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Relationships

Casual relationship, do they ever turn serious? Not sure how to approach things...

73 replies

myteadontlie · 12/04/2017 11:23

I will do my best not to drip feed; situation I am in is very confusing but due to its nature I guess
I have enough time to think (and sadly obssess sometimes) about it.

In early December I met a guy on tinder. We both were looking for something casual. We quickly hit it off, chatted for hours daily and decided to meet… we met almost 2 months later due to family commitments and distance between us.

He is 40, no kids, had 2 serious relationships in his life, one lasted 2 years, the other 5. He ended things with previous partner in June last year, mutual decision as it turned into more friendship like relationship and they just knew they were not right for each other. He comes from a place 1.5hr drive from me but currently lives 3hrs drive, 4 on the train away. Owns a house but rented it and currently rents further away with his married brother.
When we met, he said he is looking for someone nice he could get on with, to meet up now and then mainly for sex but if things turn into something more, he is open to that possibility in the future. Explained that this year is crucial for him as he is developing his own business and he just doesn’t have time for a proper relationship. It suited me just fine then, actually he was more 'romantic' to start with, I was like: no, I really want just a casual thing. I don't think anything more will happen for me in any nearest future, gave up on love etc. But things changed pretty quickly and I started falling for him before we even met.

Me: 37, 1 primary age child, separated almost 5 years ago, DC dad is present , we are civil atm although he cheated, fathered an unwanted child with the OW, did loads of really nasty things to me and basically totally ruined our life and my self-confidence. He was my only proper relationship, we were together for 12 years. I have my own house and regular ‘9 to 5’ work.
Since the split I had a string of dates and 3 of them turned into meaningless arrangements, fwb ones, all of them were helping for short as I felt wanted but at the same time they continued to ruin my self-esteem, as I just felt so unworthy of love and as if I just didn’t deserve anything more. All these fwb ‘finished’ things with me because I kind of showed them that maybe I would eventually want something more (which I know I do) and they just didn’t want. All of them were not right for me, I always knew they were just tossers or not partner material, initially I didn’t even fancy them that much but was desperate for male company and sex was ok and I didn’t want to be lonely. I don’t have any regrets or sadness they finished, I was just sad and humiliated that they decided they don’t want me as a partner, nothing more. Deep down I crave family life or proper decent partnership and I know it was wrong to go on with these arrangements, as I knew they were not right potential partners.

With the new man I knew pretty quickly that he is different. I tried to convince myself that I am just desperate&lonely again, but meeting him took the things to a whole new level. He is just great in many ways – I fancy him massively, we get on so well, we always have stuff to talk about and the sexual side of it is amazing. He seems to be the most caring and respectful guy I have ever met, has his faults but I am old enough to know there is no such things as perfect humans. When we met, I knew pretty instantly that he is more than I could actually wish for... I calmed down a bit since then, as feelings were very intense and a bit overwhelming for me to start with, but I still see him in a very positive - yet realistic light.
I fell in love with him. He knows it although I never said it upfront.

Now, problem. He cannot commit. Says he doesn’t want to be in a serious relationship now, that he has too much on his plate to deal with now, he just wants to stay in touch, meet when we both can and ‘see what happens’. Says that when we met I was everything and more he could ask for but we are in different life stages and he just doesn’t know now what will happen.
The thing is we meet very rarely, once a month for a couple of days and in the next 4/5 months it might be even less, as I have lots happening on too with my job and he has his family commitments and work. He is very close in a good way to his family and brothers, so he does find time for them and his business is his main focus. Due to its nature he works evening and weekends a lot, there are certain times every day when he needs to be on the computer online, he needs a couple of computers to work on, so him working from mine is not really an option. Realistically we can meet for 2/3 days every couple of weeks that he needs to book as days off and make up later. We met a couple of times so far, once stayed at the hotel, twice he stayed at mine and once I visited for him for 5 days, he had to work almost 3 days of that. So in total we spent about 10 full days together since we first met 2.5 months ago. Only the brother he lives with know that we meet, his family or friends don’t, we are not friends on fb. We talk quite a lot about my child but he doesn’t want to meet her (anyway, I would not introduce her that early and never ever though about it with the other guys but with him I do, so in 6months, why not…).

I know most of readers probably already think that he is using/will use me and I should end it, as clearly I want more and am not totally happy. Yes, I am not happy and it’s frustrating but on the other hand I enjoy our time so so much and I do care about him so much… the fact that he is honest and doesn’t play me or promise me stuff makes me even more attracted to him.

I do not know what to do, though. Should I just keep meeting him and let things develop if they are meant to be, or should I let it go? A part of me tells me that he is worth waiting for and I am just insecure, negative and obsessing and overthinking. The other side of me (the ‘experienced’, hurt and bitter one) whispers that it will end up in tears as he won’t commit…. And I should just end this.

The thing is I don’t want to end this. I want to give it a chance and I am happy to wait for him till he sorts himself and his life out, I am just angry with myself that I cannot slow down and enjoy things more and that might scare him off. Saw him last weekend and we spoke about it, I got a bit tipsy and got a bit excited and so on, no drama or tears but he said he does feel a bit less comfortable now as he doesn’t want me to hurt in any way. And it finished with him stroking my hand and saying ‘slow down’…

For now I decide to wait for as lnog as I manage and try to take any pressure off him and myself. Meet when we can, enjoy time together and focus on my life… and see what happens. Then, if he still want this loose arrangement in 6-9 months, decide how I feel and finish it if he doesn’t want to be with me. By being with me I mean being an official couple and start talking about meeting our families, not moving in together or marrying! Is that a good plan?

PS. Yes, I know I am insecure and have issues and sound desperate for a relationship… My self esteem is very low, due to having weight issues and being a ‘giver’ (that wasn’t good enough for my ex, obviously)… I am receiving counselling and try my best to fix myself. It all stems from my totally fucked up marriage failure and, despite having a secure childhood and upbringing, developing this anxious attachement style in my adult life… I know I have issues and need to focus on myself, but on the other hand something tells me I should not give up on this man, as he definitely is a keeper.

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Deadsouls · 12/04/2017 15:32

I mean 'what is your dilemma?'