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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Criticising your OH

74 replies

BarneyRumbleton · 14/04/2017 16:34

Are you able to criticise or complain about your OH? How do you go about it in a nice, respectful way? DP thinks the way I speak to him is awful, but I think he's over sensitive.
E.g. Dishes are left for a few hours when it's his turn to wash up. (He does his fair share of housework.) Me: 'Are these pots waiting for me?'
Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today.
Me: 'What, raining on and off?'

We're both under a lot of stress and I'll admit I'm not exactly Mary Poppins.

How do your Ohs take complaints, requests or criticism?

OP posts:

Original poster

BarneyRumbleton · 16/04/2017 16:15

No,I don't think I do more than my fair share. Definitely not. I'm not sure how that's come across because I don't think that at all. We've discussed this, at my initiation and he says he is happy with the way the chores are distributed.

OP posts:

BeyondThePage · 16/04/2017 16:17

"can you plug in the dryer, it's been wet on and off out there" - that is how I would ask.

and if I got "I'd ..." (do anything) then it would be "oh cheers darling"

but we don't tend to have a rota for anything, we just get on and do.

Dishes we do together - and chat... Cleaning the kitchen, the same... hoovering - one of us has the machine, the other shifts stuff.

As an example of our "chores dynamic" ... This weekend we finally got the Christmas lights down (the stepladder broke, we bought a new one - not just lazy... honest...)

Me "Can you help me get the lights down?"
DH "Yep ok"

we got them down

DH "Plastic looks a bit mucky"
Me"Yep, get us a bucket and soapy water and I'll give it a clean"
DH "hot?"
Me "yep"
DH"here you go... let me know when you're done and I'll put the stuff away"

That is the way pretty much all chore type conversations go in our house - no snippiness, not chivvying along, no PA stuff.

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:19

It's not good to be dependent on DH to plug in the tumble dryer: if it can't be made more convenient and you can't reach the high window, you could get a step thingy

Yes, minimising need for help can be a good thing. People like to help, until they don't.

We lived in a rural place once before I could drive. DH was keen on the place though I did voice concerns about isolation for me. The giving of lifts was fine until one night he wouldn't give me a lift to post a letter. His MIL was there - I think she encouraged him to take a stand against helping me as I caught her smirking about it.

It was that evening that sowed the seeds of me wanting to move somewhere more sensible!

It does make me wonder about what would happened if I really needed help though. It would be okay to ask then, I suppose, but I could only hope that I would get that help.

This makes it sound like my DH is really unhelpful. He really isn't, but I suppose I do have to watch how I ask sometimes and make sure I don't overask.

Original poster

BarneyRumbleton · 16/04/2017 16:19

pushing I just want to be a nice person! I am a nice person, but a bit blunt with it and if that upsets my family it has to change.

OP posts:

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:20

*MY MIL was there, not his

floraeasy · 16/04/2017 16:21

On the dryer example after his response to your request I'd've said "I'm going to use the dryer in case it rains" and repeated the request

That's another great way of putting it and I can hear how that sounds better and doesn't make DH wrong.

wizzywig · 16/04/2017 17:03

op, i also dont see anything wrong with what you have said. but then again i have huge amounts of seething annoyance towards my husband. he also takes everything i say as a personal attack, so we dont talk much. at least mumsnet benefits from my opinions seeing as my husband doesnt

fuzzyfozzy · 16/04/2017 17:43

We've had this before, so after he didn't like what I'd said, I genuinely asked him how I should have said it.
He does the same, it's good to see things from the other side.
Equally, I've told him he's being an arse...

SleepingTiger · 16/04/2017 17:46

Pots do not have have minds. They don't wait for anything.

Dozer · 16/04/2017 17:51

Ah OK, so your underlying annoyance with your H isn't related to domestic work, but perhaps means you are reacting differently to perceived domestic misdemeanors!

Dealing with the underlying annoyance seems important then.

People who describe themselves as "blunt" and "showing it" when pissed off are often rude and moody IME! But you also say you're concerned to be "nice".

Have you ever done any training in or read up on assertiveness? If not, that might be good.

marciagetscreamed · 16/04/2017 18:25

I don't criticise to DH's face.

I swallow it down into a hard ball of resentment and then slag him off to my sisters and friends.

Wouldn't recommend my method, btw. I am now more than a bit bonkers. Do something sensible as PPs have suggested.

FairyPenguin · 17/04/2017 13:31

My DH also tells me that my tone is very blunt. We've fallen out a lot lately because of it. He says he can only take so much "criticism" before it gets to him. What I don't understand is I don't think my tone has changed in the last 20 years we've been together (people at work also know that's how I speak so it's not just the way I talk to him, it's genuinely how I talk) so why is it bugging him now?

floraeasy · 19/04/2017 09:50

FairyPenguin that's interesting. Could your DH elaborate what he means by "blunt". Does he feel something has changed in the last 20 years or is he saying he's always had a problem with your tone but is only speaking out about it now?

