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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Wanting to leave my partner

46 replies

Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 14:43

I want to leave my partner of 4 years. We have a 1 year old son. We haven't been happy for a while and I'm struggling with financial problems he found out and took over all our money. He watches every penny I spend and is even hacking into my accounts. We keep arguing (even before this) and I'm just not happy no more. Every time I say I'm going to leavr he says I can't take our son or he uses his dad against me as hes on our tenancy. He makes me feel small and like I can't do nothing right moans if I'm tired says I don't do nothing around the house and he works a lot more than me. He also says if I take our son he'll take me to court and all my debt will make me loose my son and he'll get full custody.

What can I do I'm at work crying my eyes out.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 15:15

Well a bit of debt does not mean he can take your son.
Stop listening to his lies.
That's all it is.
Lies and manipulation to get you 'back in line'
You can leave.
I'm assuming you aren't on the tenancy?
Do you have family you can go to?
If you need this all put into perspective then give Womens Aid a call 0808 2000 247.
I'm sure financial abuse is not the only abuse you are suffering.
Judging by your OP he is emotionally abusive as well at the least.

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 16:14

I have family who will put us up but I'm scared to actually leave. I wont stop him seeing his son. I'm named on it but hes the sole name who pays for it and stuff. I'm only about 2,000 in debt and I work to pay for it all off.

He has my sort code and account number does that mean he can keep transfering money to his account without my permission

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/04/2017 16:19

The debt wont make any difference.

With your account does he have online access to it. I know plenty of sort codes and account numbers (for paying for stuff) but that does not mean I can transfer money out only in.

You need to start getting paperwork together as well there is no reason you cant leave

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 17:20

Yeah he has all my online details as he watched me put them in and he copied them down. Hes changed all my email passwords

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 18:14

Call your bank and get a stop put on your account or change your password.
Do it now!!!

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 18:21

If I change it he'll know what ive done.

OP posts:
highinthesky · 12/04/2017 18:24

If I change it he'll know what ive done.

If you are scared of DPs reaction, then I'm afraid its classic coercive control. Which is unlawful these days btw.

highinthesky · 12/04/2017 18:27

He has my sort code and account number does that mean he can keep transfering money to his account without my permission

No, he is STEALING your money. Supplying your account and sort code only allows people to deposit money into your account. The fact that you have not held your access details more securely means the bank has no liability when it comes to compensating.

bobs123 · 12/04/2017 18:29

Can I ask - why are you in debt? Do you spend money on "stupid" stuff ie drugs, too much alcohol, overspend on clothes etc?

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 18:39

He aaked for it to put some money my account and as I was typing in my password and atuff for onlone he wrote it down behind my back.

And I lost my job so bills just piled up and I got ashamed and forgot about them I put my head into the ground. Its noting very big its about 2000

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2017 18:48

Why are you worried if he finds out?
What would he do?
Please contact Women's Aid urgently.
You need a safe exit plan and you need it soon!!!

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 18:49

I don't want him shouting at me and my son hearing it all. I also feel like I'll be wasting women's aid if I call as he's not being physical

OP posts:
bobs123 · 12/04/2017 18:56

Ok not a lot to go on, but he has no right to access your accounts if you do not give him that right. I could understand it if, say, you were spending on drugs. However, your accounts are yours. And women's aid recognise mental abuse just as much as physical

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 18:58

Im only staying for my son as he keeps saying he can't leave the house with me

OP posts:
bobs123 · 12/04/2017 19:00

Sorry, just to clarify, first you said you were at work, then you said you lost your job???

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 19:38

No originally I lost it (got a new job)

OP posts:
bobs123 · 12/04/2017 19:47

So you had a job, lost it, ran up debts, then got a new job? And you are not spending unreasonably? But he is monitoring it all? Sounds like a control thing. Ouf course in this case you should contact WA. Do nor be scared of him him or doing this. And your accounts, your passwords

bobs123 · 12/04/2017 19:49

Whatever you do, do not believe what he tells you. Ask WA or on here

tmc14 · 12/04/2017 19:57

Hi,
Not much to add to the others but wanted to say £2000 on credit cards is very little compared to lots of people. If you're concerned this will make you look bad to others, don't. Any 'official' of any kind won't bat an eyelid at it. Especially given the reason you have it & the fact you're paying it off (doesn't matter how slowly). Good luck xx

Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 20:02

No not spending unreasonably. Just bills went up and up and I ignored them like an idiot. I'll give them a call. I wont sound stupid will i

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 20:04

I'm gettinf texts and texts off him keep questioning me if ive sorted it and all that. I tried to apply for a loan on amigo but I cancelled it straight away but they still sent a letter. I phoned them up and they said theres nothing on their end so ignore the letter but my partner isnt having it

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 20:05

He opened all my letters without even asking if it was ok. I never said he could do this

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatagirltodo123 · 12/04/2017 20:26

He just said I think we need to call time on our relationship and I went ok I'll go to my nans so you can think hw said no its not fair on our son. I said you need to think with me not being here and he said 'I said no'

I told him whats the point in us being here. You'll come back and you'll shout things will be said we can't take back so whats the point in all that? Might as well stop it when we can.

His reply was you always use our son as a weapon.

My reply was how am I using him I can't leave him here on his own while you're at work and I go to my man's

His reply was so then its a no youre not going

OP posts:
tmc14 · 12/04/2017 20:28

If the debt is an issue, call step change. They are a charity & free to use and are lovely. I had a lot of debt & was on a debt management plan with them. I'd advise against getting a loan to cover credit card debt. Usually ends up worse.

tmc14 · 12/04/2017 20:30

I should add Step change can give you general advice, doesn't have to be a formal thing. It's scary, but they're so understanding and nonjudgmental.