should I take back unfaithful husband?? -

[Readytodrop]

I'm looking for anyone who has ever been in a similar position just to get advice and other points of view ....

So he was seeing a work colleague but has now come clean and told me all but now wants me back....

We were literally about to get divorced, I have 2 DC 8mo and 3yrs

When people told me he would come running back I swore I wouldn't accept him but now I can't work out what to do

Has anyone come out of this situation and actually been happy??

Help!!!

One word NO. Exh had a year long affair with the poison dwarf. He came home. Didn't sleep once in our bed. Left to.live with her. I promptly filed for divorce.
After 6 years he's currently being narcisstic and taking his guilt and downfalls out on me. Get rid . Period.

Sorry for the essay ... but I too have reconciled with my DH after we had been separated for 2 and a bit years (he had an affair, but think we were both very unhappy with then state of our marriage - so not excusing it, but we both had a part to play in our separation). It was a devastating time & I felt deeply embarassed & ashamed that he did this to me. I think I thought he should have told me he wanted gone rather than do what he did & thought that everyone in our small rural community knew. Mind you I think I "knew" too, just didnt want to face this particular reality. Anyway, fast forward, left the farm & for a while we had a bit of two & fro with the kids as they & us worked out who they would live with. I eventually moved about 200 kms away & did a business degree & our 2 youngest stayed with their Dad; our eldest was at high school & came with me. I regained my lost confidence, lost heaps of weight too (poor student helped), & DH & I started to talk again (at mutual pick-up/drop-off point for kids). It took a while, like over a year, but DH tentatively suggested a reconciliation. Eventually I agreed on condition I finish my studies etc etc, & for the most part I think its been OK. Lots of talking in the early days, but we dont refer to that time now much & def not in arguments :) - would be like lighting a firework me thinks (in that I think in these past 15 years we have settled into our now & that doesnt need to be regurgitated). Im generally happy, but sometimes wonder what if, maybe DH does too. We are not rolling round in great love-fests, but I think in the end we had a blip, I hated that he had an affair, but he is the Dad to my 3 kids (now all grown) & I still loved him. A friend who listened to me then, said that if I didnt try to reconcile I would never know if it would have worked or not & that stuck with me. Good luck with your decision - remember its yours only to make based on the family relationships you have. We can all comment on our situations, but its you living your life.

Wow thanks so much for everyone for taking the time to reply and share your experiences. I must admit I had kind of hope for more success stories

I totally get all of the posts about getting rid etc as they all sound exactly how I've been feeling. I'm just so confused right now as for some strange reason I feel like I want to make a go of things but don't know if that's just because of the DC and due to the fact I'm afraid to go it alone with them.

He's been around a bit lately and I do seem to feel happier when he's here.

I think I still love him but I am so very angry and I don't know if I will ever trust him again which is the biggest issue here. I also can't imagine being intimate as I will always think of him with that other person.

Did those who managed to be happy again feel like this to start with? Did you do counselling?

Thanks again

If he feels no consequence for his shitty behaviour then chances are if the opportunity arises again, he'll take it; he needs to feel what it will be like to lose you; make him feel that.

I'd suggest a separation and let him show you how exactly he has changed.

There are people who make it work after, but I think for the majority, the affair has just shown their husband up for the arsehole they are - and that's not going to change.

I think one thing that people often do wrong, is going straight back into the full on living together again marriage - because of finance, kids...

Why not just date?
Let him prove himself.

• does he treat you well as your boyfriend?
• does he respect that you don't just let him pick up where he left off?
• is he a whiny arse about having to stay outside your home still!
• is he prepared to have counselling?

I don't think I could personally forget or truly "get over it", but I recognise that everybody is different. How has he been behaving towards you/the situation though OP? Is he defensive? Contrite? Expecting you to get over it quickly or recognising that you need time? I think the way the betraying spouse acts afterwards can speak volumes (although, he could be absolutely full of remorse and you would still be well within your rights to leave if you want to; the choice is ultimately yours).

It depends how you feel. Many couples don't live by the 'one strike and you're out'. It also depends on why he had the affair and whether he thinks he is looking for something else.

Not all couples are so bothered about sexual fidelity, especially if it's a one-off, if the marriage is ok in other ways. You need to decide what matters to you.

Oh lovey, I did a search.
You've already taken him back once - and then found out he continued contact with the same woman all along.

Even the PPs who did make it work will probably join the "no" camp for this situation.

