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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Good man does bad things? Is sporadic abuse still abuse?

42 replies

ExtraJudgeyPants · 13/04/2017 12:04

Have seen really good advice on here, please help me.

Been with DH 7 years, married 5. DS aged 3.

95% of the time DH really good, not perfect, but who is. He supports whatever I want to do financially, practically and emotionally (been sahm now trying to get back into work) and yes we fall out and have disagreements but just normal stuff.

But he also has explosive rages that seem to come out of nowhere. A "normal" disagreement can turn extremely nasty with a huge amount of disgusting verbal abuse, threats, physical aggression (not hitting) and damage to possesions.

He has always had trouble managing emotions and from the start of our relationship i begged him to get help (i have issues too & have been in and out of therapy) but he said no. i should have walked away then in hindsight.

After the last time i said 1 more chance and he has actually had some hypnotherapy to help him. I dont really think he has changed deep down though & feel like its only a matter of time. I feel guilty as have started to disconnect from the relationship.

I guess i wanted opinions on whether it sounded so bad? Was once every 6months roughly for ages but recently more frequent and i cant let it happen infront of DS again. I find the Jekyll and Hyde thing so confusing, had an abusive aggressive controlling partner in the past but he was like that more consistently so it made more "sense".

Sorry for the length of this, please I'm begging for your input here. RL got no one.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 13/04/2017 12:10

Abuse is abuse OP and he sound horrendous, especially when you are exposing a child to this, so not fair.

He wont change OP, it's who he is, I think you know that; nobody should have to put up with any of that, never mind every six months or so, ridiculous. He has no intention of getting help or he would have by now.

Puddington · 13/04/2017 12:13

It does sound bad OP, sorry Sad

I know it's an old chestnut but it's true: "the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE". It's not even that it was just a one-off, once every six months is really quite frequent and now it's escalating. Abusers do not "wind down" once they have escalated; I'm very worried for you. You've given him a chance to change and get help, he flat-out said no. Now you owe it to yourself and your son to get away from this Flowers

Puddington · 13/04/2017 12:16

Also FWIW that 95% of the time he seems "good" is probably also part of the cycle of abuse, where he's nice to you in order to make you question yourself or feel guilty and less likely to leave.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 12:35

Also your title should really be: bad man does some good things because essentially that's the truth.

monkeywithacowface · 13/04/2017 12:38

Does he have explosive, violent rages with other family members, colleagues, bosses, random strangers in the street? Or is it just you? If it's just you then he is more than capable of managing his emotions he's just choosing not too with you.

Aussiemum78 · 13/04/2017 12:41

My ex was only abusive when he needed to be....basically when he didn't get his way, which wasn't very often. He was still abusive, it wasn't temper it was the need to be entitled and in control.

Even when it's not often it can still turn deadly....the final straw with my ex was losing his "temper" - and punching our daughter in the face.

HecateAntaia · 13/04/2017 12:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2017 12:51

Abusive people aren't usually abusive all the time. The good times don't compensate for the bad times though. I think you know the answer to your own question op

Noodles4Me · 13/04/2017 12:54

How come you have no one in RL? Where are your family and friends?

Original poster
ExtraJudgeyPants · 13/04/2017 13:23

Thanks for the replies

After the last outburst he has made some effort by going to hypnotherapy sessions but as i say i dont really believe its been a magic cure (like he does). and feel its a bit too late anyway.

I have been used to telling edited versions of events to people for years so have kept my self in denial. Think i need to lean on a friend or 2 now but family wise no one i am comfortable with.

I am gobsmacked by the responses i have really been deluding myself. The months between each outburst gave enough time for me to "forget" & i always held the threshold of being hit in my head.i believe he did the same tbh like if i dont hit her roughing her up a bit or dragging her around is ok.

OP posts:
Smeaton · 13/04/2017 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 13:45

if i dont hit her roughing her up a bit or dragging her around is ok.

Awful and massively not normal.

