Good man does bad things? Is sporadic abuse still abuse?

[ExtraJudgeyPants]

Have seen really good advice on here, please help me.

Been with DH 7 years, married 5. DS aged 3.

95% of the time DH really good, not perfect, but who is. He supports whatever I want to do financially, practically and emotionally (been sahm now trying to get back into work) and yes we fall out and have disagreements but just normal stuff.

But he also has explosive rages that seem to come out of nowhere. A "normal" disagreement can turn extremely nasty with a huge amount of disgusting verbal abuse, threats, physical aggression (not hitting) and damage to possesions.

He has always had trouble managing emotions and from the start of our relationship i begged him to get help (i have issues too & have been in and out of therapy) but he said no. i should have walked away then in hindsight.

After the last time i said 1 more chance and he has actually had some hypnotherapy to help him. I dont really think he has changed deep down though & feel like its only a matter of time. I feel guilty as have started to disconnect from the relationship.

I guess i wanted opinions on whether it sounded so bad? Was once every 6months roughly for ages but recently more frequent and i cant let it happen infront of DS again. I find the Jekyll and Hyde thing so confusing, had an abusive aggressive controlling partner in the past but he was like that more consistently so it made more "sense".

Sorry for the length of this, please I'm begging for your input here. RL got no one.

molly no! This isn't a one off outburst of anger, it's an ingrained personality trait if it's been happening frequently from the start of the relationship. And this isn't someone who wants to change because it's the right thing to do (hence refusing to get help at the start of the relationship despite OP begging) , this is someone motivated by personal loss only (i.e losing his marriage). If at some point he decides he's not that bothered anymore then he has no reason not to revert to type.

Thanks again for all the comments, even though it's hit me like a tonne of bricks I am grateful. DS has witnessed nothing physical (just pure chance and only a matter of time tbh) but the thought of him repeating to someone something like daddy called mummy a slag was a tipping point for me.

Cant even write down the rest of the stuff on here like someone suggested but will do it privately i think it will help to show me im not over reacting.

@meettherussians at the very beginning of the rship i did react a lot differently ie. I wasnt afraid and would fight back more but i quickly learned to shut down to try and at least not add fuel, doesnt seem to help though.fighting back doesnt help, staying quiet doesnt help. If i cant contain my tears (i desperately try) he mocks me and gets angrier.

Think it's a valid Q tho as i could be being equally as scrappy and that would blur the lines..but im too scared to even react.im sure he finds that frustrating too but not sure what im supposed to do (i know its not my responsibility to regulate his behaviour)

@misscph yes thats exactly it i dont want people to be horrified at my lovely husband who i deep down believe has loads of amazing qualities.but is just a tortured soul...who i shouldn't have to put up eoth nonetheless.

Yes i realise my question in the title is a bit dumb to be honest. Of course it's still abuse. Guess im questioning is sporadic abuse a reason to leave. And i know the answer.

We have even had some calm conversations about splitting up, we even agreed we shouldnt have got married in the first place. But i think the reality of it wouldn't be so calm and because im massively dependant on him i need to sort my life a bit before doing anything

Oh and btw no he doesnt ever behave this way with any one else so yes you're right that he can control it in plenty of other circumstances. Sorry forgot to get the name of who wrote that

With the greatest respect hypnotherapy maybe fine to help someone stop smoking but will achieve bugger all for someone who have 'anger management issues' but only in dealing with one person. Someone with 'true' anger management issues has difficultly with a wide range of people, not just their spouse

I feel so sorry for you OP; he may have troubles, we all do, he may have had trauma but interesting he doesn't go about dragging and pushing other humans around, it's just you, and I guarantee your child has picked up on the atmosphere when he's in one of his rages; you are not his counsellor, you are entitled to live in peace without fear of aggression or violence, as does your son, please give yourself permission to at least live like this; let him prove to you from afar that he has changed, and I mean years before even considering any kind of reconciliation.

Take your time, do your planning, get an exit plan in place because I fear nothing is going to change in him.

You poor love. You knew before posting what we'd say, yes? So although it's been a ton of bricks, you have anticipated the fact that LTB is the only long term solution.
You do need to get your ducks in a row though. What do you need to do practically?
Can you confide in a family member and garner some secret support for getting out, finding somewhere to live, etc?

I don't really have anything to add to the help that you've already had op, just want to say that I really feel for you - what a really horrible situation for you and your son.

Meant to add some flowers.

Molly, yes, I have experienced something similar. I do think people can change, but the problem is how long can "Extra" wait for this change, if it ever happens?

Extra, you know the saying we hurt the ones we love? Your DH is venting on you because you are the closest person to him. But I don't think you are ready to give up on your relationship, as you can still see your DH's qualities. You are not at that point where the good qualities don't matter any more, although you say you are beginning to distance yourself in the relationship. I think you are getting close, though, posting here and admitting to yourself that something is wrong.

It's so so hard to give up the relationship/family project. But try to imagine growing old with your DH. Is that something you want?

@cardinal unfortunately no family member that i can rely on. His family are who i rely on and am very close to they have always helped us patch things up which i was always grateful for but now i realise that kind of worked to enable and excuse his behaviour.

Looking back it was the same with my ex! Argh.

Have a few things i need to sort over the next few weeks but then i will be in a better position. Im not scared of going it alone. Well of course i am! But will just have to do it.

@misscph i think i have started to give up since the last incident. Each one is getting worse. I dont really have any long term dreams with him anymore which feels very sad

Thanks again all

When you say he doesn't hit you, but is "physically aggressive" - I think that's most people's line in the sand right there, and he has crossed it.

Good luck to you op - you are strong enough to do the right thing for you and your ds.

Hypnotherapy is completely wrong for an issue like this and so is anger management. Proper talking therapy takes time and is a difficult journey but may help him change, IF he can be bothered to put the work in.

Honestly though, you sound completely ground down and I don't think he makes you happy. Please seriously consider leaving for your own mental wellbeing

Re the comments some have made about the hypnotherapy i completely see what you are saying, it would take years to unravel the emotional difficulties he has which obviously go back to childhood. I can see how his family deal or rather dont deal, with emotions. I dont really think i can wait any longer for change

Judgypants, I am in similar situation. Why would you call your dh emotionally supportive when he hurls verbal abuses at you and shows physical aggression even if it is without touching you? An emotionally supportive husband must know harmful impact of this behaviour on you.
I don't think he cares about your feeling or emotional well being.
Is he controlling in normal times in subtle ways?

@Redoranges sorry you are going through similar :(

Its very weird how yes he can be very supportive at times, but he also throws that same stuff back in my face during the fights. E.g. he knows all about my diffficulties with certain family members and also mental health issues, and has really been my rock...but then on reflection i have been insulted horribly over these same things. To him its just words he says when he's hurting about something he hasnt communicated to me, but obviously it goes much deeper for me. And im never sure exactly what he really thinks and feels.

The normal times are so different though like i say, he isnt controlling at all, is very easy going and will almost agree to anything i ask! Unlike my ex who was classic in terms of controlling family friends food money clothes!

While you are getting your ducks in a row stop covering for him. Tell people the truth. You need them to see his bad side for when you split up. Or to see his troubled side so they can help him when you split up.