There are some women out there who genuinely wish they could be better wives or girlfriends, and I am writing this for those women who appreciate a bit of honesty about what men want - and yes, most of this does relate to sex. For those women who are open to hearing that, then I hope you find this helpful. For those ardent feminists, or man-hating Mumsnet guardians, who think this is a major human rights violation of some kind, then... sorry. (More on that below.).
Inevitably what I write will be generalisation, but as a guy in his 40s on his third marriage, having been around a bit, with a lot of male friends and colleagues also, and some experience counselling, I know this all applies to perhaps 90-95% of men. And If I say things about women, again it's a generalisation, so take it for what it is.
- Sex. Yes, married men would want sex much more regularly on the whole than they get (really, in my view, twice a week is pretty much the acceptable minimum for a couple under 60). But what truly depresses most married men, far more than the lack of regularity of sex, is actually that their wives simply show no interest in sex itself.
Any husband would take a woman who was sensual and enthusiastic and made a positive effort once every two weeks, then a woman who reluctantly rolls over to have missionary duty-sex once or twice a week. There is nothing more depressing, transparent, un-erotic and life-sapping than a woman doing duty-sex, and yet that is what almost all married men have to live with. What makes it worse, of course, is that this is not who most men dated or married to begin with, when so many women put on the show of being energetic sex bunnies.
But a woman who makes an effort, who does something unexpected, is a gem. So, ask yourself when you last actually thought about doing something new or different in the bedroom, when you last buy a sexy outfit or a toy, when did you last instigate a sexual act outside the bedroom (or, shock horror, the house)? If you ask yourself these questions regularly enough, you'll be well on the way to a happy husband.
- Lingerie. Men love women in nice lingerie, but for most married women it is purely functional and they have no interest in even wearing matching lingerie, let alone anything sexy, even at weekends or during a time spent together. This is an easy win.
- Presentation. This key principle is that men simply do not want to hear about women's health issues, or anything that a lady should not be talking about. There are millions of women in this country, but very very few ladies who understand the restraint that involves. This is really a function of good manners and etiquette as much as anything. So, men don't want to hear about anything to do with your private parts, body hair, etc. They don't want to see you adopting any un-lady like habits during marriage; breaking wind, burping, etc. just say to the world you have given up and frankly don't give a damn any more about being either lady like or attractive to your husband. Same goes for doing any body maintenance in front of your husband. All those things should be done, if they have to, in private, away from your husband's eyes and ears (not even leaving a razor out in the bathroom). If you want a happy man, you should focus on presenting yourself as something he desires. Body hair - anywhere other than the top of your head, eyebrows and (these days) a very moderate amount below the bikini line, is totally unacceptable. Men don't want to touch it, see it or hear about it. There are plenty of solutions, including having laser treatment (I don't know why this isn't something every woman does). A hairy arm, top lip, leg, side burn, or whatever else is a truly awful thing.
It is partly for this reason that some English men do like East Asian women, because they are generally more effeminate and also are naturally hairless in most areas. Anyway, I digress.
- Chat. Partly covered in 3 above, but one specific other area that men find a turn-off is when women speak in juvenile terms about body parts, particularly referring in giggling tones to someone's "willy" or "bum", for example, is an immediate signal and turn-off. So too is women speaking in clinical terms, like "penis" or "vagina". For men, private parts are, believe it or not, primarily sexual, and adult women who want to engage with their husbands should engage in more "adult" usage if they want to connect. It goes back to point 1, about men wishing their wives shared a more sensual / sexual mindset. This can help.
- Porn. I really could not believe my ears when I heard a couple of my friends say that their wives did not approve of them watching porn. And, then I have read threads on here of wives coming to the "community" to panic about what to do about their husband (sorry, "DH".... that's another posting altogether, god help us) watching a bit of kinky porn now and again and whether it's "acceptable" or not. Firstly, to state the blindingly obvious, it's not a question of whether a wife should allow, approve or tolerate her husband watching porn, or watching sport, or watching UFC or watching whatever on earth he wants to watch, if it's legal. He's an adult, a separate person, and that's the end of it. But much more relevant to this post about making your guy happy, it again links back to 1, and tells your husband you have no idea about his needs or wants and frankly no care, and that you are prudish, which is the opposite of what he wishes you were. Sorry, but that's the truth.
I appreciate porn is not many women's cup of tea. Of course, a woman who DOES like porn, either alone or together with her husband, is a great find. But even if you don't, if your focus is on him being happy, then just embrace it as much as you can. Remember, your husband gets no immediate pleasure from you using a sex toy, but can you imagine if he objected to you doing it? That would, of course, be ridiculous and out of order. Much better for him to participate, if his goal is to make you happy, and the reverse is the same. So, next time you think of ticking off your husband - who, by the way DOES watch porn REGULARLY, whatever he says - why not do something spontaneous, sexual and ground-breaking, whatever that may be (be creative with it).
Again, to those women who are interested in what men want, this is a little set of tips to help you on your way to making your man happier. It may not all be immediately achievable, but that's okay, it's primarily an explanation, nothing more, so you can better relate and adjust if you want to.
And, again, for those women who see this as the ultimate display of sexism blah blah, and are reaching for the pitch-forks or furiously typing a response about why men don't understand they are too tired for X, too busy for Y, and would do these things if only their husbands did A, B and C, and unrealistic expectations of women, etc. etc., then you really missed the point.
Bye Bye!
Peter