Sharing custody is going to break my heart

[jollyfolly]

Wont go into details but just wondering what you feel is an acceptable amount of time for EX dp to look after 20 months old dp.
Ds is currently living with me but see's his father at my home most weekend's when i work... basically he baby sits and stays over because he lives 100 miles away (this is becoming a little intolerable now as we are getting to the point where we cant stand the sight of each other.... not exactly healthy for ds!). He moved out about 15 monhs ago.
He is planning on moving closer and is expecting alot more contact than that.
What would be reasonable?

I have absolutely no experience of this Jollyfolly - I just wanted to say hello and to send my love. v. difficult for all involved. thinking of you x

Speak to him and try and set up a suitable arrangement for both of you and your ds....maybe an evening in the week aswell as time at the weekends

whatever suits your ds, my ex used to see my ds several nights a week at my house and at weekends at his, now we've both settled into relationships and he works longer hours so he phones every night and calls in when he can, then has ds every weekend for at least one night

I have no experience of this either but imagine it is v difficult for you. Is your ex a good dad? It sounds like he is keen to have a relationship with his son and I think that is something to be thankful for.

Your ex having your ds more often may be hard on you but is a good thing for your son and in the end it is your ds's welfare that is most important.

thanks stressteddy! Crispyduck.... am i totally unreasonable suggesting that ds comes home at night to sleep??? I think i would be far more comfortabe with him being with his dad if i knew he was coming home to me in the evening. Guess i need to get my 'stay calm' head on and try to have a sensible chat with his father.

ex dp loves his son but is not what i would call safe.... ie puts him in badly fitted car seats, leaves sharp/glass objects lying around,has in the past left stromg pain killer lying around etc. Think this is what worries me most. I know it is my sons welbeing that is primary but to willingly allow him into an environment that i do not feel convinced is going to be safe really scares me.

so tell him your fears, ask him if you could perhaps visit the house and talk thro any problems you see. When my ex first had a gf after we split, i visited the house before he took ds there to make sure i was happy ds would be safe, and no, i don't think it's be unreasonable to ask for him to come home in evenings, your ex will probably be thankful of it
maybe once he's older you could reconsider, my ds is now 3.5 and has only been staying overnight regularly with my ex for the last year.

my freind and her parner spilt up a yr ago and he used to see his dd on diff days of the week but my freind decided to make a perminate arrangment
so he ex has dd every tues night (picks her up from nursery and drops her off at nursery wed morning) and every sunday 11am till 5pm (he takes her swimming) this arrangments works well for my freind

also she contacted csa and her ex's payments go down in money the more hours he seed his dd and payment goes down a lot if dd sleeps at his house (thats why he was so keen on the tues night arrangment)

dmo.. that concerns me slightly as EX dp has already commented that he will not be paying so much when ds stays with him. sometimes feel their is an alternative motive as he constantly moans about paying me anything (and believe me it is not much he pays in the first place)!!! feel like telling him to stuff his payments!

my friend gets £31 per week
nursey is £90 per week, then there are clothes, food, shoes, dance class at nursey etc etc

really dont know how they work the money out doesnt seem alot to pay out

think the best way would be to keep reciepts of all the money spent on ds each month and pay it equally.... although guess i do get tax credits as well. Oh my god does that mean my tax credits will go down as well????

dont know jolly only know what my freind has told me
why not phone citazens advice

My bil shares custody with his ex and it works well. I was a bit dubious to start with as I thought it would be too confusing for his son but he seems quite happy with the arrangement. BILs new wife also shares custody of her son with her ex so they have the boys for 1/2 the week and 2 or 3 days alone as a couple. Its not what most people plan on but it works well for them and at least they can go out together without needing to arrange babysitters etc.

Make sure that you draw up a legal contract though as this makes it easier if things between you get fraught.

Some parents do half the week each or a week on and a week off but that would usually be if they both worked full time. I have always found most fathers just as good as mothers with babies and toddlers so it's a fairly sexually neutral issue but definitely do as advised and raise safety concerns with him and make sure his place is safe, stair gates etc as indeed he may want to check your place is safe too from time to time.

My stepsons live with their mother 1.5km away from us (but in a different area, so we don't bump into each other at the bakery They spend every other weekend (Friday to Monday) and every Tuesday night with us, and normally part of Wednesday too. They also spend about 70% of all school holidays with us (19 weeks a year) and also come to us for extra nights when their mother travels for work (probably about 25 extra nights a year) and when there are religious holidays (father is Jewish).

My experience is that you need to agree on a regular arrangement and keep to it. I and the boys (and my daughter) get exhausted and confused being subject to so many changes that are beyond our control. I have raised this issue many times and am beginning to put my foot down in a major way. I do have a very exceptional situation in that partner's ex is delighted to foist the boys on us as often as possible (but wants them to officially live with her in order to get child support - no child support if there is an official 50:50 arrangement). My partner also does extra stuff at other times like take boys out to lunch from school, take them to doctor, hairdresser etc. Oh, and he drives the younger one to school every day.