I would love someone independent to observe and hear me to help me see what I'm doing wrong. I know sometimes of course when I've been snappy. It's the other times I need to know about.

There are things that happen that I just don't say anything at all about now. Because there's probably no nice way to say them. So for instance, when DH wears a brand new pair of leather brogues to garden in the mud, I bite my tongue! Even though I know they will be ruined in no time and the occasions they have been bought for will come along and he'll still have no shoes for it. Sigh!

floraeasy · 19/04/2017 11:30

Just been snappy this very moment I knocked a bottle of water over our shared computer desk. DH saw the whole thing happen. I was picking up paperwork and rushed to bathroom to get paper towels to mop up. When I got to the office door, there he was with dog blocking my way! Just standing there holding dog up to me to say "hello".

I said sharply, "Can you get out of my way, PLEASE!! I'm trying to mop up water here...rescue the phone, the keyboard......"

I apologised afterwards. I need some kind of June Cleaver personality transplant, I think!!!!

FairyPenguin · 20/04/2017 04:24

I know what you mean about biting your tongue more for fear of starting another argument.

To be honest, DH is going through a really stressful time at work right now, so I think he's easily wound up. So yes, in part he is saying that it's annoyed him in the past 20 years but that he tolerates it, but he's not tolerating it well now because he's stressed.

So now I'm not happy as I'm having to pretty much say minimal things to be civil and not cause an argument. It's hard as I'm constantly having to take a breath and think before I speak.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 20/04/2017 10:02

Joining the thread very late but agree that tone and facial expression convey so much. Timing too is key.
If a third party is present (PIL, DC, bystander) it's not easy if you feel you are ever so subtly (or not) ganged up on.

I think sharing our living space with another independently thinking adult is challenging. Some contentious issues in hindsight do seem so petty but they all add up so if after over a decade you find your OH seems more sensitive it must be the drip drip effect of water on stone. Or someone else has commented or there have been unfavourable comparisons made?

My late MIL was one of the 'can't bear to be sitting still doing nothing' D y n a m o bunny types and I have a very different approach. I get things done but realised very early on DH had different ideas and expectations.
Over time we accepted one way isn't the right way but if something makes one of us feel ill at ease or unable to relax then if the other person can just do something to sort it out then why not bend a bit.
I am quite sure we do still have quirks or habits that drive the other mad but it's give and take isn't it.
Neither can stand having an oppressive cloud of sulks hanging over us and we try to be open about what's bugging us.

I now know at heart he wants to solve things so if I need him to just listen about something, I usually preface letting off steam by saying I'm not looking for solutions at the moment.

ApplePaltro33 · 20/04/2017 11:37

Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today.
Me: 'What, raining on and off?'

My problem with this is that if you are sniping it at him, you are arguing instead of disagreeing.

You could even just say "it rained earlier so i think it might rain". There you are giving him more information and trying to help him understand your thinking rather than criticizing his thinking.

ApplePaltro33 · 20/04/2017 11:40

Me: 'Are these pots waiting for me?'

oh hell, no! The thing is... unless you typically have to step in to do the pots because he routinely delays them until you crack and do them (is this the case?) then this isn't even factually accurate because you KNOW they are not waiting for you. So you are making a statement you know to be untrue. It's also implying that he's trying to make you do them. Implying that he won't do them. It's just super super rude.

And if you had zero resentment and you were able to say it with a genuine smile in a non stressed relationship, maybe ok. But I'm guessing you spit them at him because you really are mad at him?

Chathamhouserules · 20/04/2017 11:48

I think you could have said 'well I think it will rain today so I was going to use the dryer' It sounds less argumentative than what you said. DH and I often say 'I see what you mean, but I was thinking ...' and that works quite well.
Just saying what you were thinking in a straightforward way.
I would have not said anything about the dishes.

HarmlessChap · 20/04/2017 13:20

I do think that there is a cumulative effect over the years and things which would annoy you eventually go from being a minor issue that you would just put up with to being a major thing. Coupled with the fact that over time people do also gradually change so whether you recognise it or not I would think that your way of talking, tone and so on is unlikely to be exactly the same as it was when you first got together.

FairyPenguin · 21/04/2017 16:08

Donkeys - I think you might have got it there, with the water on stone analogy. I am going to make more of an effort to see things from his point of view and see if things improve. Unfortunately I think we've got to the stage where he's expecting me to be snappy but will definitely try. Thank you.

Original poster

BarneyRumbleton · 21/04/2017 20:26

I seem to be much better this week. But then, he's been off work all week and I've been at work, so domestically I've been the slacker 😳

OP posts:

befuddledgardener · 21/04/2017 20:31

I'd probably say noting about the dishes and just leave them. If you had to be vocal try 'would you mind doing the washing up while I hoover, then we can have a nice cuppa/glass of wine'

befuddledgardener · 21/04/2017 20:33

Or 'I going stick the clothes in the dryer to be safe'

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