Criticising your OH

[BarneyRumbleton]

Are you able to criticise or complain about your OH? How do you go about it in a nice, respectful way? DP thinks the way I speak to him is awful, but I think he's over sensitive.
E.g. Dishes are left for a few hours when it's his turn to wash up. (He does his fair share of housework.) Me: 'Are these pots waiting for me?'
Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today.
Me: 'What, raining on and off?'

We're both under a lot of stress and I'll admit I'm not exactly Mary Poppins.

How do your Ohs take complaints, requests or criticism?

Erm, act like adults it's really not difficult. Tell him what you want. If it's his turn to wash up then say so. That's not criticism that's communication

I struggle with this, OP.

I am a pretty straightforward person.

My MIL is very PA and does the little-girl thing when she wants stuff. Never asks a direct question.

My DH (esp in our early days) used to say I "made him feel small" when I asked him things/made comments. I am not saying I wasn't in the wrong at times. I watch myself because my mother set me a very bad example. But I simply cannot do what MIL does either! DH was brought up with that model and I sometimes feel he is comparing me unfavourably to MIL.

Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today
Me: 'What, raining on and off?

I honestly cannot see what's wrong with the above exchange so I'll hang out on this thread for a bit in an effort to find out what's wrong with it.

I'd see it as my DH saw the weather and thought it was nice for drying clothes but maybe hadn't seen the weather report for the rest of the day like I had and I was just letting him know.

Of late, I just do stuff myself instead of asking sometimes. Then he insists on helping even when I say I've got it. I think some of my rambling might be for another thread.

Anyway, I am watching this thread with interest

Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today
Me: 'What, raining on and off?

Ok this

1.why would you ask him to plug in the dryer that you were about to use

1. Of he says he would peg it out, tell him to go ahead?

1. Or say you are going to use the dryer because you prefer to or cba hanging it out

No need for snide or PA

There are other factors at play TBH. I am generally pretty angry with him for a number of reasons

I must confess I have a lot of underlying resentment for IMO very good reasons indeed. I guess it has to spill out one way or another!

I'll butt in and let you know the twisted workings of my mind

1.why would you ask him to plug in the dryer that you were about to use confused

I think the OP mentioned it was very awkward to reach and she wanted help with it. If I had that scenario, I guess I'd do the same. I know that if I went ahead and struggled with it DH would come to my aid. Probably the way MIL would handle it come to think of it. Struggle and sigh repeatedly. But a direct request for help is wrong?

2. Of he says he would peg it out, tell him to go ahead?

Because I've seen the forecast and I think it'll still be wet at the end of the day?

3. Or say you are going to use the dryer because you prefer to or cba hanging it out

If I did that, it's very likely DH would think I wasn't considering his opinion and just rejecting it out of hand. If I mention the dodgy weather, it is me at least giving a logical reason.

Sorry. Do I sound nuts?

I never said a direct request was wrong. In fact I said that acting like adults and communicating what they want is RIGHT.

I am a twat for missing the bit where it was awkward to plug in

I found your post helpful kings thanks

I struggle with this stuff, I really, really do. My parents (divorced) had a horrible marriage. My father was stubborn and quiet - my mother an aggressive shrew! I know I get loads wrong.

I've also got a history of abusive relationships so I sometimes wonder if my DH is playing silly buggers to get me off balance (he can be PA - his mother certainly is!!) or is it me?

I've found over time, that men generally don't see the urgency to do things like the dishes. Whereas women, can't relax until they're done.

I personally don't like being asked to do chores as a grown adult. I'll do what I need to do, when I get round to it.

If my DH tried to be sarcastic or PA about it, or would make me not want to do it at all. I left all that behind when I left my parent's house.

If there's something I can't do... Like heavy lifting or some electric work, then I ask nicely. I'd say "could you have a look at xxxx when you get a moment please babes"

I'm really laid-back about stuff in the house, though. Just as well. Once we had a bath in the kitchen for 6 months! I've just waited for a sink we bought 4 years ago to be installed. We are both laid-back on housework.

Here's an example of the kind of problem I've had. Sorry OP I'm hijacking your thread!!!

When MIL came for one of her two-week visits (I'm never consulted!) see was in the car with us. After he dropped me at work, I reminded DH to remember to pick up our theatres tickets when he got home. I had got tickets to the theatre so MIL could see a play which didn't interest either of us really but I knew MIL would like it.

When MIL heard me remind DH, she called me "Admiral Bossyboots" in her PA "jokey" way. Maybe I asked him the wrong tone of voice? Maybe I should have picked them up myself on the way out the door? I thought organising entertainment for his Mum was good enough of me, I just thought he could do something to help. If it were up to him, his mother would sit in the house staring at the wall while he was ignoring her.