I quite like the every other weekend plus one night a week when they are little, as it keeps a regular contact with the non-resident parent. And I think it's great when the non-resident parent has regular commitments for the school run etc for the same reason, and to share the burden with the resident parent and give them a useful parenting role. Too often non-resident parents become babysitters and the relationship doesn't develop.

It's a really difficult and thorny issue, but most fathers are great at looking after children if their wives/partners/exes will only trust them to do so and give them a true and proper role.

I don't think most non-resident parents become babysitters. In fact in the UK the bigger problem isn't fathers denied contact it's father refusing to have it leaving single mothers like me very burdened. There ought to be a right in law as there is in some Scandinavian countries to force the father to have the children half the time.

Xenia - the "babysitter" position is also known here at least as the McDonald father position - fathers who don't do anything meaningful with their offspring when they have contact time (sorry for awful jargon) and just hang out at McDonald's. It's recognised as bring problem in France and in the UK also I think - I thought that in the UK there were centres opened for fathers to see children in a more congenial environment.

As for forcing parents to do stuff, I think that's really hard. My partner would love to force his ex to buy her children clothes, attend school and extra-curricular functions, make sure they take a bath, brush their teeth, have their hair cut, go to bed on time, not use foul language, even perhaps talk to them individually (she constantly tells them that if she had two children it was to see them together, never separately). Any ideas?

Every other week and half the school holidays is the norm when sharing custody - its what a judge ruled XH got.

I don't think you should comment on how their mother treats them, not side with your husband and keep out of it as much as possible. It is very sad for those children their parents aren't together and not their fault. It's not very fair to judge their mother. I think 50/50 is fairly fair and yes you're right some parents when they have their children at lot don't do much with them.

You can find some working mothers being a lot better mothers and spending more time interacting better with children than stay at home mothers so these things are never very simple to analyse. But you could start with a position that 50/50 orders are the norm which many UK fathers would like and that could be a week on, a week off throughout the year which works well for some couples or half the week/weekend or some other fair basis. It feels particularly unfair to me to have the chidlren 100% and pay for everything and have no legal means to force their father to spend any time with them at all, even if it were Macdonalds babysitting. He does have the youngest for 2 hours most weeks but that's pathetic particularly as he lives 5 minutes away, lives in a 5 bed deatched house without mortgage bought with what I regard as my money and has never once had any of the 5 children to stay there. If the court had a system where they assumed 50%, contacted fathers regularly, asked how many hours have yo had them this week or we had posters in the press - this child would like to see their father, what % of the week do you spend with your child or a picture of a sad child saying - this child's father hasn't bothered to contact her for 6 months - is that you and then rememdies and penalties if they don't do their share that would help.

Xenia - sounds as if your ex-husband might be a bit distressed to want so little contact with his children. One of my very best friends separated in acrimonious circumstances in 1999. Her ex-husband hardly wanted to see his children (sent them off to his parents all the time during his contact time) for several years, but it's got much better recently as he has recovered from his trauma.

It's four years at the end of the month. I thought he might take a year to accept things etc and then gradually see them more. He never contacts the oldest 3, not even on birthdays and has the youngest for 2 hours a week. It's pathetic and means he's legally and financially free to find someone else with all "my" money and I'm left looking after and supporting us all. Just shows all women should be housewives, doesn't it and men house husbands for that matter in the UK, divorce haven of choice for low earners.

That's pretty sad for your children. My friend is in same position, ie left with all financial responsibility, but only two children so less of a burden than for you (and she has a 5* mother who helps masses). Live in hope that it may get better for your children's relationship... I don't think four years is that long to get over a 20 year or so marriage and move on. How about you, any new loves in sight???

ok... am going to say something really selfish when i know i should be thinking primarily of my son.... but i dont want 50/50!!!! I have dedicated the last two years of my life to him, spent every last spare penny (willingly) on him, buggered up my career (which at the moment still feels the right thing to have done)and built an incredible bond with him,life will be empty without him! His father stuffed up and it was his decision to move away why should i give him 50/50 share!!!! am sure you are all going to slate me for that!
Sorry wish i could be as trusting as you guys but i enjoy being a mum and certainly dont want to be just a 'part time' one.

jf, of course you're right. When I had a 20 month year old I was pregnant with another child and been back at work for 19 months full time, an entirely different situation from you. I don't think anyone would say a full time non working mother (or stay at home father) should give up the child to 50/50 at this point and it's not practicable anyway or affordable if one of you works full time and the other doesn't. We just got slightly off your point on this thread, sorry, because some of us would love our other half exes to have the children 50/50.

Anna, it's not very easy to find someone when you work full time and have to do everything. It's the irony of my supposed divorce freedom, that I get the technical freedom I wanted but he gets the practical freedom to find someone, go out, no need to find babysitters etc and all the money. So he has a freedom he doesn't want and I got less freedom in some ways.