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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Honesty

37 replies

mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 17:07

H and I have been through many ups and down. He cheated and I found it all very difficult with lots of triggers but getting better.
Busy week on holiday with kids.
Looked at bank account and on Friday h went to lunch to lovely posh place with some friends and didn't tell me. Walked in the house and hasn't mentioned it since and its now Wednesday.
Asked him why he never mentioned it and he blamed me because I didn't like one of his friends?
To me this is a big issue because surely as friends and partners it would warrant a passing comment surely.
I don't police him and he never mentions anything about his working days even if I ask.
So got this patronising text....
I will let you know of anything significant I think you should be aware of in the future.
What an arse.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 17:17

Do you have DC with this man?
If not then don't stay with a cheat.
You'll be forever on edge waiting for the next time.
How long ago was the cheating?

Emphasise · 12/04/2017 17:25

I agree with hellsbells. If DH had a fancy lunch I'd expect him to mention over dinner that eve, but if we're rushing in/out like ships that pass in the night and it doesn't get mentioned, it's unlikely to come up a few days later.

However, I'm not on edge because of previous cheating and your DH's sarky comment is down right cruel, knowing that he caused your insecurities

emilybrontescorset · 12/04/2017 17:33

The issue here is that you do not completely trust your dh after all he has betrayed your trust in the past.
He doesn't want to be open and under scrutiny.
That is the problem.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 18:20

Yes I agree. Cheating was years ago but he finds it difficult? to be open and honest. Seems to me his nasty comment was so controlling......that he deems fit for me to be aware of?
I know I've over reacted because of the past but surely he should be more understanding?
I'm getting to the point of not wanting to be with him if he can be so patronising.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 12/04/2017 18:37

It's not over-reacting. That was odd behaviour, he knew it, so he sent the text to put you in your place. Not a nice man.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 19:05

No he isnt. when I said it was patronizing he put.....fancy it all being wrong well I never who would have thought?
Complete blame shifting. Exhausting.

OP posts:
yetmorecrap · 12/04/2017 19:29

I know the feeling. When my H caught me looking at his phone 2 weeks after I found a pile of poems/songs related to his very old EA from 10 years ago and that i was gaslighted on for all that time, , was his response "I do understand why you might feel the need to look at my phone, its ok" No, it was ---"Are you sure its worth me having a phone, do I have to report in every text and movement from now on" and then threw it across the room . I would have probably got the same response as you in this instance too!! I dont understand it in my case, I know he doesnt want to split up, he knows he was idiot and yet seems unable to comprehend why I might be a teensy bit anxious and be looking for signs of anything "untoward"

DavidPuddy · 12/04/2017 19:37

People are defensive when they know they are in the wrong. And people in the wrong don't like admitting being in the wrong. That's when this dickish behaviour occurs.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 19:46

Thanks that made me laugh!
Gawd. To think I put up with this shit. He's defensive about everything.
I had even the night before asked him to tell me more about what he does in the day which clearly irritated him.
TBH if this is what he wants to be like then I'll make my own moves to back off.
Who wants to be with an arse?
Whats really strange is he either talks in a baby voice or in a patronizing contempt filled way. I say stop it just be normal.
Clearly he has issues and takes them out on me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 19:48

Anyway I'll stop bothering what he thinks and carry on being friendly warm and open but just not with him as he doesn't make it possible.

OP posts:
Emphasise · 12/04/2017 19:54

I'd lay money on the friend you don't approve of not being the one he'd like you to think it is :-(

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 21:03

Hmmmmn I know what you mean. Place was very close to home and I know loads of people so I doubt it. But you never know. Might ask for bar bill to be sent to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 21:22

A prawn sandwich can be very telling.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 22:06

well he got in and has been bringing everything up he perceives me as having done wrong on and on and has gone to bed in a huff.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 22:41

Seriously???
He's a big twat.
And a fucking man child.
Bin him off.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 23:16

hes an abusive twat. Sat crying and he said it was a construct and copied me crying in a high pitched voice.
What a cunt I'm angry now.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 12/04/2017 23:18

Take that anger to a solicitor.

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 23:20

Yes I will. He is treating me with contempt.

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 12/04/2017 23:21

You don't trust him. It sounds like toxic atmosphere to live in. Plus that text was so passive aggressive it's off the scale! Do you really want to be with this man? He sounds like a dick

AnyFucker · 12/04/2017 23:22

Your husband is a cunt

Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 23:25

yes he is a dick. I don't trust him because he is emotionally abusive and goes into a rage if things aren't said in the right way to him apparently.
He's been ill so no I don't think hes cheating but he sure hates me. I made him do it you see what with me being frigid and all.
God I'm regressing.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumsonthelash · 12/04/2017 23:25

Yes he is a cunt.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 12/04/2017 23:28

You don't need that in your life

Deadsouls · 12/04/2017 23:28

Oh OP you need to start making plans to get out of this situation. Emotional abuse is terrible and insidious. He doesn't hate you, he hates himself.

Deadsouls · 12/04/2017 23:29

What he does is projects his self hatred into you.