I need to be more laid-back. Let him forget stuff. Don't nag. Or remind!' Or ask so gently he barely knows he's being asked.

I could give a great example my MIL gave of how HER mum taught her to ask for things from her husband. It involved vandalising a room she wanted redecorated. Yes, vandalism is okay, just so long as you don't ask for anything directly. A whole new world to me! This would have been in the 1920s so I suppose women had less of a voice then, but still!

Yes, vandalism is okay, just so long as you don't ask for anything directly.
I'm trying to think how I can work this into my day now...

LOL! My MIL is a strange woman IMO. But then maybe I could learn something from her

I do hope I haven't killed your thread OP! I suspect I am a bit of a thread-killer. I really would like a discussion about all this. Maybe I need to start another thread.

Flora, this is exactly me! My mum is pretty rude and can be aggressive at times, so I'm fighting against my upbringing quite a bit. She genuinely believes that's how people in families are, and I remember my grandma being awful to my grandad.
I don't want to be like that.
I also hate being asked to do chores, which is why DH does such a lot. He has no qualms asking me to do something, or worse, interfering while I'm doing something. Eg. Adjusting the heat on a pan I'm cooking with.

Glad for your contribution Flora! I was starting to thing I was a lone nutcase.

Thanks, Barney I would so love this thread to turn into a helpful one for Children of Rude Parents We need help!!!!

It's scary how hard it is to hear the way you speak and to change it.

I wonder if I sound sarcastic sometimes without meaning to?

An example:

Once at an old job, a woman brought in her dog. Just for a short time. Another girl and I dogsat it for half an hour which she went for an appointment. My supervisor came in after dog had left and I said, "Wouldn't it be great if we could have dogs in the office every day?" She looked slightly cross and said that she loves dogs and why not?

The thing is my comment was genuine!!! I've often thought offices would be improved by the addition of pets Maybe my wording was ambiguous. Perhaps I should have said straight out, "I would LOVE dogs in the office every day" and smiled when I said it.

I honestly think I am coming across wrong to people at times.

Maybe my voice has a tone? I've listened to it on recordings and of course all I can think of is how much I hate my voice!!!!!

Hopefully, some other posters will be along to help us. If not, I'll see what I can Google and let you know.

Just wanting to let you know, I am working with this too.

I was starting to thing I was a lone nutcase

Let's be nutcases together then

I'd find it brusque and a bit rude and it would affect my feelings over time. But I'm sensitive person and a relationship with someone who isn't mindful of that wouldn't work.

Hi there, Pushing!

Thanks for your post. If you have time, could you help us with this exchange, please?

Eg2 Me: Can you plug the dryer in please?
Him: I'd peg it out on a day like today.
Me: 'What, raining on and off?'

Could you tell us how you'd ask for help (bearing in mind OP can't reach plug without DH help).

I'd really like to see concrete examples of the way others would make this request. I can't see what's wrong. I am happy to be wrong, but I need to see what is should look like.

I'd personally say the last bit as something like 'it's been raining a bit, let's use the dryer'. Tone also has a lot to do with it. I wouldn't like it much, but I'm sensitive as I explained.

That was really helpful, thanks! I would never have thought of your wording, but now I do see how it sounds softer, kinder. It sounds less like a bald statement as if DH is wrong for his suggestion. I think I might be getting the hang of this now!

Yes, I agree, tone likely has much to do with it. I read somewhere about how much of our tone is involved in communication - at least as much as the words themselves.

I wonder how I sounded to MIL when I reminded him about the theatre tickets? Gosh, I can't even remember how I put it, it was so long ago. But I do remember being called "Admiral Bossyboots"

Do you really do fair shares of domestic work? You seem to think that you do more than your fair share.

It's not good to be dependent on DH to plug in the tumble dryer: if it can't be made more convenient and you can't reach the high window, you could get a step thingy.

My DH does his fair share but is weirdly picky about some types of domestic work and comments frequently on the "right" way to do things or my supposedly lower standards: I ignore him. He could never leave dishes for hours, for example, even if we had guests.

I think if I'm pissed off, I sound it. Maybe not making requests when pissed off is the trick.
Surely everyone gets annoyed with their partner at times though?

I think maybe I'm pissed off too much

It's nice that you're trying to change it. It's hard to do - you obviously don't mean to sound abrupt!

On the dryer example after his response to your request I'd've said "I'm going to use the dryer in case it rains" and repeated the request.