concerned due to fertility issues in the family.

It's all too easy for a relationship to start because you like each other's company. Then after a bit, the rental for one of you comes up for renewal. The easiest thing is to move in, so you do. Then after a couple of years, you finally realise that the other person has very different ideas about having children/focussing on career/which country to live in etc. At that point, breaking up is hugely costly, so you wonder about compromising, whereas if you'd had those conversations before moving in, you'd have definitely been out of there. Now might be a bit early, but I'd strongly suggest discussing major life hopes/goals before you move in together.

18-36 months would be the right time, which is when you can truly start to know someone & the facade drops

Far too soon as PP have said. Don't pressurise him or expect him to push you away. Enjoy being together.

FWIW, i met now DH at 21, we got together when I was 23. Long distance for a bit then we lived together. He wasn't ready for marriage for various reasons but bar that little contract and optional circular jewellery, our lives together were a marriage to all intents and purposes.

Then, finally after 9 years, after his brother proposed to his gf of similar time, we finally got engaged.

We've now been married two years, and baby on the way. I'm 35 now btw, and we conceived the first month of trying.

His later reactions about not liking children are probably a cover up as he scared himself with the cooing.

And whether your aunt managed to conceive quickly or not is a red herring.

Slow down, it's only been 7 months and you hardly know each other. And I definitely think anyone would be bloody mad to marry before living together, crazy, bat-shit loopy, you really don't know someone until you've lived together for a while.

Lots of men, and women, in their 20's don't know if and when they're ready to start a family. I think it's pretty strange to have a timetable of these events.

It's been 7 months. Slow down.

Thanks everyone.

I've been thinking about why I'm so bugged and decided it's because it's my boyfriend that raises the topic of weddings, engagements and kids more or less every week or 2 - talking as though the idea appeals to him. Then just this week he does a 180 and says he doesn't even like kids etc so I feel he's a bit up and down emotionally at the moment. Four of his friends are getting married this year and he admitted it is getting to him. I suppose his life is changing a lot as his friends settle down.

If he raises the topic again, I'll find a light-hearted way to change topic seeing as he is the one that is not ready yet. However, as it is still early days I will focus on enjoying our time together and raise the topic again before we make the decision to move in together.

Sounds like he has the potential to be one of those who dangles the chance in front of you with no intention of actually keeping his promise. If he's not ready, he can bring it up clearly in a 'ten years time' way, or he can not bring it up. Anything else seems a bit manipulative to me.

I'd prefer to have travelled and lived with someone before committing to marriage. They are the initial big tests of compatibility and being together. Kids are the end of life as you know it for a long long time.

I'm with you @KatDubs261 I had a frank conversation with my now DH about 3 months in. We were 26 and 28 at the time and I basically said that I needed to know what his relationship intentions were. Not that I wanted to get married and have kids straight away but to find out if we were on the same page.

If he'd said he never wanted the same things, wasn't bothered or wanted to wait until he was much older - I knew I'd have walked away because that didn't match me.

When he told me he wanted the same things I knew it was worth continuing a long distance relationship and in all honesty would have married him within 6 months.

I just knew he was the right person for me for life!

We got together in October 2013, moved in together (I moved from Wiltshire to London) in Feb 2014, got engaged September 2015, married in August 2016 and are expecting our first child in 5 weeks in May 2017

Things happen for a reason and you know what you want from your life... 💕

Whereas I decided that being with DH was more important overall as we're best friends as well as everything else.

I'd more or less come round to carry on as we are without children, admittedly partly as a result of depression too, when we next discussed it and said he was ready.

I can't imagine life without him now, after 12 years

We had quite a serious conversation on our first anniversary. It was cards on the table. He initiated the whole discussion. He said he wanted kids, i said i wouldn't have kids without being married first. He said he wanted to live together, i said i would be only if it was with a view to getting married, ie if it worked out after a few months of living togetherwe would need to be getting engaged. It was slightly embarrassing and pretty unromantic, but actually it made me realise what i actually wanted, and him too and that we ultimately were compatible. There were no ultimatums, just this is what i would like, what would you like, do they work together. This conversation took about 4 hours and it was at just the right time in our relationship. Very glad he initiated it. We are now married for 7 years with 2 kids. All good.

