Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To have no idea how to sort this...

60 replies

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 06:24

... On Tuesday my DH and I went to the cinema with my aunt, uncle, 4 cousins and partners for my aunt's birthday. As we went in to the film, my uncle suggested to my DH that he might like to sit on the end of the row.

My DH immediately lost it and told my uncle in no uncertain terms that he was a family member too, why should he be relegated to the end of the row, and wouldn't listen when my uncle said that wasn't what he meant. My cousins tried to mollify him but he was having none of it, and he stormed out. In shock I followed and we went home.

I was in shock at this and felt cross with my DH for creating a scene as I believe he had probably misread the situation as I believed the only reason my uncle had asked him whether he'd like to sit on the end was that he was tall and therefore could stretch out a bit.

On the way to the train my DH sensed that I wasn't in full support of his actions, and he told me I was being disloyal to him for not standing up for him in the cinema (although i hadn't said anything in support of my uncle and had left with him). I said that I thought my uncle hadn't meant to marginalise him but was probably just suggesting he sat there for his long legs (as it would have been really out of character for him to marginalise him like that). He was then even more angry that I had apparently tried to minimise it by providing an excuse for my uncle, and that I always side with the family over him (even though I'm not related to half of them). He's furious that I've apparently chosen my uncle (and by implication my family) over him, and that I found it difficult to believe that my uncle was trying to exclude him from the group. He has told me that he felt abandoned by my lack of support and that effectively our relationship is over.

We've slept (not so much sleeping on my part!) apart for the past 2 nights. I'm devastated as I love him. It's only 7 months since our marriage and we have a 2 year old girl together. what can I do? Everything I say makes it worse. My sister's marriage split last year and I desperately don't want that to happen to me.

OP posts:

ohidoliketobebesidethecoast · 13/04/2017 07:56

It does sound like he is upping the anti on his not liking your family, by saying you have to choose, and that even leaving with him is not enough loyalty. But he's doing it by 'being upset' by them, so that it doesn't seem so obviously that he's trying to control you.
Have there been any signs that he's stressed or could he be depressed? His reaction seems extreme; it wouldn't excuse him, but could he be having problems of some sort that could be resolved?
Otherwise, if u want to stay with him, I'd tell him he has to do counselling with you to sort out his angry behaviour, or he's correct, the marriage is over.

Marmalade85 · 13/04/2017 08:01

He is trying to isolate you from your family which is a MASSIVE red flag. I would start considering my options at this point.

Original poster

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 08:01

Have you thought about what your uncle and other family must think of him and how they would support you if you split from him?

Apart from a brief message saying I'll be in touch, I've not contacted them. If I spoke to them at the moment and was in any way sympathetic to any of them, even if I didn't go so far as to apologise (which I shouldn't as that's his job if he chooses to) he'd very likely go ballistic if he found out... would be more evidence that I'm on their side.

OP posts:

Whocansay · 13/04/2017 08:15

Well, given that he's behaving like a toddler having a tantrum for NO REASON, why would you be on his side in this matter? I don't understand why you're pandering to him. His behaviour was terrible.

Are you afraid of him?

troodiedoo · 13/04/2017 08:23

Poor OP. Your husband is a manipulative control freak. I'd hazard a guess he has a dysfunctional relationship with his own family so can't relate and interact normally with family situations. And so you must reject yours to make him feel better. He needs to address these issues or you are going to have a very hard married life. Or leave, obviously.

Original poster

coconuttella · 13/04/2017 08:30

Because he's my husband I'm wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and to try and understand things from his side. But as I wasn't equally as incensed I must be on their side. He was angry with me as we left the cinema saying that "I know you're on their side - you're just like them" so in fact the anger immediately focussed onto me.

OP posts:

KateDaniels2 · 13/04/2017 08:30

Your husband is either an abusive wanker, or there has to be a huge back story to this.

I am inclined to think its the first.

SenoritaViva · 13/04/2017 08:34

Please gett out now. This is utterly unreasonable and cobtrollinf behaviour.

Naicehamshop · 13/04/2017 08:34

This sounds awful op - your dh's behaviour is unhinged! Think carefully about whether you really want to stay in this relationship; unfortunately this type of behaviour tends to get worse rather than better over the years.

DancingLedge · 13/04/2017 08:35

Now I'm aghast . His control is so far inside your head that you can't even say what you like to your own family?

Maybe do some reading on coercive control?