You know you can't trust him.

And in your other thread you didn't even know his earnings or trust him to declare them properly.

He has zero love and respect for you.
I think you're just scared of going it alone

He wants back with you because it's easier and cheaper for him that divorce - and because he knows he can carry on cheating because you'll put up with it. I'm sorry.

Stay strong.

How he behaves during the divorce will give you a very good insight into the kind of man he is. Any shit (like self employed surprisingly low income ) will remind you that he is not a good man.

You can do this alone. And when you are strong alone, take him back if you want! But I bet when you are, you won't want to!

Its a while ago now - but yes the trust took ages for me (like, when he was late home & I got all upset again, or spent $$ that he had nothing for) - so there were lots of time my over active brain imagined the worse. But have just seen Ellis' post above & she says that youve coped with this behaviour from your DH before. Poor you - doing this to yourself all over again ... I know its very hard to get the courage to leave & be by yourself when you are sure that you love him, but does he love you to keep behaving like this. And if you have DC's it may be time to ensure that you show them how to have a grown up relationship & not be a door mat (I was one for ages, so speak in my experience there). Hugs. Maybe the relationship is too hard to continue with if he isnt committed to helping it survive too.

Thanks - it's a very difficult situation. Too long winded to explain all over here but yes essentially in Nov we decided to make a go of things and then in Jan he turned all weird again then I found he was still e mailing her etc. So we then separated and decided to divorce. I was away for 4 weeks on holidays and when I came back he had a huge breakdown and said he doesn't know what he's been doing. He then told me everything (unlikely I know before I get loads of comments telling me he didn't but a lot more than before) about what he had been doing. He appears remorseful and is now acting the perfect husband and father. I don't know I can't explain how I feel and I'm sure I am a doormat.

I asked him to see a GP and get referred to a psych as he seems all over the place and he has agreed to go to counselling if I want to give things a go. I just don't know how to make that decision. The whole thing makes me feel so sick.

The key word there is acting

You don't have to make a decision.
You can tell him that it's too big a decision right now. So he can go tell his woe is me crap to a counsellor whilst you have SPACE. Tell him you're not deciding for at least 6 months. See if he can keep up the act and commit to counselling for more than 3

Remember that YOU are in charge of your decision and timescales - not him.

Thank you very wise words and good advice!

Mine cheated and left me for OW, and we were in the middle of a divorce, 3 years after he left, when we got back together. We are happy and I do trust him, but our relationship is different. Before he cheated I loved him deeply, but the love I have for him now is different. Not as intense; maybe because some of the hurt is still there and i'm now a realist knowing that love isn't always forever. It's sad but the experience of being cheated on kind of hardens you. I would definitely say give it a try - otherwise you would always wonder 'what if?'.

Thank you livelovebehappy that's good to know and yes that's kind of how I feel - that I will always be wondering but then my head is telling me I'd be a fool to try after everything that has happened. I guess like Ellis says I don't have to decide right now so I guess it's just gonna take time to figure it all out

Except why would OP wonder "what if?"
She knows what if.
Because she's been through this shitty cycle with him once Skeats.
Here's the what if: he does it again.

Definitely bide your time and don't rush any decisions. It's clear, no point in me hiding it - I'm not neutral and think it would be a mistake to take back a man whose response to you taking him back last time was to drop the act pretty bloody quickly, get back with the same OW, and neatly blame you in the process because you couldn't forgive him. Yeah, poor lamb

At least give yourself some time to see how much effort he puts into repairing this. Joint counselling is something you can still do without getting back together. See how that goes first. Don't get back with him and wait to see if the trust comes back. Make it a condition of trying again that you only do it after you feel some trust repaired by him.

One of my best friends stayed with her husband after finding out about a long affair he had. Three years in, and they are very happy and closer than they were before the affair. They have 3 grown children, and a lifetime of love and caring about one another (40 years together). He was deeply remorseful and cut off all communication with the ow, and I don't think they could have stayed together without this.

I did stay on a further 6 months after my first H cheated - and actually I could forgive him, quite easily. What I couldn't do was forget - it was all I thought about. But we did salvage a friendship out of the mess and co-parented very well and years later, now both remarried, we're still good friends. So if your marriage isn't salvageable, a friendship might be.

DS1's Dad had an affair while I was pregnant with DS1. I found out, took him back because we were about to have a baby together and spent the remaining part of my pregnancy and the first 5 months of DS1's life trying to work it out. It turns out he hadn't stopped at all; he'd just got better at hiding his affair.