Bet he'd not rough up and drag a man about though eh.

Happyinthehills · 13/04/2017 13:49

Surely the point is that even if he does it only occasionally its affecting you all of the time.

kathkim · 13/04/2017 13:50

Yes, it's still abuse. The stats are that abuse escalates so it won't end at being sporadic. Once is once too often anyway.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 13:51

Exactly Happy.

WhooooAmI24601 · 13/04/2017 13:53

Abuse is abuse no matter how often and how severe. It all falls into that same category, and nobody would think "oh but he's lovely the rest of the time" and accuse you of being over-dramatic if you were to open up about it. Underplaying it like this doesn't lessen the severity or sheer horror of his behaviour; the fact that it's occasional doesn't give me any less goosebumps.

You said you've begun to disconnect from the relationship; do you think he's aware of that yet? If so, I'd suggest you tread very carefully til you know what your next move is because it's entirely possible he'll notice that his control over you is beginning to wane. Please take care of yourself and seek outside help. Women's Aid are incredible.

Adora10 · 13/04/2017 13:53

OP, why should you modify your behaviour to accept this treatment, even if it's every six months, the damage is ever lasting; you should not be adjusting yourself and your feelings to be able to carry on with this git; it's him who should be doing all that, you've done NOTHING to deserve any of that.

Live the life you want, not the life that some git is forcing on you.

KickAssAngel · 13/04/2017 13:53

Why don't you turn this around - abusive man who's learned to 'pass' as normal?

His attitude hasn't changed - he still wants to control you, he just manages to put a veneer over it most of the time.

ElspethFlashman · 13/04/2017 13:53

It might help if you wrote down (possibly for the first time ever) exactly what names he has called you and what way he has been physically agressive.

You say you "forget" it in between. Maybe that's because it's never in black and white.

GallicosCats · 13/04/2017 14:25

How much salmonella would you like in your chicken?

...Thought not.

CardinalCat · 13/04/2017 15:13

You are very much in denial if you cannot see that this is not a good man, this IS abuse, and that you are not protecting your child from it.

Speak to Womens Aid ASAP and in the meantime tread on eggshells and try to avoid setting him off on a rage until such a time as you have an escape plan. You cannot live like this. You cannot expose an innocent child to this.

And hypnotherapy, really? Give the guy a fucking medal. He needs some serious therapy for his anger issues, not woo.

meettherussians · 13/04/2017 15:42

OP- sounds rather than my DH when we have a bad argument- are his outbursts reaction- complete one sided?
You say its over nothing- but how do you then react when he gets in such a rage- are you also shouting back, does it escalate to this point or is it all 100% crazy immediately out of the blue? Not condoning his reaction in the slightest even if you are arguing back- as men never realise that male aggression to women- especially when getting aggressive at objects etc.- is massively more frightening and intimidating then women screaming back.

TempusEedjit · 13/04/2017 15:53

roughing her up a bit or dragging her around

Your sense of what's acceptable and unacceptable has been seriously screwed up by your abusive ex if you can downplay something like this just because it's not "hitting". This is not a good man doing bad things. This is a bad man, just maybe not as bad as you were used to but terribly abusive nonetheless. Please start telling all in real life to someone you can trust, it'll make it seem more real and hopefully give you that final push to get out.

misscph1973 · 13/04/2017 16:04

OP, it's not ok what your DH does, but I do understand why you "forget" it and you have "edited" versions of what happened. It must be hard to "admit" to yourself that you are taking it, ie. you are not doing what should be the consequence of your DH's behaviour, which is leaving him. I also understand why you don't tell anyone IRL, because you don't want them to say "leave him".

It's very simple. You are not ready to leave him. You may never be. People don't do anything until they are ready.

mollyminniemo · 13/04/2017 16:12

misscph1973 very true, sounds like you have experienced this? Would all here agree if he sought real, well reviewed, anger management to change this is a positive step and worth staying together for?

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