need to talk about dp.

[nikcola]

we live seperatly atm he bought a house last may dont it up and now its all done and liveable he wants me and dd to move in but only if i sign a contract to say i will not take half if i leave him (no its not a joke)
he thinks im going to screw him for every penny he has got because of something i once said in an argument. i live in a shitty council flat on benifits with dd with no garden his house is big and lovely with a huge garden for dd but im really not sure what to do i have nothing of my own and really want us to live together as a family as dd is 5 now and its waht she needs,

im really hurt that he dont trust me but i also dont want to be under the thumb if i move in as ill be scared if i say someting wrong he wil tell me to get out of his house. even thought the said he will never do that.
im so sick of living in this flat and want to give dd a better life just not sure what to do feel very depressed cant stop crying just feel unloved and need a hug

If it is his house and you are not married, you will have no rights to the property anyway. There is no need to sign any "contract".

If you move in with him, you will be there at his desire. He can just tell you to get out if and when he feels like it. And you would have no recourse to claim anything from him.

I think what you need to do is talk to him about how, if you move in with him, you lose your current security with your council flat and that, if things were to go pear-shaped in the future, you would not necessarily be rehoused by the local authority. By moving in with him, you are giving up a lot, whereas he is risking nothing.

i have spone to him about my worries of moving in and he just said that i have nothing to worry about as he will never kick me and dd out. he also admitted that if move in with him i cant leave him cause i will have nowhere to go . he thinks that if i own half the house i will have power ffs. thb i think his family are drumbing this into him

so ultimately this is all about control. he doesn't want you to have any. be VERY CAREFUL here! all the alarm bells are ringing for me.

i'm sorry to hear about your situation.

i think it is a good idea to try & find another home that would benefit the both of you after all we only want what is best for our children.

with regards to your dp wanting you to sign an agreement so if you break up you are not entitled to half of his house - if he is so keen for you to live with him i would consider saying to him that i will live with you when we get married.

i was in a situation with my dh, whereby i had to leave my flat to live with him i would only do that if we were to get married,it is as you are aware very difficult to start again, not only emotionally but financialy too.

been thinking about this - surely if you pay him a weekly rent ie £5 into his bank account or something provable it would give you tenants rights even if you split up - though not a stake in the property. It would mean that he would have to evict you formerly which would give you time to sort out an alternative.

If you are happy with him generally then why not go for it. It's sounds like a very complicated relationship. His family seem to to have funny ideas etc but if you have a good realtionship in other ways and see you future with him - you are not losing out on anything.

Will you have your own money if you move him with him - can you ensure that you pay him a token rent and save a little bit every week - ie a deposit to go somewhere if you ever needed to?

Just some thoughts...........I can't imagine being with someone not 100% financially committed to me and vice versa so have no personal experience.

nikcola it makes a massive difference if he is the dad of your daughter. I'm sure the CAB have a website with information on the legal side of things if you do split up. I've just found a site for an organisation who will help you! They were really nice when I called them a couple of years ago: www.rightsofwomen.org.uk - they also have a helpline. You can talk to a solicitor/barrister for free advice if you call them, and they also have information sheets to download on their site. It's all free and just for women, to advise them over any legal issues. Hope it helps : ) - also anything you sign "under duress" isn't valid - I think that last bit is true, but check with that website

thanks will look at the website.the only money i have atm is income support wich if i move in with him obviously i will not get any more. so will have no monay of my own i want to get a job anyway and he said that if i do my monay is my own to spend on me an dd for things like holidays or treats. he is good with monay and never says no if i ask for anything but i no that could change.

well things have gone from bad to worse dp wants us to split he said he is boed with me and we dont get on anymore i honestly cant ope on my own i have been with him since i was 15 im now 23 i cant stop crying my eyes are like golf balls i have to pick dd up soon. i really feel so drained i just want to curl up and die

bored

is anyone there to talk

hi nikcola i've got to go and pick ds up shortly but didn't want to leave your post unanswered. are you ok? do you have any close friends or family that can support you at this time?
is there any hope of talking to your dp and trying to give things another go?

it's sounds dreadful and i really feel for you. i hope you're ok. i'll pop back in later to see how you are

thanks for the reply, not got any family here my family are crap anyway i dont get on with them. and i dont like bothering my friends so im stuck dp is comiong round later but i think he is coming to take his stuff as thats what he mentioned earlier. im just so hurt how can he be bored like im not f**king bored

