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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

6 years, a child and he cheats on me! - long post please read

27 replies

unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 09:41

I just need someone to help me get my head around everything-
me a DP have been together 7 years and have a 3 year old little boy.
Hes never been one to go out, or lie and ive never caught him even speaking to another woman before- now the last few months i can feel something is up, hes working late, hes more concerned about his appearance etc.. all the textbook signs and i ask and ask and he calls me a nutcase! then one day he comes home and tells me hes been texting his best friends wife.. and the best friend has found out (only reason hes told me.. PRICK) so its all kicked off on both sides and they promised that that all it was, i just wouldn't drop it and managed to get it out of him they had met up for drinks etc.. then i manage to discover they had sex.. not once but 3 times!! got hold of his phone bill and see the extent they where talking to each other, it was excessive! so he promises to cut all ties, she refuses to speak to me ( we where friends before) and then he decides he wants to leave me.. how suspicious! then to cut a long shitty story short they get caught together AGAIN... as soon as her husband found out she switched on my DP blamed it all on him and claimed he harassed her, flattered her, wouldn't leave her alone etc.. DP begged for months to get me back and for the sake of our little boy i am trying o forgive... leading up to this betrayal we where never having sex and rowing a fair bit.. i know that's no excuse but that's his reason! KNOB

Its been a few months now and i just cant drop it.. I'm so paranoid about everything and my self esteem is in the gutter.. am i wasting my time killing myself to hold my family together?

OP posts:
whatnextfred · 11/04/2017 09:43

Yes you are. You are worth more than this.

pinkyredrose · 11/04/2017 09:44

Yes. You can't trust him.

inlectorecumbit · 11/04/2017 09:47

He is an arse
You deserve better as does your DS
LTB
Flowers

HerOtherHalf · 11/04/2017 09:48

As noble as it sounds, I think the old "for the sake of the kids" rationale is very misplaced. Your son will be much more likely to thrive as the child of a happy single parent than as that of two miserable, bickering parents trying and failing to make the most of a failed relationship. If you want to make your marriage work for your sake then do but if you can't forgive or don't want to then move on with your life - you and your son will be so much happier. I would also say that the chances of your husband never repeating his infidelity are low. He has betrayed you, his child and his friend and, even when caught the first time, was prepared to risk all your happiness again. He's a shit husband, a shit father and a shit friend. You can do a lot better. Being on your own would be a lot better.

DtD1986 · 11/04/2017 09:49

Once a cheat always a cheat. if u accept to forgive it's going to build up and make you a shell of your former self. I think it's time to stand up for what u truly believe in no matter how hard.
Walk away!

Summerof85 · 11/04/2017 09:55

Im no expert but I'd only heard anything the term gaslighting from reading Mumsnet. Look up the definition. It seems he was doing this to you as well as cheating on you. You knew something was wrong and he was possibly cheating, when you confronted him, he called you a nutcase, this is gaslighting. He only admitted it when he got found out. Some partner and best friend he is, cheating on both of you. No wonder your self esteem is so low. Flowers

Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 09:55

I 100% would have kicked his ass out for good if i could afford to be alone too- there are so many reasons i cant.. deep down i just want to be on my own rather than live like this!!

i do work, but my salary would no way cover my rent and bills and childcare costs!

OP posts:
Summerof85 · 11/04/2017 09:57

*only heard of the term gaslighting on mumsnet

Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 10:01

gaslighting narcissistic prick

OP posts:
category12 · 11/04/2017 10:05

You might be eligible for tax credits and such, if you were a lone parent. Do some checking online with the benefits calculator and child support one. Also, your bills would reduce somewhat with the removal of one adult.

HerOtherHalf · 11/04/2017 10:08

"i do work, but my salary would no way cover my rent and bills and childcare costs!"

You are being defeatist. It may be daunting and it may well be hard but you will find a way to make it work. Are you saying the 100s of 1000s of single parents in the UK who manage to provide for themselves and their children have got something you don't? Take your time if needs be, look into what benefits and child maintenance you'd be entitled to, use the combined knowledge of all those on here who have been through it already and make a plan. If you want to do it you will, just believe in yourself and don't settle for a shit life because change is scary.

Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 10:09

I've looked into tax credits, i can get them and i can get some money towards my rent, i live in the city so my rent is nearly 1000 and they would only help with 50%, rent so i would be pretty fucked... along with paying off debt WE got together each month i would be pretty screwed (angry)

OP posts:
Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 10:11

Herotherhalf

"just believe in yourself and don't settle for a shit life because change is scary"

Love it

OP posts:
category12 · 11/04/2017 10:18

It might be that you could write off the debt or get a debt management plan. OK, not great for your credit rating, but you could rebuild it over time. It's not the end of the world. No point resenting him over debt you put in your name, however, it'll do you no good. Important you don't allow him to create any more in your name or jointly.

Find a smaller place/further out?

Misstic · 11/04/2017 10:22

Presumably he would also have to contribute towards the care of your son?

I think you should get out.

HappCatt · 11/04/2017 10:25

I understand that you can't magic money out of thin air but surely you can't stay with him just because of finances. 😳 That would feel like slow torture. Hopefully you at least have him in the spare room.

Adora10 · 11/04/2017 10:27

How can you have or even get any respect back for him after what he has done; prolonged consistent cheating, lying, the lot; nah, sorry he's crossed a line that I'd not come back from.

You will find a zillion reasons to stay especially for financial reasons but honestly OP, I'd recommend you take the hit, lean on your family and start again, without this horrible git that thinks nothing of shitting all over you; oh, and his friend.

joystir59 · 11/04/2017 10:28

Start thinking that to put up with this situation is totally unacceptable- therefore change is inevitable- and work step by step towards a life without your cheating DP. You can do it- people here and in real life will help you. Do you have support of friends/family? Start talking with anyone in RL who can provide support- make your decision to change your life real by sharing it with others. Look into what you need to do to bring about that change. Step by step, one day at a time. Don't settle for putting up with this, it isn't good for you or your child.

DtD1986 · 11/04/2017 10:32

Same situation recently partner left me with 2kids and I'm going to struggle with bills rent ect but I know I would rather struggle through the bad times than been with someone who cheats and lies that is no life and no amount of security or money will ever make u feel better. It's not nice and it's not easy but sometimes ur self worth has to come first and that makes u more of a better mum than sticking with someone who does not respect you
Keep strong xx

Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 10:39

Thanks everyone.. these comments are the push i need to stop being a fucking doormat!! i don't know why but it makes it worse that she is really quite unattractive.. i think id prefer it id she was a stunner!

petty i know...

OP posts:
notapizzaeater · 11/04/2017 10:44

Have you run your figures through entitled2.co.uk. Don't forget he would have to pay maintenance

redjoker · 11/04/2017 11:01

As a Child from a similar story, leave the hate at the door with his bin bags of clothes and get rid! your child will thank you trust me!

yetmorecrap · 11/04/2017 12:20

Please factor in maintanance if you have a child, a lot of people forget this

Original poster
unmumsyma · 11/04/2017 12:33

he earns good money, probably about 3k a month.. will i get some of this then?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 11/04/2017 13:03

Apart from the obvious deceit, the key point here seems to be that you tried to make it work once on condition he broke all ties with her, but that he carried right on

Please believe me when I say that trying to forgive him once is one thing - but if you do it again he really will see it as carte blanche to behave exactly as he likes Sad