Dating an Autistic man

[Maille]

NC because it is early days and I don't want this to link to my recognisable name.

I wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience. I recently began seeing someone who has shared with me that they have Autism. He is a wonderful, creative, talented and amazing person, and comes with various quirks which I find incredibly charming.

The only thing is, I have no knowledge of Autism. It hasn't changed the way I feel about him whatsoever, but I feel like I should know more about it and how it might affect him and what it means in terms of a potential relationship.

Placemarking.
OP, he is a person, perhaps a little different to others but hang in there and grow together.
Also recommend Tony Attwood but it takes a bit of reading!

^^agree with this. Would just highlight though that it's a two-way street. You need to learn about him and how his brain works and how to work with his needs and wants and he needs to do exactly the same with you.

That's the same as any relationship, but with this mix it needs to be a little more conscious that two partners without ASD. If he is not doing this, that's when the serious problems can occur (for you, long term). So be sure that you're not doing all the work on this.

*than

You are in a strong position, because both of you are aware and can be reflective from the get go. My DH is recently, informally diagnosed and it's been a revelation. It's been tough for us.

I'm married to a man with an undxed ASC. He is a 'typical' aspie in a STEM job. He si amazing although frustrating at times. He si very change averse. We ahve benn together over 20 years, married for 17 and we have 2 DCs (both of whom have ASCs). Our relationship is incredibly strong.
However, the process of assessing my DCs has meant I realised my DF is also hihgly likely to be an undxed aspie and his relationship with my mother was dreadful!
I don't find my father difficult at all and neither does my SM but my DM cannot cope with him at all.
My DH is very direct, he says what he means (which I find refreshing), he is routine driven and likes the status quo ( we ahve the same wallpaper and carpets that were in the house when we moved in 17 years ago because to change it means much disruption.
I do think wonder about my own brain. I score very higly on the online ASC tests (as in I score asif I am unlikely to be NT) which maybe why DH and I match.
I can totally see how someone else might be driven bonkers by my DH but I think he's amazing and wouldn't chnage him for the world.

Quick note: NT means someone without any cognitive differences or mental health problems at all. It's not just about autism. Someone with organic depression, for example, is not neurotypical.

(Reactive issues are a bit more debatable, but I'd say anyone with mental health problems can identify as neuroatypical/neurodiverse/whatever, if they find it helpful)

Yes, this means "neurotypical" probably refers to a minority of the population, but a group doesn't have to a be a majority to hold a disproportionate amount of social/cultural power over everyone else.

The usual word for non-autistic people is, as far as I know, "allistic". Though I don't find that enough people know it yet for it to be useful. I could say the same for "neurotypical", but the meaning of that is a bit more obvious from the word.

Doing curious googling, and "neuroexceptional" seems to be another option.

I find this pretty interesting, but I should have made clear that there's a strong element of social politics in the use of these kinds of words, more than anything medical. Which I like, but it's important to retain a distinction, primarily because the medical world often lags behind a bit.

My husband is undiagnosed thus far but likely to be on the spectrum- he's currently being assessed.

He's wonderful and we have a brilliant marriage. Couldn't be happier.

I just have to remind myself sometimes that he doesn't always understand my nuanced phrasing so I try to be more direct in what I'm saying. It's actually fantastic- I get to say "I don't want to do this" etc without having to beat about the bush. It's very liberating!

My DP is ASD, and we have a great life together.

Everyone on the spectrum is very different so I'm reluctant to generalise, but a lot of what PP's have said is ringing true.

I am very direct with him & and he is very honest as well, sometimes it's like a filter is missing (in my NT mind). If I want something doing nagging definitely doesn't work. Social Convention such as gift giving can be a bit of a mine field. For example: MIL has said she doesn't mind not celebrating Mothers Day -DP has taken this at face value, but I know she would be gutted not to receive a card so make sure something is organised.

He is quirky, loyal, funny & I wouldn't have him any other way!

My husband has HFA. He is wonderful. The most kind, caring, generous person I've ever met. He'd give the shirt off his back to a stranger. He's honest to a fault and fiercely loyal.

He does struggle to understand other peoples' emotions which really worries him in case he gets it wrong. He always asks me, 'are you angry with me/upset with me' because he can't tell at all.

I find that if there is something bothering me I have to be brutally honest. Dropping hints doesn't work. Others who watch us think I'm mean to him, but I'm not, I dealing with him in a way he understands and which he appreciates.

I am in love with and live with a man with autism (and indeed now a child with autism)

I have been in love with men before. They ALL have faults, idiosyncrasies, habits that you hate - see the threads in what does your partner do to make you hate them.

The fact that autism is the cause of some of his annoying traits is no different really than if his upbringing/socialisation etc was the cause.

Another

www.rctcbc.gov.uk/EN/Tourism/Thingstodo/HistoryandHeritage/MythsLegendsHeroesStories/TheLadyoftheLake.aspx

A very local legend (and actually one repeated in many ways across many areas and cultures) lady of the lake- for which my children's school is named and they march around the lake every year in a little tribute to the legend.

haffiana I am shocked by the hate speech in that website. That is not most people's experiences at all. It is a deeply dehumanising and dangerous website that portrays people on the ASD spectrum as dangerous, violent and lacking empathy. It is disgusting and shouldn't be being broadcast as fact.