Where has this all come from nikcola? He wanted you to move in (on very much his terms but even so) a few days ago?
TBH from what you've posted about him over the years you'll be better of without him. He's hardly been the world's greatest partner/dad has he?

he came out with it last night out of the blue saying he doesnt like me anymore and he is bored and wants someone else. i no im better off without him in most ways im just so scared of being on my own i dont think ill cope

You SO will cope. You've cope with all the shit he and his family have put you and dd through all these years. And you are only 23, if this ends now you will have lots of time to pick yourself up and eventually meet someone who deserves you.

i just dont want to be alone im lonely now so what will i be like if he leaves plus ill have no money no car i no they are trivial things but

Do you/could you work Nik? You might find this gives you more to focus on as well as more mates and more money. I seem to recall a college course - geriatric care,was it?
I hope this sorts itself out properly for you. Logging off now but will check this thread tomorrow. Chin up.

Nikcola

I know you're in a bad way at the moment but gosh, having the law laid down like that and you accepting would put you in such a bad position.

'i just see this as my only way out of this shithole we live in' worries me. At least you are in charge in your current home. In his it would appear that you would be something akin to a housekeeper and mother of his child.

In relation to his will - wills can be changed.

N you've said he's promised not to kick you out if you move in. You also now just said he's bored of you and wants to split. Honey, he's f*ing with your mind and self esteem.

I admit I don't know your history together but if this is how he makes you feel, stay away from the man. Do not live with someone who will take all your rights away. I'm sure that on benefits you'd be entilted to discounts on childcare should you want to work etc.. (I don't know but you should check).

big hug to youxxx

Nikcola, just read this and feel bad for you is he really wanting to split up or it is to make you move in with him? has he done this before, keep posting adn don't feel alone. and really ..try to talk to someone in real life don't spend the whoel evening crying aobut him phone your family or a friend. and keep posting if you feel there is no one in rl to talk to, what a terrible thing for him to say

Hi Nikcola. I have been watching your story with a lot of interest because I am in a very similar situation. You are not alone. I wrote you a massively long reply the other night but it didn't post. Anyway Nikcola, you gotta know that you can do it by yourself. It is not the easiest way to raise a child but you know what, he doesn't live with you and you have coped fine so far. I know it's hard when you have been with him for so long but please don't stay if he makes you miserable and insecure. There are good men out there that wouldn't mess you around this way. Can I ask how old your dp is? Give yourself a chance at a happy life.

For now use whatever support you have. If it's online chatting, fine, but make sure you get some real contact.

Hope this helps
big hugs to you

thanks all. dp is 30 but very imature imo as i have had to grow up fast i think he is going through a mid life crisis. he came home last night and didnt take his stuff i dint mention anything cause i was to drained to argue. i have another problem now dd came home from school yesterday saying she had to ahve lunch with the teachers cause she couldnt stop crying.
i spoke to her teacher this mrning and she told me that dd said yesterday that she wanted to die i no that its because of me and dp argueing and she wants to go and live in daddys house but doenst want to tell me cause she thinks i dont want to move in with him. its breaking my heart she was crying this morning in school cause she thinks she was in trouble cause i spoke to her teacher

Hi Nikcola,

I think you should have a talk to your daughter. Ask her why she wants to live in Daddy's house. Explain that you both love her and she should tell what she is thinking and you will never be cross with her for telling you. Children need to be kept in the loop as much as appropriate because if she sees you arguing and doesn't know why she ma come to her own conclusions, she may think its her fault. Tell her what is going on but keep it age appropriate. something along the lines of:
"Daddy and I are cross with each other because there is something we can't agree on like when you fall out with a friend at school. But neither of us are cross with you and we both love you."
Let her ask any questions she wants and make sure she understands you are not cross with her and you both love her.

I asked how old your DP is because I had a feeling he was older. As he met you when you were so young and he was older he would of had a massive influence over your life. You need to know where you stand with him but don't let him make all the decisions. You need to set out some clear boundaries so that he cant treat you like this. The way I see it is you have two options- either get some counselling together and see if you can resolve your issues. Or cut your losses split make sure he has regular access to your daughter but start to move on with your life. The final option is to carry on the way you are never really knowing where you stand and being miserable which is affecting your daughter.

This is of course just my opinion but please do something.