Honesty

[mumsonthelash]

H and I have been through many ups and down. He cheated and I found it all very difficult with lots of triggers but getting better.
Busy week on holiday with kids.
Looked at bank account and on Friday h went to lunch to lovely posh place with some friends and didn't tell me. Walked in the house and hasn't mentioned it since and its now Wednesday.
Asked him why he never mentioned it and he blamed me because I didn't like one of his friends?
To me this is a big issue because surely as friends and partners it would warrant a passing comment surely.
I don't police him and he never mentions anything about his working days even if I ask.
So got this patronising text....
I will let you know of anything significant I think you should be aware of in the future.
What an arse.

[LineysRun]

Please give yourself permission to detach from this cunt.

[mumsonthelash]

Yes he does that's why he can't give anything. Everything is an insult to him. says I've always got an issue (opinion) Saves things up to throw at me later etc etc.
I will start making plans. How depressing.

[mumsonthelash]

Never thought of that Deadsouls. I think you are right.

[LineysRun]

My ExH projected onto me, OP, and it took MN to help me see it.

He's doing it now to his latest ExW (to be).

He's a sad, dangerous man.

[mumsonthelash]

Yes I find copying me crying the last straw really. Its downright weird.

[Deadsouls]

Well you don't have to plan everything all at once. Just make a start if that's what you want to do and you're ready. Start getting some support and see what your options are. It's probably better if you don't tell him anything at this stage. If he's as nasty and rageful as he's seems then it might be better to keep this under the radar till you get a clearer idea of what you're going to do and have consulted with a solicitor.

[SuiteHarmony]

It is incredibly disempowering when calling someone out on dubious behaviour results in it turning into a critique of oneself. It is doubly victimising the injured party. Dig in, OP, and find your strength.

[mumsonthelash]

Thanks Deadsouls I know I've been putting it off for years. I always think it will get better but tonight was just awful. I will make an appointment and start to gather stuff I might need.
He was ill before xmas and then got into bed with me but I was knackered so he took this as the ultimate rejection and raged for days. Now he's ill again so he's lying low. Goes to bed at 10 in a different room because of the snoring as he's overweight.
what a catch.
Will operate under the radar.
will make me feel better to know I have options.

[mumsonthelash]

Thanks SuiteHarmony I will try. Tomorrow he will act as if nothing has happened and will get defensive again if I dare to say anything so I won't.
Will start sorting stuff.
You see this has become my normal.

[SuiteHarmony]

Yes, and I speak from being separated 2.5 years. And despite my efforts to create clear boundaries, dickish behaviour which impacts on me and which I call out still results in an angry offensive. So stay mindful and clear. And resolute. You could be in for a long haul.

[RedastheRose]

Your H sounds like he is a narcissist tbh. Have a read through the red flags and see if you can relate. If so, especially if you don't have DC's, but possibly even if you do I would recommend you LTB. They don't get better they get worse, they lie constantly and you can't believe anything they say so constantly question yourself, the gas lighting and manipulation means it is just not worth living your life with someone who treats you like that. If he is a narc he really doesn't love anyone but himself, he will put the act on but it's just an illusion. If you have DC's don't just stay for their benefit, as they get older and less willing to go along with his fairytale that he is a lovely person and he will start treating them to his particular brand of nastiness.

[mumsonthelash]

Yes I agree. He has no empathy or compassion whatsoever. So now I will detach I'll be blamed for that.
I will read up on the red flags. Christ almighty.