Forgive & forget?

[confused36]

NC for this so apologies if I don't give too much background. I'm looking for other's experiences of marriage salvage after infidelity.

We're both fragile and there's a lot of issues and reasons telling me NOT to take him back after his 10 month (he says emotional only) affair. Most of these issues are my own feelings. Distrust is the main one. She'll always be on my shoulder now won't she? His relationship with her will never leave our marriage. Every time he checks his phone, goes on a work do - I'll always be wondering. Or does that get better?

Can you ever move past infidelity? Especially after being so very hurt and betrayed. I don't want to throw away 20+ years if there's a chance. And this is the first time he's ever done this. I love him and he says he loves me.

We've not actually decided yet to reconcile. But he's making definite moves towards it I'm sure.

He's got depression and he's seeking help for it. Maybe that's the cause of all this I'm not sure. Or maybe he's not depressed at all and is just struggling with his guilt and confusion. That's for him to sort and decide whilst we're apart.

How can he ever repair this? Has anyone managed to move forward after something so catastrophic in your relationship?

I think the very least he should be doing is absolutely assuring you of his love and apologising in a heart-felt way for the pain he has caused you.

Half-heartedly "putting feelers out" but not committing himself to anything - nah.

You are his fallback option. He is still trying to work it out with his affair partner but in case he can't, he's keeping you on stand by. You deserve much much better than this. He's treated you despicably and I think you know you will never forgive him. Please liberate yourself from his pathetic drama.

I've took a massive dip ladies.

He made moves of reaching out to me and we've slept together. First I was giddy and now I'm on the floor again. Feel used and horrid all over again. He was very positive post act towards me. Didn't go cold on me or anything. But he's still wanting to address his 'confusion' before we discuss 'us' again.

Maybe he has me exactly where he wants me. Maybe he is confused. Maybe he's really just a horrid person. I'm not sure. Why would he still be confused?? Oh!

He's seeing the dr next week anyway for his 'depression'
The link below is a path I feel he's followed to the letter. Maybe there's hope. I just don't know.

thestagesandlessonsofmidlife.org/the-six-stages-of-a-mid-life-crisis/

I've also looked specifically at depression in men. Covert depression is destructive. And often goes undiagnosed.

Then again, maybe he's just had his cake....

Oh dear. Never mind, you don't have to keep on that path, just because you slept together.

Why would you settle for someone who isn't sure they want to be with you? Please value yourself higher.

Mine claimed depression, but it was just anything to keep me hanging on.

Doesn't matter what it is. MLC./depression/covert depression or any other label. HE has to deal with it. HE needs to get his mind set right and then when he has done that can make the rational decision about HIS relationship. if you get connected to this it will bring you down, which it is already doing. The (whatever it is) is being projected on to you. Causing you to have the same symptoms.

What a total arsehole he is.

Text him: having had sex with you again it's reminded me that you're rather crap at it, so it's made up my mind that we're definitely over. I know you've been angling for me to take you back - but it's not fair to you if I let you think that might happen. Sorry - hope you don't feel used about last night.

Turn the tables

FWIW I think the "I don't know why I did it" and "I don't know what I want" are very common in cheaters. I certainly got them in spades from my exH (married 22 years) and stupidly took them at face value and hung on 18 months longer than I should have done. All that time he went between me and OW telling me he was terribly anguished and didn't know what he wanted.

I only really wised up when he broke up with OW and started up with a new OW and told me if I could just wait until Christmas (it was June!) that he would know what he wanted then. FFS even I saw the light then. Actually he had already booked to take new OW to Barbados at Christmas in a foursome with our oldest friends (great friends they turned out to be) and didn't want to lose out on his holiday....

"I don't know" actually means "I know I don't want you but I'm not man enough to say so and I'm enjoying having two women both dancing attendance on me making me feel like God's gift".

Depression is just a convenient label for "Occasionally recognises that he has been a complete shit and feels bad about it briefly so looks for an excuse".

Bin him lovely, he's just not worth it.

Nothing to add, but just to say I hope you're okay today. Here's some and from me.

I think about it over and over. Analysing it to pieces. I'm on AD's through all this.

Yet, if he didn't love me then he'd have nothing to lose by telling me the truth. But he's persistently telling me that nothing happened past a bit of flirting. So why lie? If he doesn't care about me?

Also, we've spent many many years together and for him to do this is completely shocking to my core. Cliche but I just never thought he'd ever do this.

I've really let myself down by having sex with him. Because I was doing so good and feeling loads better. But I did text him the very next day and told him I felt we'd made a mistake. It was my attempt to build my barrier up a bit again.

I just hope he got that message

Regardless of affairs - just don't ever be in a relationship with someone who can't say with utter conviction "of course I know what I want! I want you!"
You are worth that, everyone is.

Fuck whether he got the message! Don't worry about him!
So you had sex and wish you hadn't... happens! Box it off, don't beat yourself up. You've not let yourself down.

You had one slice of cake or one cigarette that wasn't worth the slip... not the end of the world

Yet, if he didn't love me then he'd have nothing to lose by telling me the truth.

Of course he'd have something to lose - his back up plan. He needs you waiting for him for as long as it takes him to decide what he wants.

Yet, if he didn't love me then he'd have nothing to lose by telling me the truth.
They just don't like to own up to shitty behaviour, as they've already justified it in their own head and don't see themselves as that person. Don't think it's anything to do with loving you. Sorry

So he thought the grass greener.
He's realised it isn't.
He knows you'd always be there as his back up plan.
And you are considering this???
Wow!
I couldn't get over it!
They had to be dumped so I could get my life and my sanity back.