Wake up dreading the yelling and sadness of the day

[Stewart2017]

Absolutely first thought on waking up today was -
"oh no, how many minutes til the screaming and tantrums begin"

and thats just my wife!

The kids are challenging but I feel boisterous more than bad.
They know their boundaries with me and behave 99% of time.

My wife cannot dress a 6 year old. She cannot oversee teeth cleaning. She cannot even brush her hair.

And I have now lost 99% of readers sympathy as most will be fitting and say I should do it or the kid should do it herself. I understand that
But when i'm away to work, she goes in to school filthy. She is late as 30 minutes of screaming at non compliance normally.
The neighbours have mentioned the daily yelling. Not in a nasty way.

Forgive me, but i have thought occasionally that I hope a neighbour report her/us to social services to bring situation to a head.
It's been like this 3 or 4 years. A neighbour where we used to live reported my wife 2 years ago and after a visit the social worker just dismissed the complaint. I had daily recordings on my phone at that point as genuinely I never thought anyone would believe how severe and harsh she is with our 2 kids.

I should do more you may say. I do 99% including all cooking shopoing and tidying up. She always has an excuse to be lazy.

I not ready to split as it's complicated financially.

I am not depressed. I just feel a deep pit dread each day. I work so hard to avoid confrontation each morning breakfasting the kids while she potters about for herself and showering which is mormal. But within 20 seconds of my going up to get dressed it all kicks off. The kids know her yelling and threats and falls on dead ears. I am blamed daily too ofcourse within this daily aggressive saga.

I have a wee cry in despair most days at this point. Just for half a minute - not a break down. I am typing this hiding in toilet for a minute as the battle commences downstairs.

The second I emerge a volley of abuse will be dished out and it will be all my fault. Again. It's grim here.

He has yes.

This actually sounds awful and my heart goes out to you, you sound like an amazing husband and father.

However, are you sure she doesn't have a undiagnosed problem? Sounds like it, sure, I am not a medical specialist, so of course, take it with a grain of salt.

Unless she's always been like that and she's just a terrible person which means you need to make choices.

Your children obviously need more praise, encouragement and discipline, but it sounds like they're not going to get it from their mother.

I would get social services involved for support and advice as to how their mum can deal with your children. If she won't adhere to this, you need to try and get sole custody.

SS may be able to help you all, your wife is clearly not coping and nor is your family going to survive this "routine" for much longer, it's unhealthy for all of you.

Please find and accept the help you need.

OP replying here - amazing response and I will read them all later today for sure.
Quick replies - I don't work away but I meant when I go upstairs to get ready it kick offs and couple of days a week I out of house earlier I leave carnage and have often been late for work last few months.

Issue now is my job is relocating and I can no longer do 90% of the dropping off and picking up the kids starting in couple of months. My wife not willing to alter her schedule to take a fair share of childcare but realistically is going to have to share.

I know if she does the morning shift it will be chaos. Someone said ask her to sell breakfast for dressing and teeth clean - she not think breakfast important as she skips it. I can't accept my kids leaving house hungry and cereal and toast/brioche is my strict routine for them. She does not back up this routine and kids play on this. Seems so simple to be firmer, but she refuses to change. Yelling her way. Even though has never worked.

She is not ill. Not dressed. Has a good job but has it easy at home and stress free - bar the stress she caused (or kids causes in her view).

I have had the chat, and it's all my fault. She believes I'm the problem.
She won't go to GP for anything and not even an asthma clinic she is sent an appointment every 6 months she not been in years. She doesnt need GP or anyone. She is good health. But in denial I guess.

In arguments she just tells blatant lies and this annoys me more. Even if teenager has also heard her say something she still denies it aggressively to me. Frustrating.

I do support my wife. I step in with conflicts and calm situations. Sometimes I deliberately keep upstairs and it just escalates until I step in. She feels I undermine her. I feel I support her and resolve the yelling match. She has hit kids soni cannot stand on the sidelines then.

Teacher has mentioned filthy nails and hair full of tugs. I have also been taken aside when cropping youngest at school with teacher saying 6 year old using F word in class and it needs been enforced at home that not acceptable. She has not learnt that word from me.

I am whining here and i will annoy alot of Mums reading this. I get that. But it feels good typing it. I may genuinely print my 2 messages and discuss with SS or a GP. No one in my family knows what going on - im embarrassed to tell them.

I have alot of medical issues to deal with (being controlled by tabs but unrelated to mental health issues so not that relevant here) and consultants at hospital keep saying make sure i get support at home. I get zero. A grown man ought not be in tears daily. In summary - I feel at end of my tether and can't see how things can improve at home.

Have you family who can support you?

Did the social workers hear the harsh daily phone recordings you made? They may have been able to shed light on your family dynamics or maybe. What sort of parenting did she have growing up, do you know? SS might be able to help.