It's not just his thoughts and feelings that matter here; you matter. You matter, and you deserve better than this.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2017 08:36

If you can't say 'I'm going to see my family. You don't have to, but you do have to respect my choices. If you get angry over this you can leave.' Then you have a problem... marriage break ups are not that bad. It would be far worse to end up estranged from your family apologising for things you didn't do because you stayed. What about if your daughter ends up on the end of these unreasonable rages? Having to apologise for accidents or things she didnt do while her psychopath father screams at her?

hellsbellsmelons · 13/04/2017 08:39

Oh dear - he's got you right where he wants you.
Pandering to him.
Changing your behaviour to appease him.
Changing your responses to keep him happy.
Ignoring your family when you should be apologising for your 'D'H awful behaviour.
You are enabling an abuser.
Sorry but you are.
You are walking on eggshells and that = abuse!
Ruining happy occasions all the time = abuse!
Follow in your DSis footsteps and get away from this vile man.
He will keep dragging you down until you no longer know who you are.
He will isolate you from family and friends.
When was the last time you went out with friends?

Trollspoopglitter · 13/04/2017 08:43

He ruined your aunt's birthday and made it all about him. And he's got you so manipulated, you're worried about him?

He ruined your aunt's birthday for no reason - who does that? And if I was your family, I would absolutely want this asshole to sit as far away from my children as possible because he was going to ruin it anyway, wasn't he?

Nobody was really that shocked that he was again feeling "insulted" were they?

Guess what, they only keep inviting him because they love you and they are worried you married an emotionally abusive man, who's driving you away from your family.

DownTownAbbey · 13/04/2017 08:50

You'll never get this right. The whole point is for you to be in the wrong, for you to bend over backwards to placate him, and for you to live in fear forever after.

There are three reasons he's done this:

he wants out of the marriage (possible OW) and he wants it to be your fault so he's inventing a reason that you are the bad guy,
he's abusive / controlling and has taken the opportunity to up the ante now you're 'trapped ' with his child,
he's just plain psycho.

Please, please, please start developing a plan to leave. Even if it takes you a while to process the fact that you're husband is a shit take some control for your own sanity.

thatdearoctopus · 13/04/2017 09:13

Because he's my husband I'm wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt and to try and understand things from his side.

By leaving the cinema with him, you've already gone above and beyond to "support" him. But his behaviour was APPALLINGLY rude, and he needs to know that. There is no excusing or justifying it.

The more you "try and understand things from his side," the more you are enabling him and making a bed you're going to be have some very sleepless nights in for many years to come.

What is the worst that could happen if you told him that he misunderstood a kind gesture from your uncle, was extremely rude and you are embarrassed and ashamed of him?

thatdearoctopus · 13/04/2017 09:14

And your entire family will be talking about this, don't be in any doubt about that. Your poor uncle must feel awful.

FinallyHere · 13/04/2017 09:36

have to give him the benefit of the doubt

Please listen to the responses you are getting here quite carefully. If he really is abusive, you will never 'get it right' whatever you do , he will blow up about something, that is how he establishes that he is in control. It's a horrible dynamic to get into, but surprisingly difficult to get out of. Get out before there are any children to consider.

Try saying that you understand that he doesn't appreciate your family and it may be best if you call it a day. See how he reacts. Bear in mind, you only get one chance at calling his bluff. If you let him talk you round, it will only get more difficult to leave him.

Try not to be surprised, when your friends and family tell you, only after you have got shot of him, that they didn't think he was good enough for you. From what you have told us, he isn't good enough for you. Why do you have to placate him, why can't you just enjoy your life? Think about it, please.

FinallyHere · 13/04/2017 09:38

In response to your question 'how do i sort this' the answer is run, get rid of him'. Your life will be soooo much better. Simple example, you dan go to the cinema with no drama. Ive been there, getting away is bliss. You only allow yourself to notice how bad it is, once you are away. All the best.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/04/2017 09:39

Finally OP has said they have a 2 YO DD together.
Which is probably why she is putting up with this treatment.

OP - what would you say to your DD if she was a man like your DH in the future?
Would you be happy for her?
Would you be encouraging her to 'GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM'?
I think it's probably the latter.
Do not let this vile abuser be the male role model your DD learns about relationships from.

NurseButtercup · 13/04/2017 09:52

Sounds like he wants out of the marriage for him to have created an OTT reaction to your Uncles suggestion and now you've got this ultimatum.

Take onboard the advice given by others, but ultimately listen to your gut instinct and follow that...

thethoughtfox · 13/04/2017 09:53

That is not a normal reaction. Sorry.

thethoughtfox · 13/04/2017 09:55

There are no 'sides' in a healthy family. There's just family. It's a real red flag that he sees your family, your extended support system as competition .

JustSpeakSense · 13/04/2017 10:29

I think there's something wrong with him.

LisaMed1 · 13/04/2017 12:58

He's just made sure you won't go out with that part of the family again and has seriously affected your ability to talk to them.

How is he with the rest of your family?

Hissy · 13/04/2017 13:12

he has 'got her' where he wants her. trapped and totally invested.

now the real him comes out.

it gets worse from here on in.

Flip

1 2 3