Whatslovegottodo
I'm not going to defend hafiana's link, however some people's experience of being in a relationship with an undiagnosed HFA person is pretty devastating. Many many people with HFA are able to be reciprocal in a relationship and that is great. Some however are not, and the issues that arise for the NT partner are traumatic and similar to those raised by abuse. It is not the fault of either partner. The mismatch and miscommunication can be very damaging though, usually for the NT partner though not exclusively. Actually, I wonder if some people with ASD are badly bullied by there NT spouses and aren't aware/able to get out of it. My experience was more that my DH's behaviour was effectively emotionally abusive, although not intentional. He wasn't able to cope with any emotion I showed. He was very critical. He ignored my preferences because he was obviously right so why would we do it my way?

Now I understand how he thinks I am much more able to communicate with him, protect myself, make our life more balanced. OP is in a stronger situation than I was because both she and her BF are aware.

standingup yes I am not arguing with what you say or invalidating people's experiences at all. I can totally see why some relationships have real difficulties. But dangerous hate speech is a different matter.

I think I have some 'Aspie' traits although not officially diagnosed. That site is truly terrible in it's abruptness. ASD is a continuum some have only a few traits and some are quite problematic.
As far as I have read (not that site!) the incidence of SOME degree of ASD behavior is around 1 in 250 so hardly uncommon. My wife is NT and she has several annoying traits, which proves nothing.
You could justifiably turn things on their head and say that 'NT' people are not suited to 'Aspies' as they lack dedication (or other attributes).
Sorry if not expressing this well, I am shocked, like Whatslove.

I think it's written by terribly damaged people who didn't find support when they needed it. I haven't looked at it, but I think I saw it when trying to understand my own situation. The name rings a bell.
It is an under acknowledged situation I think- probably lots of people being accused of abuse and others feeling abused. I really wish we had realised what was happening to us earlier. That said, it doesn't seem to have bothered him, just me! He'd argue he's had a great deal out of our relationship, I think!

I think it's going to turn out to be much higher than 1 in 250. Or perhaps it's the circles I move in... (DH, DS1, DN1...)

Whatslovegottodo I don't know, I found it by googling. However, it is clearly the experience of a not inconsiderable number of people, and I would hate to add to their misery by dismissing them and their experiences. I also think that reading a site like that may prove a godsend to someone who is in a similar position even if it does not apply to others.

I know quite a few people on the spectrum and I find it trite to attempt to boil it down to eg 'not 'doing' hidden meanings'. Although, who knows, maybe that is all it is in some, but I doubt it.

I have seen it likened to a form of blindness where the person concerned has never experienced sight, but knows only that it is something that others have without any concept of what that might actually be like. It doesn't make them less of a person, but it does make their experiencing of life different. I think we can agree on that, yes? But then, you have to add in the ASD twist in the tail - that they cannot bring in the concept that a person who (in this analogy)can see has a different experience of life to them. That is where the 'problem' lies, and this is what those people on that website are suffering. It is the denying by their ASD partners of their experience of their relationship, because those ASD partners will never/can never understand how isolating it feels to have a partner with ASD.

@Pickle, There are suggestions that it is at least part hereditary so it may show at various levels and 'types of issue' through a family. As far as I understand it the brain gets 'wired' slightly differently in some people which concentrates some brain activity unduly, a hint of 'obsessive' if you will so rather than liking working with numbers the same as other people you like working with numbers a LOT.
Forgive me it I am talking rubbish or worse, upsetting anyone.
@Standingup. Points well made. I am being accused of being EA but my attempts of showing love are more 'practical' than emotional and were misinterpreted.

I am a woman with ASD, recently diagnosed aged 37, having struggled with relationships all my life. The subtext thing a pp mentioned rings so true but I've not spelled it out to myself before - that's the one thing DH and I seem to fall out about most. I think I can guess what the hate speech site was from googling over the past few years...

Personally I see loads of NT relationships with issues caused by different communication styles and people not understanding themselves very well, and I think as long as you verbalise this and work together to build as much insight as you can, you'll be able to find ways around any stumbling blocks that come up.

If he's already told you about his autism then he's obviously open to discussing it with you and probably wants to start with as much of a stable grounding as possible so that's a good sign! Not many relationships begin with that much honesty

Wow this thread has had a great response. I am grateful for the advice you have all given so far, even if I don't reply directly to any of you.

The more time I spend with him the more I can tell what he struggles with and what he doesn't. He definitely can't read subtext or sarcasm, so I know I have to be far more direct with him. That can be difficult, just because I have been so "conditioned" in life where use of subtext is concerned. Sarcasm not so much.

I didn't get to ask him about it though, because we were so wrapped up in each other I never thought to ask! Another truly wonderful evening with my creative genius

I think I might be developing feelings for him already! (Although I have known him a couple of years already).

Good to hear. You may both need to work on coping strategies for some aspects but that is life and if taken in an open way you can have a great future.

There is a tendency to be very focused among people with ASD. At the moment he is very focused on you. It's possible that when he has 'achieved' the relationship (mastered the skill, completed the task) you will feel a bit neglected as his focus moves on (a new creative project etc). It won't mean he doesn't love you, just that the 'winning you' part of the relationship is over. If you need a lot of attention, you might find this difficult. Getting the balance right can be tricky- too focused and it feels creepy (stalker), not enough and it feels like disinterest (neglect). It must be really hard to manage close relationships when you're not quite tuned in to other people's social cues- like trying to tie shoelaces with thick leather gloves on.