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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Forgive & forget?

40 replies

confused36 · 13/04/2017 12:37

NC for this so apologies if I don't give too much background. I'm looking for other's experiences of marriage salvage after infidelity.

We're both fragile and there's a lot of issues and reasons telling me NOT to take him back after his 10 month (he says emotional only) affair. Most of these issues are my own feelings. Distrust is the main one. She'll always be on my shoulder now won't she? His relationship with her will never leave our marriage. Every time he checks his phone, goes on a work do - I'll always be wondering. Or does that get better?

Can you ever move past infidelity? Especially after being so very hurt and betrayed. I don't want to throw away 20+ years if there's a chance. And this is the first time he's ever done this. I love him and he says he loves me.

We've not actually decided yet to reconcile. But he's making definite moves towards it I'm sure.

He's got depression and he's seeking help for it. Maybe that's the cause of all this I'm not sure. Or maybe he's not depressed at all and is just struggling with his guilt and confusion. That's for him to sort and decide whilst we're apart.

How can he ever repair this? Has anyone managed to move forward after something so catastrophic in your relationship?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2017 12:43

How did you find out about it, did he tell you? And has he gone nc wth the OW?

It's good he's getting help for his depression. Would you consider going to counselling together?

I couldn't take him back if it was me. 10 months isn't a tiny slip up, it's a massive commitment to deception. But if you want to try and reconcile it's up to him to be making most of the effort and if he's not 100% going to then it's going to be nearly impossible to struggle on together.

Do you believe it was only emotional? Whether or not you do may depend on whether you caught him at it or he ended it and then told you about it.

Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 12:48

He originally left me saying he was unhappy. Following 'the script' to every word. I found out about his affair through my digging 3 months later.
We've now been separated for nearly 5 months. And I know at least he was still in contact with her for 2 months post split. I don't know about now. I only know he seems to be turning his attentions to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 12:49

To be honest, wether they had sex or not is irrelevant to me. Infidelity in any form is horrific. Although I think I do believe him that they've not had sex.

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Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 12:54

God, I'm reading back on myself through this thread and I know what I'd advise someone else to do. 😢

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Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 13/04/2017 12:58

10 months and no sex??????? Grin

FritzDonovan · 13/04/2017 12:58

So he left you after the EA started, without a word about it, and continued with it...
Why is he wanting to get back together? It sounds very much as if he wanted to explore a relationship with her and for whatever reason it didn't work out for him. That's why he's back. If I were you I would be constantly wondering when he would get the urge for someone new again. A difficult decision, but if you knew how far the relationship went and his reasons for coming back it might help you decide whether he's worth a second chance or not.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 12:59

No you will never forget, in time you may forgive yes but it could take years to get there.

I'm afraid a for me a ten month affair with no sex is just not believable as most affairs are based on a sexual attraction so for that reason I'd not be giving him much time as I'd think he has not told the whole story here. Have you ever heard her side of the story, I'd want to know what she had to say before I made any decision about him.

Do they work together, if so, he'd also have to leave his job, no way I'd be spending my life worrying about what he's doing with her.

He left you under a blanket of lies, telling you he was unhappy but not giving you the actual truth; perhaps you can reconcile but I think it's a long hard road ahead and you need to decide if he's worth all your effort.

Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 13:03

This is why I wonder if he's even depressed at all. Maybe he's just had his realisation of what he's lost and feels very guilty and confused. He's not actually said the words 'can I come back'
But he's definitely putting the feelers out there.

I suppose if we do decide to reconcile we would have to sit down and set conditions.

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Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 13:05

He's scarred me though. How can he ever heal my confidence shattering & my distrust? We can never be the same again. I've changed as a result of this and I still feel very very fragile. I can see he does too.

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magoria · 13/04/2017 13:16

He left you for another woman. How would you ever get passed that.

Just because he has realised the grass actually isn't greener doesn't make it go away.

I don't think you could ever trust him again.

MadameCholetsDirtySecret · 13/04/2017 13:19

He feels fragile. Oh the poor thing. Hmm
OP if you take him back you won't have any peace. You will be walking on eggshells- it will be intolerable and you will start to despise yourself for selling yourself short.
You aren't throwing away 20 years by leaving. You are starting a new chapter with untold options.
I know what I am talking about. I took mine back. It was hell. I finally left and have never been better.

yetmorecrap · 13/04/2017 14:17

Was this an emotional affair, reciprocated both ways ? Or was it like my DH a one sided limerence/crush kind of thing, if it was both ways it is more likely there was a physical element with that length of time .

SparklingRaspberry · 13/04/2017 14:27

I've always imagined emotional affairs to be worse than physical affairs where it's just sex.