He left, I went back to work full-time immediately and 11 years on we're ok. But I couldn't have spent another minute trying to forgive or forget when none of his actions showed me that he was invested in solving things; he'd use lines like "it's not even my fault, men have needs and you're different now you're pregnant" or "you don't show me enough attention". As soon as DS1 was born it was like a light switched on and he became background noise; I knew then that it wasn't going to last. Once someone shows you that side of themselves it's incredibly difficult to ever see them in any other light.

Could you and he have counselling together, without any promises about getting back together? It might help you process his actions regardless of whether you decide to give him another chance.

Right now he is probably assuming that he can move back into the house, into your bed and simply pick up where he left off. If he does agree to counselling once he's back, I'm betting his focus will be on how you need to "move on" and "can't keep punishing him".

I don't really think it's going to work between you guys he cheats repeatedly, lies to your face and doesn't seem genuinely remorseful but sometimes you have to exhaust all the options so you know you did everything you could.

He has "agreed" to go to counselling if you agree to get back together.

So he doesn't think he needs counselling. He has no personal desire to change. However he knows you think he needs it so he is willing to play along for a few sessions if it means you get back to washing his pants first. Nah. I wouldn't go for that.

Well no he doesn't have a problem with going - I've said if there's any way we can work this out we need to do counselling first - he agrees with me that it is necessary as opposed to has agreed under duress

OP Im 7months on from finding out about DH affair...'apparently' wasnt physical just someone he met on a night out and messaging for 4 weeks and he was just taken in by flattery. I was davasted. Same as yours desparate to make us work and put it behind us. Went through all the motions was a quivering wreck. Then there was a few other things that happenef almost immediately that took ovet...DS bullied at school to the point he got hives, my father became very ill then my best, best friend died. It's almost as if what had happened with DH was put on hold and although I hate to admit it I couldnt of coped without him. We did talk and he has said over and over again how sorry he is but nothing happened and it was just plain stupid and he felt flattered. I went as far as to see a solicitor to find out my rights etc. I felt and still do feel incrediably hurt at how he could do what he did. We had a night out recently and I got upset out the blue because we were having such a great time...I said how much he had hurt me...he got all defensive and said how we cant keep going over it again and again. That annoyed me. I told him that Im more than certain that we'ved stayed together because I just cant break my DS's heart...he would be just as devastated. I think that's true...I think if we were on our own I'd have ended it. All I read on these threads is how people wished they'd have ended it there and then as it happened again or thi gs didnt work out.

I feel alot stronger than I did 7 months ago but still unsure of where our future lies. I dont check his phone or email as much as I did but I still have a look every now and again as this is how I initially found out but Im not ready to stop. Who knows what will happen. I have good days when I love him as I always have then days when I think I should go it alone, start again and get on with my life (I would be fine just me and DS). Then today I had a moment...he said to me someone at work had split up from his wife..think the wife had left...he said he was so shocked because he'd never ever thought that they would split up, he thought they were solid...he felt sorry for this guy and was genuinely shocked. I just looked at him and thought to myself "can you hear what your saying". I was going to say well you know dont you think people would think the same about us but just couldnt be bothered.

Some days I see a happy ending other times I just think I wish I would just end it...but then I look at my DS and it would be me causing pain to him over what DH has done.

Sorry not much help to you OP but just wanted you to know it is such early days for you and I would say just take every day as it comes

I would suggest he does IC (individual counselling), before or alongside marriage counselling.

He needs to dig deep and figure out why he continues to cheat on you. He needs some self reflection to take place and he needs to become a safe partner.

I just read about a woman who took her cheating husband back and all that time, it never ended. It's heartbreaking.

www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=602822

You've already given him one second chance... How many will he get? And will he take reconciliation as... "she's always going to take me back"

Thanks yoohoo it's really good to hear your story - I really hope you guys stay together and are happy. I'm finding it really really tough this weekend as I've seen him more than I have recently and I go from wanting to sort everything out and be with him forever to not being able to even look at him without getting overwhelmed with anger and thinking I should just end it all.

Sandy yes I've suggested individual counselling to work out exactly why this happened not once but twice (and if it ever truly stopped). I'm at least going to go through with some more counselling to at least explore the situation a bit more and get some answers.

I'm not a very patient person so just want to know what the future holds right now! I worry so much and like you yoohoo I really do worry for my children especially the 3 year old.