need to talk about dp.

[nikcola]

we live seperatly atm he bought a house last may dont it up and now its all done and liveable he wants me and dd to move in but only if i sign a contract to say i will not take half if i leave him (no its not a joke)
he thinks im going to screw him for every penny he has got because of something i once said in an argument. i live in a shitty council flat on benifits with dd with no garden his house is big and lovely with a huge garden for dd but im really not sure what to do i have nothing of my own and really want us to live together as a family as dd is 5 now and its waht she needs,

im really hurt that he dont trust me but i also dont want to be under the thumb if i move in as ill be scared if i say someting wrong he wil tell me to get out of his house. even thought the said he will never do that.
im so sick of living in this flat and want to give dd a better life just not sure what to do feel very depressed cant stop crying just feel unloved and need a hug

Oh nik, its never straightforward for you is it?
Do you think it is likely you will split? After all you've been through a hell of a lot together, haven't you? what happened re the arranged marriage btw?
I can understand your fear of losing your flat now - might be grotty but if you move in with him and the split, you will have to start again.

Dunno, babe. But people with better advice will be along soon. Just wanted you to know you're not ignored.

thanks hun. not its never east wish it was just once! he did get married about 2 years ago now she is still in pakistan and apparently she dont wantr to com over here now and wants to divorce him but i never seam to belive his family. just feel so alone now im in tears agin just want my mom to give me a hug how childish do i sound!

easy not east

Have you tried talking to someone at the Citizens Advice Bureau (it's free, and they can do telephone consultations)? Maybe they could give you some useful legal advice, and even suggest a few contract clauses for you to insist on. You've got a small child, you should insist on a certain amount of housing security. Also, if you're going to be at home all day, presumably doing all the housework and childcare, why shouldn't he give you a stake in the house?

Most worrying issues overall seem to be lack of trust and his need to be in control. At least you've got your eyes open. Giving dd a 'better life' might not necessarily involve bigger/better house.

{{{{{ Nik }}}}}

What a difficult situation - I can see how you must be torn. I just wonder if it's worth giving up your flat if he is going to then have a hold over you. What are you supposed to do if the relationship goes horribly wrong and you have to split up? He sounds incredibly selfish tbh - he should be thinking about how to provide for his daughter long-term, not covering his own back like this

btw I used to be spacedonkey and it's really nice to see your name on mn again

i havent thaough about the cab will give it a try. am going to town tomoorw so will pop in thanks, i dont work he works very very hard he is a mechanic for a big breakdwon firm mentioning no names! so he works long hours but its not like i do nothing he said if we split he will pay for dd i no he will but it just feels like i have got nothing and he has nice car (which im insured to drive but its still his car) and nice house tbh im jelous i want to get a job but its so hard with childcare and he works shifts so it wont work it just feels like caue i look after dd its worthless

hello spacedonkey,

he has written a will and has life insurance all left to me and dd but i dont care about what i get when he is dead im not the money grabber he thinks i am

anyone want to talk x

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if i did move in and we split up would i be intitled to another council property also would i be able to go back on benifits till i sorted myself out

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his marriage isnt recongnised over here as it is islamic marrige apparently i just see this as my only way out of this shithole we live in

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Hiya - This is really awkward situation, Would you be in a position to pay him half of the deposit money that he put down on the house? I know that you shouldn't have to, but if you did at least you wouldn't feel like a guest in his house. IMHO - I don't think it would matter if you signed something to say you were not entitled to anything because you would be living there with his dd and (although I am not sure ) I think that if anything were to happen, then you would be entitled to stay there with dd (and he has to pay) until she is 16. I am not too sure on that but am sure I have heard it somewhere, or maybe that is if you were married sorry - not much help after all

it was all becuause i mentioned once that you dont have to be married to be entitled to your share, i couldnt afford to pay half the deposit amd skint not even enough money to pay water bill this month he is good with money allways gives me and dd what we need.

i have looked on the council website for a swap but no one wants to swap with someone in a third floor flat

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i would rather keep my pride than prostitute myself for a house.

so your going to fuck him and give him a blow job regularly. look after the house, contribut financially at some point in the future - and in 5 years then what? in 10 years then what?

you end up BACK in a council flat.

stop relying on ment o get you out - do it yourself.

I don't think you should move in with him under these conditions-- it shows he doesn't trust you. Also there's the wife issue, which is a bit odd to say the least.
Can't you have a situation where you stay at his house regularly without having to move in?

Sorry to play devils advocate, but I don't see what the problem is. He wants you and dd to move in, he works hard, he's left it to you in his will and named you on life insurance. You are unhappy where you are and he's offering you what you want. He's just protecting himself, if it was the other way around and a woman posted that she'd worked hard to pay for a house and wanted her dp to move in but sign a clause to say he had no claim onthe property - everyone would be saying well done, protect yourself.

It wouldn't hurt to tell him that you have concerns that any disagreement and he'll chuck you out and see if there is some kind of way he can reassure you.

If I were you, I'd start packing and enjoy it.

thing is - as already mentioned if he bouht the house its his house anyway.

so whats with the clause shit? why mention it?

Hi nikcola, good to see you (it's Dinosaur here, you might remember me) but sorry that you are feeling so sad.

I know it must be very tempting to move into this nice house with your dd, but honestly, the whole situation sounds so insecure. What if he were to throw you out, then you'd have lost your council flat, wouldn't your situation then be desperate? I don't like to think of you putting all your eggs in this, tremendously insecure basket.

Sorry, that's probably not what you want to hear.

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thanks for all the replys. i have had a think and im going to just stay at his house at the weekends of a few nights here and there then dd can get to use the garden.