I think eventually I may be able to get past the sex one, but I would find it extremely hard to get over an emotional affair.

I have seen couples who couldn't work it out I've seen other couples who could. It depends on the action taken by the person who's had the affair.

Saying sorry and being on their best behaviour for a few months isn't enough.

What is he doing to prove himself? Is he just going through the motion? Is he getting help because he thinks that's what he should be doing, or is he doing it because he genuinely does want help?

But most importantly, do you think you can get over it? Do you want to?

HolditFinger · 13/04/2017 14:32

It sounds like he's discovered that the grass isn't as green as he thought and it's bitten him on the arse, so now he's feeling sorry for himself.

He left you. He lied to your face.

It's natural to mourn how things used to be, but his behaviour changed that. Things won't ever be the same again.

Please leave this man where he belongs - in the bin.

noego · 13/04/2017 14:50

You can forgive but you can never forget. Your mind will never let you forget and you will imprison yourself and make yourself ill with those mistrustful thoughts. Grieve for what you have lost and move on. Its the only way.

RogueBiscuit · 13/04/2017 15:04

I'm sorry op. I think "the script" is still playing out.

Affairs often fizzle out once someone is free to peruse them. There's no more drama or excitement. Once the thrill of doing something forbidden has gone these affairs often just end. The thrill was usually not the affair partner, but the secrecy of it all.

His depression is also likely to be a result of his affair ending, not the cause of it. I think you are still in the script. The script suggests that you will support him through his depression, take him back, and after you have done all the work of reconciliation he will do it again.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 15:07

Very good point made above; his depression is very convenient isn't it; if anyone has the right to be down it's the OP; these men make me sick with their self pitying manipulation.

Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 15:58

Yetmore I've just had to look up limerence because I'd not heard the term before. I honestly don't know the extent of their relationship and will only ever have his side to rely on unless I contacted her. So I'm actually not sure.

If we did decide to move forward together I suppose he'd have to tell me what they discussed together and I'm not sure I could take that.

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RogueBiscuit · 13/04/2017 16:22

I honestly don't know the extent of their relationship

You cannot forgive or accept what you don't know. You just can't. I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal, but this is not what remorse or reconciliation looks like.

www.chumplady.com/2013/07/reconciliation-and-entitlement/

There's a funny scene in the film Bad Moms where one of the characters comments to a betrayed wife that it's raining cocks. It really is. There's plenty of men out there who will appreciate you. Personally I'd be out dating. In between my enthusiastic shagging marathons I'd see a solicitor.

Dildals123 · 13/04/2017 16:32

It is possible to move past infidelity, but it is hard. You need to both want to move past it, it shouldn't be because you feel you should, because you have been together for x years. You will figure out in which camp you are as you go along. You have been together for so long that it will take a while to figure out where you want to be, and that's fine, take your time and go with your gut feeling.

Winning back the trust is the hard part, and again, that needs time and potentially never fully recovers. If you decide to go forward with your DH set some rules in place that makes you feel you can trust him, things like he calls when he's staying late at work, or whatever it is for your situation.

I know the 'popular' response would be to LTB, but in the end it is only you who can decide where you want to be and whether there is a future here. People make mistakes, that's fine, it's how you respond to them that counts.

Good luck OP x

MaidenMotherCrone · 13/04/2017 16:41

We moved past it, I forgave him and things turned out great. Right up until 5 years later when I found out the real extent of his 'depression', how many other people he'd shared his depression with over the years and the current 'sharing'.

5 years of never being able to relax. You will never forget how he's made you feel. Never.

Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 17:30

I think the cruel thing is though, he's still saying he's confused about what he wants. He wants to sort his head before he decides. But then also giving me very positive messages - flirty texts and saying he loves me. But also saying he's not sure what he wants.

God, I really do know what I should be doing with this relationship.

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Gallavich · 13/04/2017 17:34

Jen cheated for ten whole months
He left you with a lie because he didn't tell you he was cheating
He still didn't confess until you found out
He's still hedging his bets and saying he doesn't know what he wants

Basically he's a liar and a cheat who never actually repented but his affair ended and he wants to know he's still got you as an option.
Hang on to your self respect and stay apart from him.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 13/04/2017 17:37

So he's had an affair, left, then its not worked out and is making noises about going back to you.
Except he's not sure.
Is this what you want? Someone who isn't sure?
My advice would be to take plenty of time for yourself. Be selfish. Make your own mind up about what you want. If you don't want to put up with him messing you around any more, you don't have to.

Original poster
confused36 · 13/04/2017 17:49

I think I know I'm my heart it's over. Thank you everyone. You've only said what I was actually thinking but too hopeful to admit. And his reluctance to commit to a reconciliation now is just further cruelty

OP posts:
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