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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Right..... change of tack needed.

29 replies

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 19:45

Ok..... I'm dealing with a man child. Cycle we are in is...... narky... digs... passive aggressive comments..... these build to full blown over reaction, spit his dummy out tantrum. Followed by being blanked then for a couple of days, then when he decides to discuss it turns it round on me.... I talked down to him, or I showed him lack of respect etc etc. Then we have about a day of moping, woe is me, you don't love me anyway while he makes passive aggressive digs, oh you do love me then if you'll make me a tea.... etc etc. I am fully aware of the cycle o find myself in, I'm keeping a diary of incidents etc and building a picture. My question is this..... currently I ignore all comments behaviours in this cycle, I want to change tack. Is it going to work if o respond with..... that was rude/ that was unnecessary/ that was unkind/ that was passive aggressive etc etc. So I'm responding, not engaging in any arguments, not getting upset but also not ignoring which I think gives the message - say and do what you like, I don't care.
What do you think??

OP posts:

Original poster

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 19:46

Sorry about iPhone typos :(

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/04/2017 19:48

Personally save the energy you would be using to engage in his mind games and use it to ltb.

Original poster

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 19:59

I'm well aware of this..... looking at short term solutions alongside long term goals.... need to diminish atmosphere for me and dcs in most productive way possible for life to be less horrendous. And hopefully hit home ever so slightly!!??

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TheTabardOfDoom · 13/04/2017 20:05

I too think you would be wasting an awful lot of energy for bugger all return but I am as cynical as fuck! I really and truly believe men like this are incapable of change once they are like this past puberty - genuinely.

TheTabardOfDoom · 13/04/2017 20:09

Pressed too soon. So in short your most productive way possible for life to be less horrendous is to put at least the length of half a town between him and you and your DC every day and night, forever apart from contact obviously.

Original poster

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 20:11

I just need some kind of response! Wondered if anyone had pearls of wisdom.... or experience! My previous tack of reacting caused horrible stress and atmosphere. My ignoring tactic isn't having any impact or delivering any message! I know nothing I do will change his behaviour, but need to respond in some way that also minimises his opportunity to then blame me for atmosphere :(

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Original poster

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 20:26

I don't meant I need s response on here!! I mean a response to use! Didn't mean to sound shirty
😬

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/04/2017 20:28

Just ignore him. Keep the radio on and sing along enjoying your day. .
Used to drive exh nuts to think I was actually enjoying being ignored!!
Plot and scheme during the peace!!

Original poster

Feelingoverit · 13/04/2017 20:38

I'm fine ignoring being ignored.... it's the build up to explosion I don't know how to respond to.... dig after dig after moan after passive aggressive comment. And then the woe is me moping after he's decided to stop ignoring me days later but hasn't discovered me sitting grateful and attentive, thankful that he has deemed me worthy of some attention. If I keep ignoring he manages to then blame me for sulking or bearing a grudge 😬

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TheStoic · 13/04/2017 22:18

Honestly, no response is going to make him suddenly see the light.

Obsidian77 · 13/04/2017 22:22

He sounds like a nightmare. Do you have professional support with this?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 13/04/2017 22:26

It all sounds so soul destroying for you and a horrible atmosphere to live in. You're not his emotional punchbag and shouldn't have to diffuse his foul moods. It's bordering on emotional abuse and no one deserves to be treated like that

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/04/2017 22:28

Deep down you still think his behaviour is somewhat reasonable because you are thinking you need to respond in some way that also minimises his opportunity to then blame me for atmosphere

This isn't a logic puzzle in a computer game where if you press exactly the right button at exactly the right time the secret door will open.

He will always blame you. He already twists things ridiculously to put the blame on you. He already has zero acceptable reasons for blaming you.

The magic button is not caring that he blames you. When you find it funny and roll your eyes and feel zero urge to defend yourself then you've found the secret passage.

Have you actually started proceedings to LTB or are you still hoping to find the magic words that change his personality?

Seeingadistance · 13/04/2017 22:45

LTB!

Wolfiefan · 13/04/2017 22:50

Why are you trying to manage this shitty behaviour? LTB. Poor kids in the middle of this.

noego · 13/04/2017 23:25

His thoughts are his thoughts based on his perception and his judgements, this has become his reality. There is nothing you can do to change this. But you can see the insanity of it and realise that it is a mental illness and therefore needs treating. One can only have love and compassion for someone who is this ill. For your emotional health you need to see this illness for what it is. You are not trained to deal with it. So the best course of action is to not have interest in it. If you resist it will persist. Don't let this disease drag you down and don't get infected by it. When you are ready get yourself and DC's out of there.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2017 04:37

He sounds like a gaslighting, mommy's boy jackass. Don't give in to that bullshit. Why are you even with him?

ninjapants · 14/04/2017 06:01

I've been there so so many times too, I sympathise OP
While LTB is good advice it doesn't answer the question you asked and may not be something you can, or want, to do immediately.

