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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Pissed off - again

32 replies

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:32

Nothing to be done about this - just needing to off-load.

DH took DCs up to start getting them ready for bed tonight while I tidied the kitchen. They are 5 & 7. It was just before 8pm.

It didn't take long before both DCs started crying and screaming. DH appears to tell me DD has "gone off on one, she's refusing to go to the toilet". I'm not quite sure why he was telling me. I said "OK, can you get DS ready I'll be up in a minute". Then DD comes down in tears and tells me how DH physically held her on the toilet and shut her in the bathroom. Cue DH yelling from downstairs to argue with the 7yo DD. I go upstairs and DS is crying because DH picked him up off the stairs without his books and was rough with him during teeth brushing. At this point both children are in tears telling me how awful DH is and DH is standing there arguing with a bloody 5 and 7yo!!!

So I take over and get them ready for bed. Apparently I'm nasty for pointing out that he's managed to make two small children cry again and it's my fault because I gave them their dinner too late and so they're over tired. There was no evidence of him giving them their dinner at any time, let alone earlier than I had.

I'm sick of this. Basically I can't trust him to look after his own children properly. He's always too rough with them, regularly makes them cry and then argues with them to prove his innocence!!!

I'm blood fed up.

OP posts:

TheNewSchmoo · 14/04/2017 21:34

And you're with him while he mistreats your children why exactly?

ohfourfoxache · 14/04/2017 21:35

Why on earth are you with him?

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:38

Because he's their father, because he earns the money and I have no job and no chance of getting one.

He's thoughtless and careless with them.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 14/04/2017 21:45

He's a poor role model too.

In your shoes I would be looking at retraining in a decent career or for a job if you already have experience/quals and be thinking of an exit strategy

Sometimes you have to play the long game

QuiteLikely5 · 14/04/2017 21:46

Oh and don't forget he will have to pay you cm plus you will get benefits etc if you wanted to leave now

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:49

He's not always thoughtless and careless.

But our relationship has definitely suffered since children because he's not the father I thought he'd be.

Most of it is fairly minor stuff like affectionately calling DD a book worm and her being upset because she thinks he's calling her names. And then arguing with her!!! That's what grates on me the most.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/04/2017 21:53

He namecalls, forces them onto the toilet, locks them in the bathroom, is rough about toothbrushing, argues with them, yells at them and rushes to tell you his side of the story...

I think you oughta put more thought to leaving.

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:53

If I go then they have to be with him on their own.

Don't get me wrong, they adore their dad (most of the time) and they are often with with him without me and he frequently puts them to bed frequently. But they and him wind each other up and he doesn't seem capable of rising above it and being the adult.

The long game, yes. But I think this needs to be the very long game. I don't think it's bad enough for the DCs that a major upheaval in their lives is a better alternative.

OP posts:

pictish · 14/04/2017 21:54

Sounds like he needs to grow up.

Gooseygoosey12345 · 14/04/2017 21:54

You're letting him be abusive towards your children, I don't know what kind of advice you expect other than LTB!!

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:56

Frequently puts the to bed successfully.

If I leave he'll go for co-parenting anyway and more importantly, I won't be there to step in when needed.

OP posts:

theansweris42 · 14/04/2017 21:57

You and your children deserve better x

Wolfiefan · 14/04/2017 21:57

We winds them up, name calls and argues with two young children?
He can't behave like an adult?
What are his positives?

theansweris42 · 14/04/2017 21:59

You being there some of the time to step in is not a long term plan.

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 14/04/2017 21:59

They won't get better though, will they? They'll get him half the time, without me there.

OP posts:

category12 · 14/04/2017 22:06

He might not want 50/50. As it is they have him 100% of the time, and you're not intervening successfully in preventing all this, are you? How do you think he will be with them when they are older?

theansweris42 · 14/04/2017 22:07

But you're not always there now.
I really felt the same. My ex had 50/50 for a while then "couldn't"... He has them, but they don't see him abusing me. They report he is shouty sometimes. He has no skills.

But there are good times for them with him. And they NOW spend most of their time in a stress free home. Yay.

theansweris42 · 14/04/2017 22:08

Well not stress free but normal conflict!

RockyBird · 14/04/2017 22:09

Divorce his arse and have a happy life with your kids.

Sorry if this option is not immediately available to you

Pollydonia · 14/04/2017 22:11

Then can you get him to address his issues/ go to parenting classes ?
If not then your allowing an adult to treat you dc like this

scottishdiem · 14/04/2017 22:13

Suggest parenting classes as its clear he isnt able to cope with the children?

JaneEyre70 · 14/04/2017 22:27

Does he understand that if your kids mention to say a teacher that daddy hurts them that this could become very serious??
I'd sit him down and tell him that it isn't acceptable - he's lost control and needs to take time out before that happens. I think counselling or some parenting classes might help here but you need to get across to him that it is a sign of weakness not strength..... your poor kids must hate being put to bed by him if that's what happens .

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 15/04/2017 12:13

DD may have a bruise on her arm today. She also currently has an all over body viral rash so it's hard to tell with 100% accuracy.

DH is ashamed of himself today and has apologised to the DC.

I'm not minimising this but to be clear, no one is in danger and if this is abuse it is low-level abuse as a result of bad parenting and lack of emotional control rather than a nasty personality. The DCs are generally very happy children, comfortable with their DF.

But how does this work? If I decided they were better off without him? Where would I start? Would he be allowed access?

Any fallout would destroy him which would in turn destroy his earning potential. The children would have to come out of their few paying schools. I may need to sell the house. Is all that worth it? Should I just make myself responsible for keeping the peace and the DC safe from his outbursts by managing the situation better?

Does anyone know if I can legally withdraw all business money from the ltd co of which me and DH share 50/50?

OP posts:

Original poster

PissedAroundPissedOff · 15/04/2017 12:17

By the way, when discussing this this morning he is very quick to point out my own faults. Sometimes I shout at the children, I have in the past confined DD to a room (not held the door shut). But as I pointed out to him the DCs never complain to him that I have been rough or hurt them.

This could very quickly turn in to a very nasty slanging match.

He loses it every few months. I haven't been keeping a record.

Maybe that's the first step? Manage and monitor. ?

OP posts:

Naicehamshop · 15/04/2017 14:07

Your dd may have bruising because of his behaviour, and you are worried about their private schooling?

I think you need to think seriously about your priorities. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

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