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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Surely he should put some effort in for this?

32 replies

NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 20:55

I'm feeling so low. My birthday is two days. It's a fairly significant one. Husband has done nothing. Nothing at all. Almost crying as I write this. I've arranged my own cake. He hasn't even bothered to buy a card. My children will be sad as one of them keeps saying she wants to give me my card. I tried on a pair of shoes a couple of weeks back with him but they weren't quite right and tonight he said oh well I was going to buy those shoes. I mentioned an artwork that is really close to his work and that we've walked past a few times. Nope. Hasn't even arranged any flowers. Basically waiting for me to initiate my own birthday. No wonder I feel bloody stressed. I don't want much. Even just a card and a pot plant for ffs from my dd. he doesn't care. I feel so sad. Unloved. I always, always secretly hope he might have arranged something, and then feel angry and upset when I have to drop hints/send links etc cos he's to emotionally lazy (he does other things eg house chores) to care.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/04/2017 20:57

Either arrange something with a friend or your dc and have a lovely time.

My ex ruined my 40th so I feel your pain. .

JennyHolzersGhost · 13/04/2017 20:58

Happy nearly-birthday OP Flowers

Believeitornot · 13/04/2017 21:00

How do you know he hasn't arranged something?

Northernparent68 · 13/04/2017 21:01

Maybe he has organised something and it's a surprise

SleepFreeZone · 13/04/2017 21:01

Yep, I can see how upsetting that would be. If you feel unloved in your relationship anyway then special occasions that go uncelebrated are just source of pain. In your position I would go out with someone else and spend some money and have some drinks.

Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 21:15

To those people asking whether he has arranged a surprise, he hasn't. I asked him tonight to see if he had bothered, as he never has in the last even pre-children and I got the the walking away, can't really be arsed to talk about it, sorry but not sorry.

OP posts:
Believeitornot · 13/04/2017 21:16

Well then tell him that you're hurt and upset.

Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 21:17

Sleepfreezone - thanks for understanding. I feel so embarrassed that I don't want any of my friends or family to know. I hate it when people at work will ask how my birthday was.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 13/04/2017 21:17

Why are you with him?

RandomMess · 13/04/2017 21:19

I've been there, it's hideous, my 40th was one of the worst days of my life in some ways.

Now he tries but I just don't care anymore - too little, too late.

Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 21:23

Pinky red rose- because I'm a coward?

OP posts:
Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 21:28

No point telling him how I feel. He is a blamer. He lost his sunglasses at a cafe last week, and he said "well if I hadn't been doing this with dd" essentially blaming her. He never says sorry. It's always sorry, but..... If I say anything eg last week he had turned in a hob and put the pan on it empty (no oil etc) but was sat on the sofa and I said "the hob is on and it's empty" he got shirty and was saying 'just let me get on with cooking will you?' In such a nasty tone. I just retreat to upstairs. I don't want to say anything any more.

OP posts:
user1473256244 · 13/04/2017 21:28

my ex-DP never got me an Xmas or bday card or prezzie despite my telling him how it upset me.
I'm leaving as I'm worth more.
I have no kids though.........thank goodness.......

UpYerGansey · 13/04/2017 21:28

I'd book a late lunch reservation somewhere nice, invite your bf, your dds, and treat yourself.
And its socks all the way for him from here to eternity (assuming you stay with the dick).
Been there.

DPotter · 13/04/2017 21:30

Sorry - its sad when you don't feel appreciated and loved.
Look - he's treating you like shit. You can either let it ride or you can do something. Your birthday is on Saturday - so what would You like to do on Saturday with your children ? breakfast somewhere nice, day at the seaside, shopping? Take your children, yourself and anyone else who you would like to invite and make a day of it, without DH. But tell him he's paying. Alternatively kick them all out of bed tomorrow and give your 'D'H a list of things to do - card, flowers, wine chocs, whatever. He may be a boring ol' arse but there's no reason for him to ruin your day and that of your kids.

The more you let it lie, the more he will step away. Is there someone - mutual friend MIL, your mum, someone who can give him a kick up the backside ? Whenever I go to weddings there's always something about family and friends providing support for the newly married couple - time to claim that support. Don't be embarrassed.

If he doesn't / refuses to step up - time to consider your long term options. Remember one definition of madness is to continue doing the same thing in the hope of things changing when they never have before.

WhiskyTangoFoxtrot · 13/04/2017 21:33

Hang on in there for a few days.

