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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

im having an afair

32 replies

imsostupid · 09/03/2007 12:10

ive been with my dp for 4 years and in that time he has cheated on me twice. the last time was a few weeks ago and i was feeling really hurt. i arranged to meet my ex and then didnt cos that wouldnt have been fair to do something just to get revenge. my ex sent me an email a few days ago to see how i was feeling and to ask if i was ok and wanted to meet for a coffee (we are good friends now) so i did and we chatted for a couple of hours. when i was leaving i gave him a hug and then i ended up kissing him (thats as far as it went) now i cant stop thinking about him.

my sex life with dp has been non existant for a while and now its great cos im thinking about my ex.

i really dont know what to do im so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
imsostupid · 09/03/2007 12:17

please dont think im a troll or a bad person im just confused

OP posts:
charliecat · 09/03/2007 12:17

If you and your partner are cheating on each other why bother?

RanToTheHills · 09/03/2007 12:18

didn't you post on this before? I remember yr name.

kittylette · 09/03/2007 12:19

leave your hubby, then shag your ex

Original poster
imsostupid · 09/03/2007 12:21

i dont want to leave since this happened its been better than it has been for ages

OP posts:
lulumama · 09/03/2007 12:21

you're not confused

you want to have your cake and eat it, becasue your DP has

make a decision

leave and shag who you want

or stay and make things work, but DP has to take some responsibility

TBH, would not really be considering staying with someone who had cheated on me twice and i was considering cheating too

sounds like a fresh start all round would be better

Original poster
imsostupid · 09/03/2007 12:23

i know my dp loves me but my ex wants me and it feels nice to be wanted

OP posts:
LilyLoo · 09/03/2007 12:24

Stop right there. If you have been cheated on surely you don't want to hurt someone else the same way. You obviously have massive issues that you need to work through. You both need to talk to each other to see if there is anything left to work for in your relationship. You are obviously hurt and you will probably be using the same excuses to start this affair as your Dp gave to you on why he started his, but theres only one certain thing affairs always lead to more hurt. Getting revenge won't make you feel any better in the long run. You deserve to be in a happy relationship.

lulumama · 09/03/2007 12:24

well,, talk to your DP about how he makes you feel. or not feel.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldinghands · 09/03/2007 12:25

So you're not having an affair, actually, despite the title??

mytwopenceworth · 09/03/2007 12:26

do you think that on some level you are angry with your dh? that you want to show him how painful it is to be betrayed? to have some sort of 'revenge'?

Original poster
imsostupid · 09/03/2007 12:29

ive kissed another man which in my book is cheating and he is ment to be helping me with something from work so i know im gonna see him again.

why do i get into these messes

OP posts:
hunkermunker · 09/03/2007 12:30

Grow up.

ShinyHappyPeopleHoldinghands · 09/03/2007 12:31

You have choices here. If you don't want it to progress into a full blown affair then don't let it. Don't see him and explain that the kiss was a mistake.

lulumama · 09/03/2007 12:32

why do you get into these messes?

well, by not being adult about it, and knocking it on the head

a kiss , well, shit happens,,but the way you are talking is like something inevitably will happen and it won;t be your fault

well ,it will.

draw a boundary in your head, if you need to see him for work, keep it professional

if you don;t need to see him, don;t

playing with fire IMO

nh101 · 09/03/2007 12:32

First you need to decide if you and DP have a future. Do not cheat - it is not fair. Your ex will still be there in a few months if you decide to leave DP.

DimpledThighs · 09/03/2007 12:45

you need to sort out your relationship before you go shagging anyone - the desire to shag your ex will be greatly effected by the state of your current relationship.

You need to come to terms with the kiss - that wasn't cheating that is a kiss. How would you feel if you DH had kissed two other women rather than shagging them? Still bad but not as bad.

It seems like you feel that you have kissed him now so you have already cheated and the next step is shagging.

No it is not.

To shag him or not is your choice - don't act like it is ineveitable because you are going to see him again for work and stop talking like it is out of your hands.

Revenge shagging never works - stay responsible and mature and think careful about your next steps.

MamazonAKAfatty · 09/03/2007 12:52

You are in a bad relationship with no trust or love.

your ex comes along and your remembering old times with rose tintied glasses.

You need to not see your ex for a while so that you can think clearly about what it is you want from your life now.

decide if your marriage is worth saving, if so get some councelling or whatever it is you feel you need to get it back on track.

If not then leave. Don't leave so that you can be with your ex....he is after all an ex, he wouldn't be if he was that fantastic to be with!

give yourself some time to look at things and decide where you want to go next.

mylittlestar · 09/03/2007 12:54

agree with dimpledthighs and lulu - the kiss doesn't inevitably lead to anything more - that's your choice to make.

is the sudden attention and butterflies from doing something you shouldn't worth leaving dp for? if yes, then go.

don't mess with both blokes lives by having an affair. either forgive dp and give your relationship everything you've got. or move on.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2007 13:15

I apologise for trivialising a presumably serious thread, but I couldn't help wondering whether the dp and/or the ex has a twin brother. #cough#

ComeOVeneer · 09/03/2007 13:18

Annie funnily enough that thought also crossed my mind.

Anniegetyourgun · 09/03/2007 13:19

We are very bad, cynical people, COV, and should be ashamed of ourselves.

kittylette · 09/03/2007 13:20

a kiss is just a kiss, not an affair, unless you let it turn into that

surely you were hurt by your hubby when he did it to you , are you after revenge??

DimpledThighs · 09/03/2007 13:20

anniegetyourgun - I think you may have typed what a lot were thinking.....

kittylette · 09/03/2007 13:20

not me this time, lol, i swear

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