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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is shouting, like really shouting normal?

32 replies

cheeseroller · 10/04/2017 01:18

Not sure what I am looking for really, advice, reassurance maybe. I think I am maybe in an abusive relationship but that seems like a big label to hang on it.
We've been together 15 years and it's never been easy, but I think I may have had enough. I just don't know what to do. DH is a nice bloke about 60% of the time. 30% of the time he is grumpy and miserable. He makes his displeasure about things very clear, the causes of his low moods can be anything from job, bullying bosses, tiredness to medical. He was badly bullied as a child and comes from an unusual background. He has a weird form of OCD, and suffers from depression so takes antidepressants. He also gave up drinking several years ago after a particularly bad aggressive run. Life with him is like a rollercoaster, and I am just so tired. I just know when it's coming.
Today for example he took our ds out early to a club, ignoring the petrol light, he ran out of fuel near to our house, he came home understandably angry, but burst in through the door, screaming, swearing and raging in front of our 2 kids. He's not a small man and he is really aggressive, he really scared me. He gesticulated and yells in his big booming voice and sounds angrier than anyone I've ever heard. It was my fault. Despite him having driving the car twice over the previous two days, I have been driving around in it and chose to ignore the the light. When he drove the car it was different as he was driving home(?) everyone has arguments. I get that but what's normal? We've been together so long that I don't think I know. I don't think he should scream at me. In my face, in front of my children. I don't think he should swear at me. He threw our phone across the room. Not at me but toward me, in his rage. It broke. He seems out of control.

I took the children and went out for the day. I got back at 4pm and he was back in bed.he has been nice ever since but He woke up to find me crying tonight and didn't know why I was upset. I tried talking to him tonight but it's my fault because I use all my big words and intelligence to talk around him apparently and he feels cornered because he gets no time for himself and I am always out (I go out once every six weeks perhaps because he always makes such a fuss before and after). There's always some unrelated reason. I have told him want to leave but I don't want to tear apart my little family. He is a good dad and ds adores him. I also don't know if I am overdramatising ( he says I am). This happens every few weeks, he even did it when I was heavily pregnant and I ended up in hospital with HBP. I am not perfect, I have argued back and I can be pretty mean and nasty but only in response, lately I have tried to avoid responding because at least then I can't be blamed. He is obsessed with ensuring I take my share of the blame. Apologies aren't unconditional. We've tried relate, and other counselling before but he never commits and just tells them what they want to hear, pretends he's concerned about me, turned on the charm.... he's messing with my head. On Tuesday I will get flowers.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/04/2017 01:27

It's abusive. Shouting in your face while the children are there? Yep, abusive. Throwing things; abusive. Swearing at you in front of the children; abusive. Clearly you've tried talking to him and counselling so he doesn't want to change. Leave.

And good fathers don't scream and swear at the mother of their children and throw things in a rage. They just don't.

pog100 · 10/04/2017 01:27

This is absolutely and obviously abuse and is in no way normal. He is bullying you.
Others will answer with practical advice but you need to remove yourself from this.

blackteasplease · 10/04/2017 07:09

Blaming you for the things that go wrong in life - classic abuse. You have to run around and make the world perfect for him.

JK1773 · 10/04/2017 07:15

A good father would never ever treat the mother of his children like that, let alone in front of them. They must be terrified! It's your duty to protect them. You need to get you and the kids safe otherwise you may have Social Services on your doorstep.

TheSparrowhawk · 10/04/2017 07:18

'A good dad'??? Seriously?

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 07:29

He has problems. I am like him.
The difference between us, from the sounds of it, is i recognise my behaviour is wrong. I spend every day trying not to treat the people i love in that way when my emotions overwhelm me. I have to, as the sad truth is if i don't they are better off without me.
I don't always manage it i admit, but I've sought help via counselling and am quick to calm down and always appology and try to reassure. It's still heartbreaking.
He needs to recognise his behaviour is wrong and he needs to do something about it. It can't be dependent on other people doing (or not doing x, y, z) it is all on him.
If he won't, I'd start preparing to leave tbh.

Pringlesandwine · 10/04/2017 07:37

Not normal behaviour from him. He sounds like a bully and an agressive one at that. And no, he's not a good dad. Your children will be scared and will grow up to think his behaviour is normal. Please get some help to leave him x

ElspethFlashman · 10/04/2017 07:40

He's a good Dad?

He's a good Dad??!

Jesus woman, what does a bad Dad have to do in your world!

He is petrifying!

noego · 10/04/2017 08:22

You didn't say how old your DH was. I'm guessing 2

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2017 08:40

Yes it's abuse.
Right down to making it difficult for you when you go every 6 weeks.
You've changed who you are and your behaviour to accommodate his bad moods.
'Treading on eggshells' no doubt.
Could you financially leave?
Do you work?
Your first call should be to Womens Aid 0808 2000 247
Your second call should be to CAB. Get an appointment and see where you would stand if you were to separate.
Understand what benefits and tax credits etc... you'd be entitled to.
This is a horrible atmosphere for your DC to grow up in.
And if you stay, they will continue with the abuse cycle (Google it) and either become abusers or be victims of abuse, just like you are.
Lead by example. Show then that this not normal and that you do not put up with abusive people.
I would also suggest you get the Lundy Bancroft book - Why Does He Do That?
It will help to see and understand what kind of abuser your 'D'H is and help you to see that you do not have to stay and live with it.
15 years you've put up with this.
You clearly don't want it for yourself for the next 20+ years.