Why don't you try this: instead of trying to change what he does, change what YOU do. Stop thinking you can change him, because you can't, however you can change your response to minimise the effect it has on you and your DC.

When the cycle starts take a mental step back to distance yourself (it's him that's creating the situation, not you). Tell him how what he is saying and doing makes you feel at the point in the 'cycle' you think it's appropriate to do so (not at the blow up stage), keep it calm and topical, don't refer to other similar occasions, and don't attack him. Then ignore the rest of his nonsense and continue with life as normal. Keep in mind that you are extremely unlikely to influence his behaviour, the aim is to minimise the effect it has on you and your DCs.

What this will do is make you feel stronger as you are controlling your response and taking that away from him. He can no longer dictate or predict the pattern and he won't like that. Do not hope for him to change for the better, he won't.

It sounds like you've already started thinking about your future. Use your new found strength start planning how you want to live, then make that happen. No matter how long you've been living with this emotional abuse you and your DCs do not have to do so forever. The road ahead may seem long but you will get to where you want to be. Good luck!

MaxwellAndPeterson · 14/04/2017 07:43

I've got experience of this and I have tried every tactic possible: ignoring him, using humour, pointing out how rude he is being, telling him how he makes me feel and trying to talk to him about our fall-out like an adult.

Nothing works. Nothing. He's just got worse and worse as the years have gone by. Now I've gone back to ignoring him until he's got over himself - leaving the house if I can, different rooms of the house, etc. I want him to think that he doesn't bother me. I'm not engaging in his games anymore. Someone on another thread told me to 'emotionally detach' from him and that's what I'm doing.

Sorry, there is no response that works in my experience. Someone upthread said they believe men like this are incapable of change once they are like this past puberty. And sadly, after 20 years of experience, I agree with that.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/04/2017 07:50

As awful as it is, your first post reads like someone dealing with a very young child; pointing out "that wasn't very kind" etc is only really suitable for children. He knows he's unkind, he knows he's speaking to you like shit, he knows he's causing hurt. He just doesn't care enough to stop.

How you deal with that is beyond me. I don't think you can minimise it, or lessen the atmosphere or reduce the impact it has on your DC; they're going to sense it and possibly grow up thinking that this is normality. That alone is worrying, let alone the fact that you're going to remain with someone who actively seeks to control and hurt you (and it makes no odds if the hurt is physical or emotional; hurt is hurt). Please, please think about the fact that this doesn't have to be your situation.

AlternativeTentacle · 14/04/2017 08:05

Whatever tactics you try ain't gonna work love.

This is typical, you try all the tricks in the book and the root of the issue is you just married a nasty piece of work.

The only way of diminishing the effects on the kids is to give them a different house to live in away from this person.

LiveLifeWithPassion · 14/04/2017 08:18

I'll just answer your question, even though I agree that he probably won't change - how about saying something along the lines of 'oh here we go again. This is so predictable. I guess you'll try to get back to normality after 3 days of abusive and immature behaviour so piss off so I don't need to put up with it'

Ie let him know you're on to this shitty cycle and you're not going to take it any more.

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 14/04/2017 08:39

Just reading specifically what you have said about him op
I am wondering what he's gaining by this behaviour. There are two possible answers.
He is either using it as a control method on you..I would think eventually you need to Ltb and read "why do they do that" by Ludy bancroft to get it straight in your head what he is doing
Or
Or He has established a faulty thinking pattern..Which kind of looks possible too, it's look a little like he is externalising the source of his happiness, perhaps believing you are responsible for if he is happy / not happy..And as this is hugely innefective he is going to rarely actually be happy and you are getting shit loads of blame for that.
Perhaps check this and ask him what he could be doing right now/ today that would make him happy, and see if he deflects that to things that you could do that would make him happy instead.

isitjustme2017 · 14/04/2017 13:33

My dp is like this. I find completely ignoring and actually blanking works fairly well. I think my dp enjoys my reactions sometimes. I'm trying to separate from him at the moment. Since I emotionally detached from him, he has actually stopped with all the snidey comments and digs (because he now doesn't get the reaction he wants and knows I don't give s sh*t).

Original poster

Feelingoverit · 14/04/2017 13:52

Thank you all so much. This is really quick, will reply properly later.... he is now asking why I'm being 'off' we are away with friends for weekend. What do I say!!! Without antagonising and keeping the peace!

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