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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What am I doing wrong?

26 replies

Ninarina · 11/04/2017 17:42

My mum passed away last year and I'm still in shock. She was my best friend. I felt very guilty for not believing her when she said she was ill and doctors never took it seriously. Our family has been dessimated. One sibling blames me entirely and we had a very difficult Xmas.
Dad has sold the house and moved to smaller place but still expects me to visit every day and cook and clean though he tells me off when I do this and says I should rest. But if I didn't clean the house would be a mess. Yesterday the food burned. The kitchen v small and cooker old. He got mad and said 'you make my life hell'. Since reading MN I now know he financially abused mum. She worked but he never let her have her own bank card. I gave her money when we went shopping. She wanted to go private for tests when she got ill but I resented always having to give her money and refused. She died and I hate myself. My dad was going to buy a house down south but now wants me to get a mortgage in my name even tho I have my own home and can't afford to move south. My siblings don't speak to me. I am having counselling but I feel worse than ever. I wish I was with my mum. I have no pleasure in my life at all. What would you do?

OP posts:
MrsJaniceBattersby · 11/04/2017 17:55

You poor thing , I'm sorry for your loss
You are not responsible for how others choose to lead their life
Your father chose not to give your mother money
Stop carrying the guilt
Why can't your father get a mortgage ?

isseywithcats · 11/04/2017 17:58

forgive yourself , stand up to your dad tell him you are not going to move down south he obviously treated your mom this way his way or the highway and you need to tell him you are not your mom, tell your sibling that though you regret how things have turned out you cant change them, and grieve for your mom by not grieving you will feel worse than you do now , and learn to love yourself again, xxx

Original poster
Ninarina · 11/04/2017 18:00

Thank you. Means a lot.
He could buy a house outright but I think he likes hoarding money and he wants to use me like he used my mum.

OP posts:
SayNoToCarrots · 11/04/2017 18:03

It is not your fault your mother died.

It is not your fault, and you do not have to make it up to people who have no right to blame you.

Do not let your father try to control you the way he did your mother.

Take a step back, and think about what is best for you. No one will treat you any worse than they already do.

deckoff · 11/04/2017 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 11/04/2017 18:05

I'm so sorry for you loss- it is not your fault. I imagine that your siblings are not speaking to you due to their own feelings of guilt. Please think about what is best for you and as pp said, do not allow your father to control you.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 11/04/2017 18:07

Could you possibly arrange more counselling sessions? Do you have any friends/hobbies who can help give you something else to focus on?

deckoff · 11/04/2017 18:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ninarina · 11/04/2017 18:20

Thank you everyone. How do I get it moved to Relationships section? I'm so isolated in real life that these virtual hugs and flowers feel like blessings right now. Thank you for being kind to a stranger x

OP posts:
PurpleMinionMummy · 11/04/2017 18:26

Nothing, you're doing nothing wrong.

You know your Dad is financially abusive so you know not to go with the mortgage thing right?

Your siblings probably feel guilty and it's easier to blame you. Where was everyone else when your Mum was ill? It's not your fault she died.

Counselling often makes things worse before they get better. Your Mum wouldn't want you feeling guilty and she'd want you to enjoy your life I'm sure.

deckoff · 11/04/2017 18:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Huldra · 11/04/2017 18:35

Sorry to hear about your Mum.

Like others have said it's really not your fault at all. Do you know why your siblings blame you? Where were they and where are they now?

You are also not responsble for your Dad, his food or his house. It sounds as if he wants you to replace your Mum in some way.

Rossigigi · 11/04/2017 18:36

O lovely I'm so sorry I haven't much to add just sending you a massive hug Flowers

MNHQ
ToniMumsnet · 11/04/2017 18:45

We will be moving this thread to Relationships soon.

Footle · 11/04/2017 18:56

I'm not sure from your posts whether you live alone. If so, it makes you all the more vulnerable to his abusive ways.
You need someone to talk things through with. Women's Aid should be able to advise you.

user1471558436 · 11/04/2017 18:56

Look this is 100% not your fault. Your GP didn't take her seriously and your dad should have paid for tests. It's not the norm for kids to pay.

I suspect you are the but of their anxt because pointing the finger elsewhere is easier then dealing with their grief.