And.... joint counselling is NEVER recommended with any abuse so don't do that again.
They will charm their way out of it and then use what they learn against you even more.
You should however, go for counselling on your own.

nackle · 10/04/2017 09:47

If nothing else the stress will kill you before your time.

neonrainbow · 10/04/2017 09:58

He's an abusive and controlling bully. He will never get any better and right now you and he are modelling relationships to the children. What if your children ended up in a relationship like this because this is all they know? There is help out there if you can seek it. You know it's not right that he makes it difficult for you to go out at all he is isolating you so that he can control you in greater measures. We all know that it is not your fault that the car ran out of petrol but now you are doubting yourself and probably thinking maybe you should have filled it up. Next time I expect you will, in order to avoid the situation again and therefore you are treading on eggshells.

PickAChew · 10/04/2017 10:29

Only normal for an aggressive dickhead.

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 10/04/2017 10:48

No darling, its not normal.

Look ahead & see where this relationship takes you, soon you will stop going out altogether to keep the peace, he's already got you to shut the fuck up whilst he rants at you. How long before something he has thrown (towards you, really?!) hits you then it will be your fault for breaking it too.

Your children are witnessing this, this is what an adult relationship looks like to them, they have no idea its unhealthy & wrong. He is not a good dad.

He has shown you that this will not be resolved by an honest convo, he shuts you down by accusing you of big words & intelligence, there is literally nothing you can do to fix this as he is not taking any responsibility at all, in his head you are entirely to blame. For everything. Or even if he recognises that you are not to blame then its perfectly acceptable to rant at you then apologise afterwards to make it all better. His behaviour is escalating, you really need to see that.

Original poster

cheeseroller · 10/04/2017 11:17

Thank you. I just needed to know I am not crazy. I have just taken the first step and told my mum. Everything. Thank you all so much for replying. X

OP posts:

MidnightVelvetthe7th · 10/04/2017 11:19

Excellent first step, well done! :)

Was she totally surprised??

DragonFire99 · 10/04/2017 11:20

It's abusive. Shouting, throwing things, swearing at you in front of the children - all abusive. If you've tried talking to him and counselling, he obviously doesn't want to change.

And he's not a 'good dad'. At all. He sound terrifying.

I'm glad you've told your mum - that will make it much better now somene else knows. What did she saw? Was she surprised?

Adora10 · 10/04/2017 13:48

No way normal; sorry but a good dad would not be barging in the house shouting his head off; he's using you and the kids as his emotional punch bag, how is that normal; I'd not put up with this for both my own sanity and the example to my kids, to show them it's not normal.

TheLegendOfBeans · 10/04/2017 13:51

Today for example he took our ds out early to a club, ignoring the petrol light, he ran out of fuel near to our house, he came home understandably angry, but burst in through the door, screaming, swearing and raging in front of our 2 kids.

Pretty much stopped reading in depth after this.

No, it's not normal. He's a filthy tempered bastard who'll be giving his kids all sorts of emotional problems in the future if that failure to control his temper is the norm.

Anger management or serious reconsideration of the relationship.

TheLegendOfBeans · 10/04/2017 13:53

Ok, I see you've tried Relate etc.

It seems he has no intention of facing his problems head on instead acting a role to appease a counsellor and deflecting his crap on you/DCs at all other times.

I had one of these. I left, and it was the most freeing thing I've ever done.

highinthesky · 10/04/2017 13:56

Can you really continue living life in fear? Think of your DC, if not yourself.

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 14:07

Good for you! Telling others is a great first step

Fairweather123 · 10/04/2017 14:32

He is neither a good dad nor a good husband.

I think you've lived in this situation for so long this lifestyle has become normal but as an outsider I can assure you his behaviour isn't normal or good.

It's really sad he continues to behave so aggressively in front of your DS as it increases the chances of your son growing up and behaving like this himself as your DH is normalising such aggressiveness.

As other people have said telling you everything that goes wrong 'is your fault' is classic abusive behaviour, he's not responsible for any of it you're making him behave like this by doing or not doing XYZ.

Get out! You and your DS deserve better!

Hermonie2016 · 10/04/2017 14:58

He does this because he knows he can.

I would listen to your gut instinct and if you felt frightened then it's valid.I asked my stbxh to leave because he scared me, he didn't shout but was intimidating that I knew I wasn't safe.

It seems that there are so many women having to live with bullying aggressive men.

I agree with not responding in a similar way.I stopped doing the same and his behaviour will become so much clearer as you know you didn't contribute to it.Observe don't absorb and it will give you strength to see how outrageous his behaviour is.

EweAreHere · 10/04/2017 15:11

I'm glad you've told your mum. I hope she can help you find a safe way out with your DS.

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