Fwiw, DH didn't want marriage, or kids when we first got together.

A few months in, we had a few odd conversations about what names we'd give sons or daughters, but I only found out after we'd married that he really didn't want children.

I was upset and considered ending the marriage. He was upset and didn't want it to end, but equally, he really didn't want children.

Quite by accident, we ended up caring for two children whose mother was in rehab and asked for guidance from SS. When they went home, our SW asked whether we could care for another child, then another, then another ...

We ended up adopting two of the children we fostered.

DH, 'the reluctant father', is the best dad imaginable for our children. They're now in their late teens and are fabulous young people (most of the time ).

What I'm trying to say is, you never know where life will take you, if you let things happen rather than forcing them.

Chill out and give it time!

Thanks everyone, for your responses - quite a mix! Last time we were together he lightly raised the topic of both marriage and babies again. This time I joked 'I thought you didnt like babies, so why are you bringing them up? ' & he said 'its not that I dont like them, it's just that you basically give your whole life over to this other human. How long do you think it would be before you could do something social after the birth?' !!? And later I was talking about embarrassing photos and he said 'your mum will definitely unleash those at your wedding.'

For now I will enjoy the relationship for what it is. He has initiated wanting to do some travelling together, which I am open to. When it gets to about a year/the next stage of commitment I think we will need to talk more frankly and seriously. I just honestly think like some peoples DHs here he is still deciding what he wants out of life. I am too and also know with certainty there are things I definitely want/could not compromise on.

The only thing I wouldn't have compromised on was DH. I don't think we ever had any big conversation about our future; we just really really wanted to be together.

We were friends for a couple of years, got together and moved in within the week and, after about 18 months, decided we would rather like a baby because my best mate's was pretty cute.

I'm not sure about all this planning and strategising.

Agree that it's far too soon.

You also say about your aunt. General infertility is not hereditary, unless there is some specific genetic disease or hereditary condition (like PCOS) that both you and her share?

25 is still very young to be thinking about it and I think at that age you have a skewed perception. For example, he might say he wants kids in his 40s, but the reality is he may change his mind much sooner. Similarly some people at 25 say they want kids at 30, then get to that age and realise that they actually don't feel ready in the slightest.

I'd rather know sooner than later.

I ended up spending 10 years of my teens into mid 20's with someone who wasn't interested in babies or marriage but kept telling me 'maybe one day'.

I left him eventually.

I met my dp when he was 26, and he was happy to talk to me about what we both wanted in life and this was refreshing and gave me confidence that I wasn't wasting any more time.

At 26 I didn't want to meet someone, wait 2 years to find out he wasn't on the same page and then start over again, and potentially repeat with the next one.

We moved in together after about 6 months and 6 months later I was pregnant. 4 months after that we were engaged and we have recently bought our 1st house together and baby is due soon

Good grief, you're both only 25! What's the rush?

I didn't meet my DH till my thirties, there honestly is NO hurry! It doesn't matter if he brings it up or not... you are fixated on what you are both going to commit to, but it's only 7 months in! Just enjoy your relationship without mithering about the future yet

you recommend living with someone without any promise of marriage in the future?

Not only recommend it, I would make it compulsory if I could.

Never make any promises of marriage (and definitely don't have any children) unless you've tried living with someone.

I'm with the early askers - why on earth would you wait a couple of years to find out if someone is ever going to want marriage or children? What a waste of time! I've always asked in the first couple of months - it's not that I would be planning it for any time soon but if you call in love with someone, move in together and only then find out your long-term goals are completely incompatible then you find yourself in a really difficult situation. FWIW my DP asked about children on our second date! 3 years later we don't have children and aren't even engaged but we know we're on the same page and will work towards that when we feel it's the right time.

I also think it is far too soon. I had a dc of 26 and if she was talking about marriage/babies with her boyfriend of 11 months (she has been with hers 11 months, I know the op is 7) I'd give her a shake.
I do sort of agree that it would be nice to know if you are both on the same page however. The fact that your boyfriend wants to go travelling would tell me that it's too early for the talk.
Just enjoy your relationship and try not to translate everything he says

*have a dc of 26 (not had! )