You need to be very clear with your dad. Consider visiting alternate days so that you're needs are met.

deckoff · 12/04/2017 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Footle · 12/04/2017 12:06

Nina , I hope you'll get support from your counsellor to keep your distance from your father.

pumpkinmoon1 · 12/04/2017 12:39

I am so sorry to read this. I was/am in a similar situation. My mother passed away in 2013 following an 8 month illness due to cancer. I still lived at home and her partner had lived with us for around 20 years. She owned the house and had already paid off the mortgage by the time she met him. She left the house to me and before she died told me that the house was mine to do what I wanted with. They also owned the house that he had moved from. My plan was to give him time and support in moving into this other house, but within 4 days of my mother dying, he kicked off after returning from the pub, like he used to with her. I hit the roof, went to stay with a friend and told him I wanted him out. At first he wouldn't leave but eventually did and I returned to the house. Aside from this, my aunt and two uncles who I was close to, no longer really have anything to do with me other than sending me a birthday and Christmas card. I don't see them from one year to the next. It does sting, but I try to just get on with things and not let it bother me.

Do you have friends who are supportive? It is very unfair for your father to put this kind of pressure on you. I know it is easier said than done, but I would be inclined to stand up to him. You don't need to cook and clean for him. You are not his wife. He needs to learn to do this for himself. You have been through the worst thing that anyone can go through and I know how difficult it is. I tried to tell myself that I have lost the most important person to me, now all I can do is try to take care of myself, stuff the people who don't want anything to do with me, I can't change that and that is their issue. Just try to live the best life that you can for yourself. I hope this makes some sort of sense, as I am not good at conveying what I am trying to say very well.

Cricrichan · 12/04/2017 12:46

You don't need to feel any guilt and stop helping your dad out and ignore your siblings! Your father can afford to get his own home and he can do his own bloody housework. If he doesn't want to then he should hire someone to do it for him or your siblings can do it if they're inclined.

Your mum didn't need money for tests - we have the NHS so she should have pushed for tests there.

Original poster
Ninarina · 13/04/2017 09:16

Hi everyone. To answer some questions that have come up.
My siblings live in different cities. I have a much younger DS who is directly blaming me. I can see her point as I was the one with Mum and seeing her every day and I've beaten myself to a pulp about why I believed the GP and didn't demand answers. Actually I did ring up surgery and was flatly told it was confidential and they wouldn't discuss my mum with me. Also my own DC was and still is suffering from MH issues and I was consumed by that. I have my own house but since mum passed my dad calls every morning and asks when I will get there.
He can drive and he cooks but he can't keep house tidy and he likes to be served his meals the way mum used to do. One of the saddest memories is watching my mum cooking while wearing an oxygen mask. She was so ill but still felt it was her duty. I used to get so angry.
I did have friends but because I feel so sad I have isolated myself. I work from home very sporadically. I don't care about money and it didn't do my mum any good anyway.

I have to change things I know as I'm sinking and feel like the living dead. I'm just very very sad. I'm sorry I didn't help her I'm sorry I didn't say sorry. Thanks again for reading my ramblings x

OP posts:
Hermonie2016 · 13/04/2017 09:31

This is so sad.Your mum sounds like an amazing women.

Guilt is a natural feeling to have when we lose someone so dear, the shock and sadness makes us feel we should have done more but that isn't the case.

It can take years to get through grief and often there is no way to rush it.We grieve for the person and for the losses that happen as a result of losing that person.Your mum may have kept the family together so her influence is missing.

Your dsis is likely to be angry and blaming you, is she at school? If so can she access a counsellor? There are always charities that provide counselling for young adults.

Losing your mum at any age is very tough to deal with.The pain does reduce with time.

Footle · 13/04/2017 09:49

That's really made me angry. If anyone should feel guilty about your mum's death it's him, not you. But I know how these things can eat away at us.
Please don't go every day. Talk to Age UK about finding a reliable agency for the cleaning and cooking he needs and can pay for. Please point out again to your sister that the doctors got it wrong.
He's not the one who needs rescuing - that's you!

Original poster
Ninarina · 13/04/2017 09:57

Awww thank you so much. It makes a world of difference to get another perspective. My sister is in her 30s with a very good career in London. She hadid a massive meltdown at Christmas where she didn't talk to me for two days even tho I had to take my DC to emergency mental hospital. Then on Xmas day when we sat down to eat she tore into me saying I killed mum because I was selfish. She actually used those words: you killed mum. Needless to say that completely undid any progress I had made with counsellor. We are still not talking. We were very close before. Right now my DC home from uni and screaming in room that I'm a Bitch who ruined their life etc. It's all very wearing. X

OP posts:
pumpkinmoon1 · 13/04/2017 12:44

She must have known she was ill also as the others must have. It seems to me like everything fell on you and they were happy for it to do so. Your dad standing back and letting her cook while she was obviously so ill is disgusting. I'm sure he does want his meals served to him as your mother used to do, my step dad expected the same of me, as she used to deliver it to him on a tray whilst he sat on his arse in front of the TV. It's not your place. Anyone can keep a house tidy, he just sounds like he wants you to do it for him instead.