To have no idea how to sort this...

[coconuttella]

... On Tuesday my DH and I went to the cinema with my aunt, uncle, 4 cousins and partners for my aunt's birthday. As we went in to the film, my uncle suggested to my DH that he might like to sit on the end of the row.

My DH immediately lost it and told my uncle in no uncertain terms that he was a family member too, why should he be relegated to the end of the row, and wouldn't listen when my uncle said that wasn't what he meant. My cousins tried to mollify him but he was having none of it, and he stormed out. In shock I followed and we went home.

I was in shock at this and felt cross with my DH for creating a scene as I believe he had probably misread the situation as I believed the only reason my uncle had asked him whether he'd like to sit on the end was that he was tall and therefore could stretch out a bit.

On the way to the train my DH sensed that I wasn't in full support of his actions, and he told me I was being disloyal to him for not standing up for him in the cinema (although i hadn't said anything in support of my uncle and had left with him). I said that I thought my uncle hadn't meant to marginalise him but was probably just suggesting he sat there for his long legs (as it would have been really out of character for him to marginalise him like that). He was then even more angry that I had apparently tried to minimise it by providing an excuse for my uncle, and that I always side with the family over him (even though I'm not related to half of them). He's furious that I've apparently chosen my uncle (and by implication my family) over him, and that I found it difficult to believe that my uncle was trying to exclude him from the group. He has told me that he felt abandoned by my lack of support and that effectively our relationship is over.

We've slept (not so much sleeping on my part!) apart for the past 2 nights. I'm devastated as I love him. It's only 7 months since our marriage and we have a 2 year old girl together. what can I do? Everything I say makes it worse. My sister's marriage split last year and I desperately don't want that to happen to me.

Thanks for all the comments. I will be seeing family again soon.... don't worry I'm not going to be cut off from them.

He either wants out of tyhis marriage or he is testing your loyalty.

If it was pre-meditated, then he is absolutely twisted.
If it was spontaneous, then I worry about his impulse control.

either way, this behaviour is being used to control you and yes, it is working a treat!
He behaves like an absolute twat, ruins a family birthday, yet he has managed to get you feeling bad for HIM. FFS OP, read back through this thread, and then read it again.

I don't think you can sort this, the person you have married does not sounds like he will ever compromise.
I am so sorry for you, but I feel that the best thing you can do for your little girl is to get the heck out of this.

My ex was a bit like this with my family.
He always wanted me to less of them and would 'kick off' like a spoilt toddler over nothing. I often thought he deliberately caused a scene to upset a family occasion.

I spent a lot of time placating him, walking on eggshells, making excuses for him and defending him.

Waste of time. He was controlling of me, and jealous of my family. The sad thing was they bent over backwards to include him, make him feel welcome.

Your H is jealous OP. He resents your closeness to other people. He would rather cause a rift so that you don't see them and feel unhappy, than have you happy and seeing them. Think about the mindset of someone who chooses to do that. Horrible, isn't it?

Don't do what I did, is my advice. We ended up divorced, not because of this, but it certainly made me unhappy, and question him and his motives.

Good lord.

OP, in MY marriage, what would have happened was that I would have gone outside the screen & bollocked my DH for being an idiot, & tried to get him to come back & apologise. If he'd stormed off then I would have gone back in to watch the film & let him get over his toddler tantrum ("I don't want THAT seat I want THAT one, you all hate me, wah-wah"). Then after the film I'd have apologised A LOT to my aunt.

If for some outlandish reason my DH then tried to suggest our marriage was over, I'd tell him to move out then, because being married to someone so immature wasn't for me.

If your husband is willing to break up his DD's home over a tiff about the aisle seat, then he's not a good father.

Is everything all about him all the time, by any chance?

Normal partnerships are not like what you're describing, OP. Tell him to leave - he's betting you'll beg him to stay, so he's got the upper hand. Don't give it to him.

If he's so unhappy with your treatment of him, he should leave.

He is NUTS.

And a prick. You do realise he's a prick, right?

This is domestic violence. He's controlling, threatening and trying to isolate you from your family. This won't get better and he won't change.

What a bell end. Why are you with him?

How will you feel in the hours before the next time you go out with your family? Will you include him? Will he go with you?

How often do you get to see your friends?

coco, please stop and think. First it was about an aisle seat. It was about your uncle. It was about your family. It was about you. It was about your marriage. He moves the goalpost so much it must be on ballbearings.

You can not and will not win. He must be the center of your attention, your happiness must come from him and you must not have any other source of happiness.

This is him isolating you, physically AND emotionally. He wants to own you.

You can not sort this out. This is his agenda for you and he has said very plainly: take it or leave it. PLEASE leave it.

What happened with your sister is absolutely irrelevant. So what if both your marriages failed? So what. There is no valid excuse for you to put up with him-not even if he were a billionaire.

I agree he wants you to break up with him so he can (in his twisted mind) call you a bitch. Do not be afraid of someone calling you a bitch, ok? It is just sound waves on the wind and not even true. You know the truth. Someone's opinion is not a reason you (and your dd- she will be affected by the tension) should endure this abuse.

Emotionally detach first. Stay calm. Stop caring what he thinks- you do not need to tell him-just don't be so invested. Shrug your shoulders- he'll think what he thinks (so?) and you have every right to think your thoughts.

He has no right to your thoughts or your brain so don't be intimidated into 'tell me what you are thinking'-make up a continupous shopping list to talk about if he demands your thoughts.

Sorry for the long post.

I have a relative who is a tantrumming, cruel piece of shit and of course he is utterly despised and laughed at, but also the person who chooses to stay married to him, therefore subjecting their kid to the eggshell walking, abuse cycle as well. They regularly get offers of help to LTB but make martyrish excuses and now everyone is backing off and leaving them to it. Good luck if that's the future you dream of OP.