I don't think you can relocate work if it will mean your dcs not being looked after. Bath the kids each night too, that's what we do. They won't have dirty nails & hair if you bath them.
You can feel the unfairness of the situation (a lot of us will empathise), but you have to do it all yourself if your wife is not. There is no choice about it. Your dcs need parenting & you are their parent.

How old are the children?

I don't you're annoying the mumsnetters! You're not annoying me.

I've read your last post and I think you need to be careful. I think school need to be aware that you are trying your best regarding the children and their mum. They need to know what you've told us. Otherwise SS may think that it's both of you that aren't taking the interests of the children seriously.

Agree with bananamanfan

It's a long shot, but is it possible she had undiagnosed ADHD- it causes problems with organisation and can play havoc on relationships. No excuse at all for her abusing you and kids, but could be worth looking into. What do her family and friends think?

Sounds like your first mistake is keeping this all secret.

If your wife can't cope and you won't split up then you NEED outside support. Whether it's family, SS or buying in help.

You know this.

Why can't you brush their hair and clean their nails?
Just because their Mum doesn't do something fundamental for them doesn't mean it just shouldn't get done
Be a parent
If you're that concerned, leave, take your kids and look after them!

So whilst you are hiding upstairs in the toilet, your wife is verbally AND physically abusing your DC.

You are their father and it's your job to protect them. You need to get this woman out of their lives.

It's not in their best interest to keep exposing them to daily chaos, neglect and abuse just because things are "financially complicated".

Not sure how to take this OP. If your wife can't oversee teeth cleaning and goes out without brushing her hair when you are not there, does this mean you usually oversee her getting ready? How do you know if you're not there? Sounds like she needs real help, not slagging off...

Sounds like she needs real help, not slagging off... - if that's true then she can leave and then get help. She's the adult, OP is not her parent too.

Just a quick check posters, make sure you're giving the same advice you'd give to a woman if this was reversed.

Just a quick check posters, make sure you're giving the same advice you'd give to a woman if this was reversed.
Was this directed at me notone??

Another quick trick is to remember we only ever get one side of the story, and we all fill in a lot of blanks with our own guesses.

Yes Fritz - if you like . The OP tell us his wife has hit the kids in anger; usually that elicits the call to LTB, not saying the abusive husband/male partner etc needs help.

notone no 'if you like' thanks. O have to admit to scanning the thread and what jumped out at me was the fact that this person doesn't even bother to brush their hair if not checked uo on- this isn't usual behaviour whether male or female, and I think I asked a legitimate q in asking if OP normally checks up on this kind of thing. I would ask the same if OP was male or female. I had not seen the update when I posted, but you can be 'in good health ' and not in a good mental state.
But I have to agree with a pp - its not just one partner's responsibility to ensure kids nails are clean, etc. Don't moan about it, get it sorted. Whether male or female

OP, have you posted before? It sounds v similar to a few other threads where a husband has nothing good to say about his wife and where wife is seemingly useless and abusive.

Since when has your wife behaved in this way? Has she ever been a good parent? Why is she so cross all the time? Does she tell you what makes her cross and unhappy?

What prevents you from divorcing your wife if you view her in such a negative light? Are you assertive? Have you both looked for gel? Home start? Sure Start centre? The school? Is your wife depressed?

What does your wife say when you tell her not to shout and pull her weight?

All that sounds very, very difficult, OP.

I am guessing that your marriage is not a happy one?

When did all this start?

I fully understand that it is not that easy to tuck the kids under your arm and up sticks, with the finances of separation, being a single parent and the complication of your own health issues.

However. Knowledge is power,

Have a look online and see what you could be entitled to as a single parent, tax credits etc, child maintenance from your wife.

Also, talk to your GP. Describe what is happening, share your concerns.

In what way does your wife think everything is your fault?

Would she go for counselling? Next time she blames you say 'ok, you may be right, and whatever is going on is harming the kids, so shall we get some help to communicate around it so that we all end up happier?"

Or what might happen if you really put your foot down? Put on a DVD for the kids, go to her and say firmly and calmly 'enough is enough. I am not prepared for my kids to be yelled at like this. We can sort this out together by going to counselling and / or joint parenting classes, but next time I hear you yelling like that I am taking them to my parents, and if you ever hit them again I will call the police. I am 100% serious. If you need help to sort this out, I will support you. Or, as I said, we sort it together. But one way or another we stop living like this",

Are you close to your or her parents? A sibling? I expect it is harder for some men to share situations like this, but you have nothing that you need to hide for the sake of shame.

I've seen this at close quarters. The children have grown up very damaged. The mother was very ill but also very, very abusive emotionally and mentally and physically.

Record what is going on. Record every incident meticulously. Reach out to organisations who can help, official or voluntary.

Ask your wife to get help. If she won't, plan to leave no matter how complicated the finances, for the sake of your child. It is devastating to live like this and the damage is severe to her and bad to you.

Sincerely wish you good luck. Please do your best to get yourself and your daughter into a better atmosphere; it will help both of you massively.

One dc? How old?