Think if something lovely to do with your DC on your birthday - perhaps with friends/family who value you. Create good things for that day.

Sure, it could have been your DH who did it, but you matter despite his actions, and you are the captain of your soul. Feed it well that day. Live yourself like youbwouid reach out with live tona friend.

Get through the birthday, then engage brains. Your situation sounds grim. What can you do to change it?

If it's not susceptible to change, it might be time to start planning how you can exit.

DPotter · 13/04/2017 21:34

Your not a coward - you've have been pushed down over the years and it takes its toll. There's no rush to make a move - but start to think about an alternative life and some steps to improve your life.

Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 22:04

Thank you everyone. I don't really have much support here as my family live a long way away and aren't great. Father doesn't contact me and mother is well meaning but completely lacking in common sense. I really lack emotional support altogether so it's really hard. Need a supportive partner who gets me but that hasn't happened. Feel like a failure. Not really sure how to get out of the situation as although he offers nothing emotionally, I need his support practically. Could get by ok financially (but would have to scrimp more) but can't manage toddlers alone plus working full time. I am going to have a nice day though! I am determined. I do feel like I will leave him, but once small ones are teenagers and more independent. Probably sell house and move away from this area entirely. No idea how divorce works and he will probably refuse/blame me.

OP posts:
DelphiniumBlue · 13/04/2017 22:22

He sounds horrible, no wonder you're upset.
I wouldn't wait until the DC are teenagers before leaving him. Children can be pretty independent long before then - once they're in school, it's probably easier to manage them by yourself than with some joyless git dragging you down.
As for your upcoming birthday, tell the DC you would like a surprise card, and make sure they have access to materials to make one, assuming they're old enough ( 5+?). Make yourself a plan for the day doing nice things, and if you feel like it, tell him why he's not included ( only as you are waltzing out the door, not before, don't want to give him a chance to moan at you on your birthday.
The alternative is to tell him right now you'll be very upset if you don't get breakfast in bed/lunch out/ pressie ( specify what) - just because he doesn't done it yet doesn't mean there's not time. And if he still doesn't, you know where you stand.

Original poster
NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 22:49

Delphi um blue- if I left toddlers to make a surprise card I would probably have a surprise wall murual too! Did I mention he works part time to my full time....

OP posts:
Ginandpanic · 13/04/2017 23:33

Give yourself the best birthday present possible op, a new start without your joy sucking dh.

Isetan · 14/04/2017 01:09

This is who he is and has always been, why do you keep expecting him to be different? You won't leave him, instead opting to martyr yourself for ten years or more. Your marriage is your children's primary relationship role model, is this the best you can do? At some stage OP you are going to have to start to prioritise your needs.

Hand wringing and feeling sorry for yourself aren't effective catalysts for improvement. You aren't without power, you've just opted to surrender it.

It's time to start investing in your emotional wellness.

DelphiniumBlue · 14/04/2017 01:16

Oh dear, didn't realise they were so little! Shame he can't help them make something.
So if he's working part time, he's really got no excuse. I do think you should tell him what you want, spell it out if you have to. If he still can't step up, then you'd be totally justified in a) taking yourself out for the say without him and b) starting work on an exit plan.

junebirthdaygirl · 14/04/2017 02:41

Sometimes you need to let rip. Especiallly if you dont usually..So let him know that if there is not a proper fuss made of your birthday there will be changes. If it doesnt happen go away to a hotel on your own for a night or with a friend.
But l think the birthday is only the tip of the iceberg..l find in my own relationship if things are going well l dont give two hoots about my birthday but when we were going through a bad patch l was obsessed aout how my birthday was marked.

bearandwolf · 14/04/2017 02:49

My dh is like this. So last year I said sod it and arranged my own birthday night with my friend. I stayed out all day and most of the night doing everything I wanted to do. I mentioned it to him briefly a day before and he was like oh I thought we'd do something together. Yeah right. So I said well we've never done anything together before for it so I thought it best I just sort something nice out so I have a great one this year. This year he offered me a day out. Too late. I am planning to get rid now so try to avoid doing anything with him.
I would suggest you just go out. Even if it's alone just do a day somewhere. We have to take responsibility for our own feelings sometimes. You can say he's a blamer but you're blaming him for making you feel crap. I was the same. I do so many things alone now and if you think you might leave him try it. It will get you used to enjoying not dragging around someone who actually doesn't improve things anyway!